Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Seaching for my son

I was watching a documentary the other night called "Searching for my son". The documentary followed the personal journeys of two women as they embark on a search for their long-lost adopted children placed for adoption in the 1960's.

Although our circumstances are different there were some similarities between me and the two women featured, Mo and Peta. They were very different and had dealt with their adoptions differently.

Peta, did seem to be most scarred by the adoption process, but she had been open about the adoption to people around her, so she had family and friends supporting her search for her son. There was a lovely moment in the documentary where after the first contact, her son had sent her some photographs. She described feeling like she just had a new baby - that is how I felt when I first found your FB profile and saw your photos. I can only describe that feeling as euphoria.

The other lady, Mo, was a bit more pragmatic (not sure if that is the right word) but she had kept her son a secret and only told a few people, so the adoption process had affected her in a different way. But I identified with her more. She said that she wasn't thinking about her son every second of every day and there could be weeks where he did not enter her head at all and that more me.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that you are ever out of my heart - just that my day-to-day life must go on. However, this year there have not a day gone by without I'm wondering what you are doing, how you might react to me etc, but that is because I can "check" up on you now.

The documentary also featured an organisation here in the UK who deals with adoption reunions, Norcap, one of their number said that it was always worth the risk in making contact. As for every adoptee who is upset by the approach, there are more who welcome the truth. I just hope that when the time comes you are one of those adoptees who welcomes the truth.

I just hope that 2010 will be our year.

Για τώρα Καλά Χριστούγεννα και Ευτυχισμένο το Νέο Έτος.

Αγαπώ γιο xxx

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Legacy of an Adopted Child

A friend of mine pointed me in the direction of this poem... I have to admit it is very fitting and I hope you one day will agree with these words.

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other;
One you do not remember,
The other you call "Mother."
Two different lives
Shaped to make you one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.

The first one gave you life,
And the second taught you to live it;
The first gave you a need for love,
The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name;
One gave you talent,
The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears;
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home
That she could not provide;
The other prayed for a child
And her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me
Through your tears ...
The age old question,
Unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment ...
Which are you a product of?
Neither ... my darling ... neither,
Just two different kinds of love!

So to however wrote this poem... thank you for putting my feelings down in words.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Xρονια πολλά, γιε μου

Εντάξει, έχω το όνομα σας ακριβώς για εδώ, αλλά ευτυχισμένος γιορτή γιο.

Όλα αγάπη μου, μαμά

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

What now... the Jeremy Kyle show????

Here in England we have this guy on TV called Jeremy Kyle... I have to admit I love watching his show... it just proves that I'm normal - I think!!!!!! (For your Americans - think Jerry Springer with verbal assaults rather than physical)

Anyway.. our lives could be an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show or a whole season!!

First Episode - my mother and me - our friend Jeremy might agree with me - I was never given a good example to follow... but then again my mother made me ... I cannot thank her enough for that and I do like me now...

Episode Two - how I met your father - for this one its simple and I cannot emphasise this enough, you was the best mistake ever..looking back I would loved to have kept you but is wasn't meant to be and you father and I could never have been your proper parents. When I was expecting you, if someone honestly would have said the three of us would be together forever - I still wouldn't have believed them. My decision to place you with your parents will always been the right one.

Episode Three - I cannot move on - sorry but after Ray's death I cannot move on and met someone new... I just think that Ray was the Cream of the Crop - he would always be the person the next man in my life can never measure up to - then again it has to be a special one to sweep me off my feet. Also Ray accepted you in whatever shape or form you would take. As I have said, Ray was your "father".

Episode Four - Move One - this episdoe is where Jeremy's aftercare team would have told me that I'm screwed, I need therapy etc... all of them was right... but my therapy is my friends - the ones I can talk to I mean, I don't think I do need conventional therapy.

Episode Five, Six,Seven etc... we are a strange but normal family (the Algerian branch) so we will have all that my Sister/Brother don't like my partner etc...all of the normal family situations applies to us.

Last Episode - Reunion - in this episode it's fairytale land, this is where what I want and what would happened is so far away from each other that I would not even consider the outcome of this one.

But as I said (by the way Jeremy Kyle staffers - my life story is not for sale but if you get us together I might consider it) Nor do I think your is either. But here is where I need a show could, otherwise how can I make contact...

You reader any suggestions??

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Ooops going nuts - nearly sent this one...

I thought I better post this here rather than sending it to my son's (adoptive) mum, but then again maybe I should send it.. let me know what you think!

Hello Adoptive Mum

Please accept my sincerest apologies for writing to you like this, but I previously wrote to Adoptive Dad and I’m still awaiting any response from him. Sorry , I also apologize for assuming you understand English.

As I’m not sure if Adoptive Dad told you of my letter, so I better start again.

On xx/xx/xxxx I gave birth to xxxxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx at hospital in Athens - I’m assume you call him αγόρι μας.

For the past 18+ year I have agonised over the day αγόρι μας turned 18 and he could, if he wanted, contact me - don’t get me wrong, I have never wanted to take your place as his mana - because that is and will always be you. But when I placed him with you, I was told that you would tell him he was adopted and the adoption was done out of my love for him and no other reasons.

So for 18 years, I waited patiently for the day he turned 18 and I could start taking steps, so if αγόρι μας wanted to find me, I make it as easy as possible for him. I was sure you would had told him and had hoped that he one day wanted to meet me.

When I sent my letter to Adoptive Dad, I hoped for a quick note back saying that you had told αγόρι μας or not. I also hoped that you would have been kind enough to send me some photos of αγόρι μας - that was a big ask, but I had hoped he would have understood my wish for some photos.

Aγόρι μας has always been in my heart and not far from my thought - I could lie and say I thought about him ever second of every day, if I had, that would have hurt to much and I wouldn't have able survive if I had. He is also my only child and that makes this situation much harder for me.

I get the impression that αγόρι μας does not know he is adopted and if that is the case it is SO WRONG. Aγόρι μας has the right to know that he is adopted and he and he alone, can decide if he ever want to have any contact with me.

But I can understand why you might not have told him, and it is possible I would have done the same in your situation. One day αγόρι μας will find out and I much rather know that you told him about me, rather than he finding out by accident.

I don’t regret placing him with you - that was right for all of us at the time but as I said - I did it think you would bring up our son (because that is what he is) knowing that he was adopted.

There are two things I do regret from that time - one is never to have met you - but I think we did “met” in my hospital room after αγόρι μας's birth and the other is not holding him in my arms before placing him with you. Then again, I still think that if I had held him, I would never have let him go.

So again, I apologise for contacting you like this, but I cannot have peace before I know that αγόρι μας knows he was adopted and have my details for when, if ever, he might be ready to contact me.

I thank you for taking such good care of αγόρι μας and hope that you can see it in your heart to allow him the opportunity to make the decision of whether or not, he want contact with me.

I know this is a letter would need loads of rewriting and editing should I ever send it off but I just needed put my thoughts down. I'm even debating whether or not posting this but as you can see it now out there... as I always say - better out than in..

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

OK, I'm a bit of a night owl!!

Just realised that most of my post is late a night - but that is because I'm a bit of a night owl, if it was up to me I would sleep all day and do all my stuff at night... are you the same??

I'm also so tempted to add you as a friend on one of my two profiles, but because of the risk that you know and it would upset you stops me, but it's is so tempting. I just know that sooner or later I will add you from one of them, unless I have the strength to not do it.

I'm currently going though a bit of a what if stage, my current what if are:

1. Do you know about me and don't want to know??
2. Do you know that you are adopted but don't know anything more and is curious?
3. Did you think when adding Cousin 1 and thought he was your brother/cousin/relative?
4. Do you know and is to scared to make contact... etc etc.

I just want you know, that if I knew you knew, it would be fine. For me the fact that you knew about me and did not want contact is bearable, but not knowing is pure hell.

I think you telling me that you hate me would be more bearable than not knowing if you know about me.

Other what ifs are:
  • what if I had gone back to Norway:
  • had Mana got me married off to Spyros, Nikos or Takis
  • had Ray got me back to Athens, claiming you back
  • had you parents responded to my letter etc...
There is only one what if I would have liked - that is Ray and me getting you back - that would have been nice - but not likely.

Because its so long since Ray passed, it is hard to second guess his wishes - but I think that had we had more time, we would have fought for you - as long as we both thought it was right for you. If we both felt that it would have been best for you to stay in Greece, it's where we would have left you. Actually, I think that we would have come to the same conclusion - that you belonged with your mana and mpampas. The reason for this is that and with hand on my heart, I can say that both Ray and I love(d) you - I will never stop loving you -it was the right thing at the time.

As for Ray - that is a bit of second guessing - but the more time I spend with the family I know I'm right - to Ray you was his son and he loved you with all his heart. Today is a day I wish the three of us could have been a proper family - but what you wish for is not always whats meant to be.

Έτσι για τώρα, εξ ονόματος της οικογένειας και εγώ, όλοι σας αγαπούν και θέλουν στη ζωή μας.

Monday, 26 October 2009

Full on month or what!

Still cannot believe how much my life has turned upside down - you are the only one who are missing to make it complete, still trying to figure out a way that can be achieved.

This month has been a bit full on. First I had Katie's 18th party, then last weekend I was up north with Little Sister and the family - and not forgetting Little Brother. Then I got to spend a day with Middle Brother and Weird Brother, and their partners - OK it was a few minutes here and there but still better than nothing.

Weird Brother is looking old - poor guy, but I think your Cousin 3 might have something to do with that together with the with the exhibition they was holding. They were doing a great job and nchalah I will be able to give them a proper hand next year. I offered to help and was roped in to doing bags for the visitors, even managed to run the information booth for a while, not sure if I was a help or hindrance.

I spent more time with Middle Brother and his wife than Weird Brother but that is normal, lol.
It was nice to see Middle Brother and his wife again I even got to speak to your little cousin again (I think that is your Cousin 8). Middle Brother and his wife thinks you look a lot like your Cousins 1 and 2 (more like Cousin 2) and Ray of course. Again, we have come to the conclusion that somewhere along there is a connection between your biological father and The Family.

Aside from spending a few minutes here and there with Weird Brother, I did get to meet his new partner. She seemed OK even if Little Sister and Brother don't really like her. I think that might be a bit more of a culture clash than anything - we got along fine (I think). Compared to the previous model (his first wife) she is easier to get along with and a wast improvement.

After the exhibition finished we all went for dinner - together with the rest of their team, we had all had a great laugh - it's odd that we haven't really changed - older and greyer but that's all.

Then your Cousin 3 has been in touch - I think she is a confused young lady, I'm not sure if she is reaching out to me but its early days yet. Nchalal, she will one day feel that she can come if she needs to. I think you could be a positive influence on her too - maybe not the same way as you currently are doing for Cousin 1. I just get the feeling that if you was around you might be able get through to her. I know she has a some problems with her mum. So she recently moved in with Weird Brother and his partner. I'm sure having someone like you to talk to would be great for her - especially as I know you are a typical 18 year old Greek boy - she would most likely listen an older cousin rather than any of us oldies in her life.

Then to cap off my week, you post a new link on FB - one of my theme songs - this one was from my time in Wapping after Ray died. That song would always bring me out of any black hole I might have been in. It was even played on Katie's birthday party. That girl is a true inspiration to anyone who meets her. Actually, I should introduce you to Katie so have a look on the clip below. Now put together the link you posted with this girl you will understand why that song would always get my out on any black hole I was in - they both still do. Although the black holes are few and far between these days.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

You are missed by us all

I'm with the family again, its great to spend time with them - we are trying to catch up on years apart.

This time I'm getting to spend time with Little Sis and Little Brother alone. Little Sis and Ray was very close growing up and we both think that that's why we are getting on so well. Both her and Little Brother has introduced me to people around them as their sister and that have been so nice.

You are as always a topic of conversation. We have been looking at some of your new pictures (stolen off FB again, sorry about that) and you definitely have my eyes but we still think that you look so much like Ray. Actually, I think that in one of the pics you are a spitting image of your biological father. There are people in Iran with the same family name as us, so you never know, your biological father might be from the Iranian branch of The Family - the connection might be many generations back, but crazier things have happened.

Little Sis told me that the first time she saw your picture, she thought you was Ray's (biological) son and that I had not told them about you. For The Family, Ray is your dad and nchalah on day you might see him as that also.

Anyway, you should know that without knowing it, you are being a positive influence on Cousin 1, he is sort of looking up to you. Little Sis and I think he has copied your hair style. Also, she thinks you two look a bit the same. But for now, just being your FB friend is "helping" him out. You have the benefit of being role model without realising it - so if you ever wanted younger siblings you have a couple of ready made ones in your cousins.

I so hope that one day that you can spend sometime with him. With your other cousins to, of course. Cousin 1's younger brother (I think he will be Cousin 4 - I'm trying to keep it based on their ages) also looks forward to the day he hopefully gets to meet you.

Your cousins want to get to know you cause you are their older cooler cousin - the one they can turn to for advice, from girls to fashion. With you and Cousin 1, I think you might have to "fight" for the girls - you seem to like the same type of girls, lol.

That why you are missed, that I miss having you in my life is a giving, but for The Family they want to get to know you because they see you as one of them.

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Mother - what does the word mean?

Just spent some time with my friend and her daughter and it made me think what makes a mother? My friend is a great mother. Is funny, that before we became friends, I saw the two of the bus one day, and remember thinking that, I wish I had a chance to be a mother like her one day. Funny, that a few years later we are friends and I'm sort of a step auntie to her daughter.

Yes, I am your biological mother, but does that make me your mother - only you could ever answer that question. For me, the word mother brings to my mind certain images - it is possible that my image of a mother is old fashioned, but my image of a mother, was a factor in decision to place you for adoption .

When I saw my friend with her daughter, I realised that what I wanted growing up and I wanted to be for you, was to be a mother like my friend is. A bit of the 1950 stereotype of a mother mixed in with a modern woman - so not chained to the kitchen sink but still having some of the old fashioned values.

I have been lucky in that I have had a few mothers, there was my real mother - in my eyes she was never my mum (sorry) but it was always something missing there, still haven't been able to put my finger on that one.

Then there was Mana - my Greek mum - I only knew her for about two years but she showed me what I always thought a mum should be - she held my hand when I was ill, she cried with me when my crush didn't accept me, she never said "I told you so" when I can home after your father hit me (and became my ex) - that day she only sat there and comforted me. And when I found out that expected you, she kept making sure that all my decision were mine. She would make sure I had question every decision a million times and making it was something I wanted. She even sort of helped with picking your mum and dad. So if any thing, Mana was my real mum even if she was not my biological mother.

Finally there is Uma, she has a special place in my heart because she is Ray's mum also - but she also was more motherly to me that I can remember my real mother being. Uma has taken the time to get to know me and tried at the same time to guide me. She has not patronised me in anyway and she again has accepted me with faults and all (including you - she is you γιαγιά in my eyes).

So it made me think, yes I would love to be your mother, but for me no matter how much it hurts and I love you, it has to be your decision. Also I did realised a long time ago, that giving birth to you does not give me the right to be called your mother. To be a true mum, I would need instil you with good values, picked you up when you needed it and most of all respect your decisions - good or bad. So, I do know that you might not ever want to get to know me - no matter how much I would like it to happen.

But at the same time you have you μαμά - she has been there since the day you were born, nurturing you and hopefully been everything I wanted to be for you - in the way Mana and Uma has been there for me. It is not my intention to ever try to take her place - hopefully one day you will realise that you have two mothers that truly love you and will always have your best interest at heart.

Έτσι, για τώρα, για άλλη μια φορά, σ 'αγαπώ τόσο πολύ τον γιο, αγαπώντας τη μαμά σου

Sunday, 4 October 2009

Finally some good karma!

This year has been odd!! One of my friend once said I deserved some luck in my life and then suddenly it is all happening, the only thing missing is for us to be in contact. But nchalah that will happend soon.

But so far this year has been fantastic, I have The Family back - Uma even said to me the other day: "J'ai trois filles maintenant, Big Sis, Little Sis et vous" and Little Brother has decided that I'm his proper sister.

On the top of having The Family back, I have some of my old friends back. It made me think that this year has so far been a year for making connections, both old and new, which its why I think it might be the right time for us to connect. I have reconnected with some very good old friends and made some really good new ones. Funnily, you are the common link with many of my connections.

Hopefully, one day I get to introduce you to some of these folk if not all of them.

Monday, 21 September 2009

My dream 40th Party - Part 2

A few months back I wrote about who I would have wanted at my ideal 40th birthday party.

Cannot believe how much has change since then!!!

Still would like all the people I first mentioned to come along but realistically I will have a few drinks with some friends. Get to spend some time with The Family and some other friends after the bday so Im no longer worried about the day itself.

But I still cannot believe that I have The Family back, I'm off to see them again next month and I even got to speak to Weird Brother today. So I only need a chance to speak to Big Brother (and you of course) then my year has been a great success and the family complete.

So any celebration of my birthday will be great, there is only one present I still would like and that is for us to have contact but nchalah that will happen soon.

I'm still panicking about what would happen if I approach you directly and is still considering giving your (adoptive) mum another chance to tell you. But I now know that whatever will happen I am ready for the outcome, good or bad.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

A step in the "right" direction

You added Cousin 1 as a friend on FB and you two have had some contact, you have common interest so inchalla you will eventually become proper friends.

I assumed that you just added him without any thought, but then again, I hope that you added him knowing that he was family - that is unlikely but I can always hope!!

For now it is good to see that you both are interacting with each other and for now that is great for me, it is a baby step in the right direction. Just knowing that you have some contact with your family is so great, even if you don't realise. I just hope you can forgive both Cousin 1 and me when the penny drops.

As they say patience is a virtue, so I have decided that I will not try to contact you or your (adoptive) parents until after your next birthday. That way, if you know and you added your cousin cause he is family, it will give you a chance to get to "know" The Family a bit through him. I'm sure he want to tell you he is your cousin but he has promised not do that. I have asked him to only respond you your direct questions if there ever are any, but as I said, I have assumed, that you just did the normal teenage thing of adding him without any questions.

I'm going back up North again next month and is looking forward to seeing The Family again. You never know you and your cousin might be chatting by then.

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Last night with the family (for now)!!!

Tonight is my last night here with the family, don't really want to go home but have to. It has been lovely to speak to them about you and Ray, they are all hoping to one day meet you, and as they all say nchalah, it will happen one day.

Today was spent comparing YouTube clips of Algeria and Greece and we have all come to the realisation that the two countries are very similar, including architecture, nature, food and music. We all hope of course that you can see Algeria and you can show the family around Greece.

It has been so loveley to be with them over the past week and as I keep saying them, they will not get rid of me now and I will come again soon. Also, Little Brother just explained when we were speaking about Weird Brother's partner choices, that the difference with them and me is that I'm their sister and part of the family and Weird Brother's partners has not been liked.

We have been joking about The Family traits which I have "inherited" - sleeping, permanently attached to a computer and a belly, it would be funny if you had them too. They all agree with me in that Ray was your father in every sense of the word.

About time to get ready for bed as I have an early flight tomorrow so Brother-in-law and Baba is getting up at the crack of dawn with me.

Nearly forgot, Cousin 1 has added you as a friend on FB and it will be interesting to see if you accept him and where it will go from there, so again nchalah.

So for now aγαπώ τον γιο and الله يكون على استعداد ، فلن نجد في بعضها البعض قريبا

με όλη την αγάπη μου, μαμά xxx

Thursday, 27 August 2009

Up North with The Family

Halfway through my week with The Family, its been so great to see them all again!!! Especially Uma & Baba, although they have all got older they haven't changed a bit.

I also had a nice surprise even if it was only for a few hours, Middle Brother was here with his wife and daughter, so I got to seen them sooner rather than later. It was also nice that his wife and me got on - I had met her once before and we both were reminiscing about that one (I'm sure I told Middle Brother to keep on to her at the time). We even felt the same way about Weird Brother's first wife.

Weird brother is due here next week I think but I don't think I'll get to see him before October - Little Sis like my new name for her brother and agrees with the name.

Actually, there has not been any of the awkwardness I was scared off with The Family, we all joke and behave the way I had hoped. I'm also being a good girl - its during Ramadan and I'm actually fasting - its going really well and I'm sticking to it - for this week at least.

This is enough for now, only three more hours before food so need to go and offer help (if they let me) in the kitchen.

Friday, 7 August 2009

To day was not as bad as I though it would be!!!

Today was the anniversary for Ray's death - I thought it would be more intense this year as I have The Family back, but for now it has not been bad at all, still felt down, but no more than I normally do on this day. Then again, I haven't spoken to any of them today - what tomorrow will bring I'm not sure - the thing is Ray's death sort of happened over a few days for me.

There was our last conversation (the night before the accident), the day of the accident and the day we were told. Today was anniversary of the day of the accident and not the day we were told, so I'm not sure what day The Family regards as "the day".

I will call Middle Brother tomorrow, no matter what, it will just be nice to speak to him again. As Uma & Baba are now in the country, I will also try to get to speak to them also tomorrow.

As I said before, I get to see The Family during Ramadan and Little Sis house if full of family and will be so for the next few weeks. She currently has Weird Brother's two oldest kids staying with her, which is good - as I don't think they know the family too well. I did actually chat - briefly with one of them (technically I think that would be your Cousin 2 - if I use the term chronologically).

Not sure if he knew about me from Weird Brother or from being told by Big and Little Sis and Cousin 1, he was surprised that he had met me once - as a baby - so I think Weird Brother must have told them about me.

Will ask Middle Brother for his telephone number, might as well bit the bullet and call him also - it would be nice to speak to the first member of The Family I ever met.

A friend suggested that I do something Ray would have liked in honour of his memory, so I did - you would actually like this one, but its not something I would put on here - so if we ever get to met do ask me about that!

Monday, 27 July 2009

My "rock" is back in my life!!!!

Had a phone call this morning from my rock, Middle Brother, damn I have missed him - but when we spoke it was like we had never been apart.

He also said he would try to get to the family reunion we are having in a couple of weeks. It would have been great if you could been there, but in one way it is good that we are not in contact yet. I definitely think that Ray is out there somewhere, pulling some strings for me. He must be looking down at us all and feeling pleased with himself.

I still cannot believe that the last time I saw or spoke to Middle Brother was the time he introduced me to his future wife - she did seem to be a lovely girl but now at least I will get to know her and my niece.

Actually, just finished chatting with Middle Brother - second time today, but this time I got to see him also, which is great - also got to say hi to your little Cousin, (need for find better names for the Cousins - I getting confused myself).

He is is touch with Weird Brother (if you read this sorry mate - I have my reasons for calling you that), but did ask him to get Weird Brother to call me. I cannot believe I have the whole Family back now - it must be a reason for that!!!

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Counting down the days!!!

Meet up with Big Sister today, during her stop-over on route to up North.

As I said to Cousin 1 yesterday, I was worried I would not recognise Big Sister - it is 14 years since I last saw her, but as soon as she step off the plane we both recognised each other. She hasn't changed in all those years.

But to make our day perfect, Little Brother had messed up when booking her ticket, so her ongoing flight was a few hours earlier than we expected - it had already left. We had a fun hour trying to get her on another flight - thanks to Middle Brother and Brother-in-Law it was sorted. But it was seriously fun - phones being passed around and not knowing who would be on the other end. You see Cousin 1 and I speaking English, Brother-in-Law and Big Sister in Algerian at the same time Brother-in-Law was speaking to Middle Brother from their house up north, not forgetting Little Brother on the phone from Algiers.

With a bit of luck I will also get to meet up with Middle Brother in August - after Ray died he was my rock so it would be great to catch up with him.

Anyway, Big Sister said that Uma and Baba cannot wait to see me again - actually I cannot wait to see them either. I cannot believe that I get to see most The Family in August, Big Brother will still be in Algeria, and as for Weird Brother and Middle Brother hopefully I will get to see them, or at least speak to them in August - its only 4 weeks away!!!!

I told Big Sister that some of my friends are must be feed up with me gushing about The Family and how great they are and her response was "But you are a [part of] The Family" (that means that you are also part of The Family).

It made me wonder what would have happened if Ray hadn't died... would we have tried for find you, would you had any brothers and sisters ... but life shouldn't be made up of "what ifs". You see, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and these things will make you into the person you are... I like the person I have become and I would not have become ME, if these things in my life had not happened, both the good and the bad.

My trip up north coincides with Ramadan - the Muslim holy month, even if I'm not religious (I'm agnostic, I believe in God not not in religion) I thought it was a good time to go. But when Uma and Baba came to visit Ray and me all those year ago, it was during Ramadan (and Xmas) so it is fitting that I will see them during Ramadan again.

Big Sister, I have a feeling, is already planning my holiday to Algeria. I will definitely go as soon as I can, maybe one day you will get a chance to go, it is such a beautiful country. Algiers is a bit like Athens (but cleaner) and bear in mind you would have excellent tour guides.

For now, I just counting down the days until August...

PS. Just needed to post this link, I came across this song partly thanks to you. The lyric so describe how I felt when I left Norway.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Mother Dearest!!

Your Norwegian grandmother found my blog - which mean she knows about you now. No matter what, it still will eventually be your decision whether you want to get to know them. I even read her post about me with interest - its funny, I have been aware of her on-line presence for years - I have even checked out her blogs and web pages on occasions and I think this was the first time she ever mentioned me.

The whole thing with your Norwegian family, they were not perfect but they didn't do anything wrong, it was just that there are better people for me out there! If I had stayed, I'm fairly certain I would have lost my sanity.

My mother wasn't a bad sort, I just think she tried too hard to be a best friend rather than a mother. But when I left there was so many things going in my life and Mana sort of rescued me, but it made me realise that my life in Norway was over and I was better off starting a "fresh" life and leaving Norway behind forever. So, for now, I will allow my mother to follow this blog - I might change my mind at a later stage - so to my mother, don't bother trying to contact me.

You might find it strange that I have in essence cut off my Norwegian family, but I want to find you. The simple reason is I need to know that you have been given the choice of whether you want to know about me or not. I have always hoped that you might want to know me, but also know that you might not want anything to do with me, but as long as I know you have had the option to choose I would be happy.

But in the middle of doing this post, I got a call from Little Brother and I got to speak to Uma - I can't wait to see them all in August. Cousin 1 was disappointed to realised I would only be there for a week, they want me to stay longer -so you never know, I might decide to move up North, at least I might be able to afford to buy a house up there.

Big Sis is not arriving tomorrow but rather next week, but another week and I get to hug another member of The Family - I cannot wait.

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Schools out for the summer!!

Just realised today that your uni is finished for the year - you should be back in Athens from this week until September.

So, I have decided that I should give your adoptive parents the summer to tell you - hopefully they will come to their senses and tell you. If I haven't heard anything by September, I will sent a letter to your adoptive mother.

I am not sure if you adoptive father even have told her I have been in touch, I hope he has been stupid enough not to have! It would make life much easier for me - I think - crikey I am being selfish here. But if he has not told her, she might actually see where I'm coming from and tell you the truth. OK, I know this is a bit of wishful thinking on my part - for all I know you already know and don't want any contact.

But I cannot rest until you either tell me to get lost or as I hope, that you will be able to forgive me for placing you with your adoptive parents and we can have some sort of contact.

If I knew you wanted to see me, I would be on the first plane to Greece. I would give anything to able to give you a big hug - I probably wouldn't be able to let go of you!

For now. I at least have the photo's you posted on FB - in one of them there are not doubt - you are my son, aside from you nose and your colouring you as a spit of me, even down to your smile.

For now good night and know I will always love you, son.

Monday, 29 June 2009

Short but sooo sweet

Met up with Little Brother today - even told him that I call him that on here - unfortunately we did not get enough time, as his incoming flight was late and his outgoing flight was on time. It should have been opposite.

Actually, yesterday he called me Sis and I did tell him thanks for that and he said I defenetly was his Sis.

He haven't "grown" that much he is the shortest of boys in The Family, but heck, he just looks like a smaller version of Ray, and I got a couple of hugs from a member of The Family. I did write a letter to Uma & Baba for him to translate to them, I had to make sure it was not to slushy and asked hin to pass on loads of hugs from me. Hopefully I get to speak to them this week, I do want to even if I can only do it with Little Brother translating, but is better than the last 14 years - cannot believe it has been that long.

When I showed him the pictures of you he did agree that you look like Ray, he has taken you photos - the ones you have posted on FB, and its one in particular which you really look like Ray. Not sure if he will show them to Uma and Baba, but I hope he will!

He said that they (Uman & Baba) is getting old, Baba is 75 and Uma 67 so if you ever is going to get to meet you grandparents I need to do something soon.

But then again, Little Brother and I talked about your older cousin (Cousin 1) - he is really wanting to meet you - apparently he is a bit of a rocker and I think you have similar taste in music. Anyway Cousin 1 has decided that he want to get to know you, he even found someone on my friends list he thought was and added them as a friend. I did have to let him down, but he had realised himself that the person on my friends list was not you, so he deleted him.

As Cousin 1 wants to be a journalist, I gave him some clues to your identify, but as I said to Little Brother, it is so tempting to just give Cousin 1 you FB details and then leave it in his hands. So you never know, you might get a friend request from Cousin 1 one day, he will be the one who would ask you loads of strange questions. But, then again, it might actually be the best option, he could then find out what you knew - sort of finding out a lay of the land as we say here, before I made direct contact.

Little Brother agreed you are part of The Family - that means that you have a massive family so this is a my atempt of a sort of family tree!

There is Big Brother - he is married and has two kids - forgot to get details, but its still time to find out.

Then there is Big Sis - she is single so no cousins there.

Then there is Weird Brother - The Family's black sheep - you have three cousins from him, but it seems that both Little Brother and I both agree - he is definetly a Weird one and neither of us like him too much.

The there is Middle Brother - he is married and have one daughter - Middle Brother was the one who was around after Ray died and I look forward to ge to see him again one day.

The of course there is Little Sis and Little Brother - Little Sis is Cousin 1's mum and she has one other kid and Little Brother has one little boy. So that means you have 7 cousins, so far.

For now the next thing I have to look forward to is on the 14th July when I get to see Big Sis again - that might be awkward, as her English is as good as my Algerian i.e. none existent.

I actually need to start learning two language, I of course have to learn proper Greek but I also have to learn Algerian/French.

So Inchallah till we meet

Monday, 22 June 2009

Cannot wait to catch up with Little Brother

Was chatting to my brother-in-law (for now on being called Little Brother on here) last night again and cannot wait to see him next week, he also said he was looking forward to it. Even if its only for an hour or two, for now I really look forward to have a massive hug for a member of The Family.

After Monday I can start looking forward to the trip up north. Both me and my flatmate (I will need someone with me otherwise I would totally overwhelmed) are now formally invited and we do not need to find a B&B which is great. The next step is to find out when we are going, for the moment I only know that it is in August. It is quite fitting that the family reunion will happen then, as Ray died on 6th August and on the 16th August this year it would have been his 43 birthday.

But anyhow, after chatting couldn't sleep properly - was remembering Little Brother - when he was 11 and over here for the first time. He was a bit shy but a typical 11 year old - cannot believe he is 26 now and a father - where has the time gone.

He also was one of Ray's favourite brothers, think it was because he was the baby of the family. Actually I think Ray was extremely fond of his two younger brothers.

Before that awful day in August, Ray had planned to go home to Algeria for his birthday and I was asked with picking up some things for The Family. For Little Brother, I do remember picking up a Walkman - that was in the days of tapes and long before MP3 players and such - together with a tape of Oasis' Wonder Wall. I know that I never got around to give it to him, because I came across the tape some years later whilst having one of my annual clear outs. I think they both ended up in a charity shop somewhere. I need to tell him about that one Monday.

But back to Little Brother being 11 and in England for the first time - Uma, him and I had to go shopping and I took them up to Chrisp Street Market in Poplar - the poor little guy had to translate for Uma and me, and the same time he had millions of questions about England and Christmas. He was a sweetheart back then, and I know he sounds like Ray now and I hope he has turned out more like Ray than Strange Brother. (Second oldest brother, who apparently has decided not to keep in touch with The Family and I partly to blame for me losing touch with The Family.)

I did love it when The Family were over here, thinking back, I fell in love with The Family then, it is so unfortunate that we did not get more time together as a family. Then again, I am sure Ray would say that is meant to be this way, maybe his is out there somewhere and pulling some strings for me. If he is, hopefully he has some wonderful plans for us - but just know that The Family cannot wait until a day in the future where they might get to meet you.

For now I cannot wait until Monday!!!

Friday, 19 June 2009

Its "official" - you are a part of The Family

Spent a few hours online today with your aunt, uncle & cousins, it was lovely to catch up with them. I cannot believe how much I have missed having them around. But over the past couple of weeks I think I have spoken to them more that I ever did before.

I did tell them all about you & they also hope they get to met you one day. I'm so happy that they reacted to you in this way. But this is Ray's family so their reaction shouldn't surprise me! One of your cousins kept saying that he was pleased to have a older cousin in Greece.

If Uma & Baba react to you the same way it will be official & Ray was your "dad". So if I ever get to meet you, you will have a lot of family to catch up with.

For now, having The Family back is great. I have pointed them in direction of this blog and I hope they will read this one day as I hope you will.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

I have something to look forward to

Spent most of last night chatting to Ray's brother which was great but I cannot believe how much I miss my "family".

It is partly my fault that I lost touch with them - but I will put some of the blame on one of my brother-in-law also - but this time around I will make sure that we stay in touch.

I am meeting up with Ray's brother on the 29th - the first time in about since he was twelve - he does seem to become more and more like Ray. They even have similar jobs... but it will be interesting to see if he agrees with most a lot of my friends in regards to Ray and you.

But I cannot wait - I will get a hug from one of The Family and I have waited nearly 13 years for one of them. I just hope that one of the other brothers gets in touch with me - if it hadn't been for him - I would not have survived the year after Ray's death.

Then I have to trip up north to look forward to - I get to see most of The Family - I have decided that I my trip to Greece will have to wait until next year (maybe we will be in touch by then), but The Family is more tangible than you and I need them back in my life.

It would be nice if I can have the whole family thing happening with them - because that means that I will have a large close knit family around me (with one exception more to be told about that later) and I haven't had that since Ray died.

I cannot believe how much I miss him, I don't think I'm over him on any shape or form, but I have always said that if I ever met someone else they would have to live with the fact that I would always love Ray and if they couldn't handle that they could get lost.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately, two reasons, the anniversary of his death is coming up shortly and being back in touch with The Family.

If I close my eyes I can see him doing is little jig - every time he did one of them (no matter how angry I was with him) - I would just think how much I loved him - I don't think he knew that if he did one of those he would be forgiven - I just wish he could do one of those again for me - damn in tears now.

You see, the last time I spoke to him I basically told him to get off the phone because I had to get down to the launderette and when he told me that he loved me I just said: "Ditto", I didn't know then that two days later I would be told he had gone forever. I wish I could have that last summer back. I didn't want him to take that bloody job in Morocco - but he wanted it - it would be good experience.

At least I had the two weeks in Morocco with him before the accident. He was due back that week for a brief stop over and he was so looking forward to go home to Algeria for his birthday - that's why he is buried there - he wanted to go home - so I let him go home. Even if I wanted him here with me.

So you see I cannot wait until the 29th when I can spend a couple of hours with Ray's little brother and why I hope we all can stay close this time.

Monday, 8 June 2009

It's nearly 19 years since I made THAT decision!!!

It's quite strange to think that about 19 years ago, I sat at the reception desk at Joy's - having realised I was expecting you and wondered what I should do next.

I remember having long "conversations" with you - I would like to think that in a strange way you helped me making my decision. I would ask you a question and you would do something pleasant if you "liked" my idea or deliver a extremely painful kick if you didn't. OK, fair enough, looking back, it is a bit far fetch to think that you could agree or disagree with me - but at the time it felt right and you seemed to "agree" with me that placing you for adoption was the right thing to do.

I was quite lucky in that I had a great pregnancy - I had no morning sickness and only felt like a whale in the last couple of weeks. My strangest craving was Ready Salted crisps and chocolate - together in a "sandwich".

We also had some fun - my 21st birthday party was great and I do think you enjoyed yourself (I was about 5 1/2 months gone by then). I remember you "dancing" along to the music at the club we had gone to. Some of the stuff you are listening to now, is stuff I would listen to when I was expecting you. Some people think there is a link there and I starting to agree - before I "found" you on FB, I had always thought that it was nurture rather than nature that shapes you but now I am not so sure.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I started to panic and I was worried I would not be able to go trough with placing you with your (adoptive) parents. So, I was pleased to be told that I had to have a Cesarean Section - you had the umbilical cord around you neck and you had decided you were going to be a breach birth. So, I jumped at the chance of a general anesthetic and the C-section, I just knew that that was the only way I could let you go.

However, I had to sign you out to the hospital and when Wilma brought you out in you little car seat I caught a glimpse of you - I had to get her to take you away as quickly as possible - so for over 18 years my memory of you have been your little chin (it hasn't changed) in the white car seat with red and blue decoration on it.

You should know that I didn't name you throughout my pregnancy, I just kept calling you son. I was toying with a few names for you, your name included - I wanted you to have a Greek name, but I didn't really want to after anyone I was close to - so eventually I decided to name you Kostas - which you were for me until February this year. That is when I realised that you had been given one of my favorite Greek boy's names.

I still haven't given up the hope that your (adoptive) parents will tell you soon. I know you are home this weekend and you have not been on you FB since Friday - which is not like you - so might be good news for me - I can but hope.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Odd couple of weeks!!

I have had a odd couple of weeks - ever since your uncle was back in touch (maybe that was a good omen). One of your cousin and your aunt has been in touch with me and taken my mind of you! I have even manage to have some me time - girly days out and all!!

But you keep surprising me - I sometimes wonder if you can "hear" me, I know at present you are not reading this blog, but since I "asked" you to not delete your Facebook status updates, you have stopped doing so, and after "asking" a few times for you to put up some more pictures of yourself, you finally have.

I love your new photos, in one you look a bit like Josh Hartnett and in the other, the way you look into the camera, is very similar to a recent photo of me. If you ever get to see it you will see what I mean. You also managed to post a link to one of my favorite tracks of one particular band - the odd thing is that in your age group not everyone would have heard about them - but your taste in music is excellent.

One of the other odd things happening, is a second person agreed with my flatmate, that Ray could have been your father. I'm starting to wonder if the reason I initially liked Ray, was that he and your father were similar in looks - Sigmund Freud might have something to say about that one... So the fact that I am getting back in touch with his family now is quite strange.

I am still trying to decided if I should make a direct approach to you... some of my friends say I should - but I'm still not sure. A friend pointed out that the reason I am worried about contacting you directly, is that I am worried that you might reject me. She is right that this is my biggest fear. However, she had a valid point - if you reject me at least I would know where I stand, but for the moment I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that. I know I should bite the bullet and make first contact, but I just think that I should give your (adoptive) parents the opportunity to tell you over the summer. In the meanwhile, I just have to resist temptation to email you through Facebook.

There have actually been a few recent cases in the news, birth mothers has found their children through Facebook. If I did that, how would that first email read, would it be something like: "Hi you don't know me but I am your birth mother". Since you don't even know that you are adopted you might think I am some sort of a loony. Then again, you might appreciate that, but for the moment I have decided that I shall give your (adoptive) parents the summer to hopefully tell you.

The final odd, thing has been that for nearly 19 year I haven't had any fellow birth mothers around me and have felt alone in my choice but now I have found other birth mothers out there who share some of my feelings. One of my fellow birth mothers posted beautiful post on her blog the other day, it did made my cry but still gave me hope for the two of us. Hopefully, one day we can have a day similar to what she had - that would be so wonderful.

Friday, 29 May 2009

Exam time!!!

You are being quite (online) for the moment, but then again, you never seem to be spend much time online on Thursdays and Fridays - I do wonder what you are up to?

I know that your semester is about to come to an end, and you should, over the next couple of weeks have exams. I remember how much I hated them and how nervous I was before some of them - are you the same???

Hopefully, if my information regarding your (adoptive) parents professions is right, you should be well prepared for exam pressures. But then again, you might feel under more pressure - I hope not.

I remember one particular year - I had about 6 exams. With one of my subjects - maths - I felt that I had not done as good as I should through the year, and decided that I would study properly for the exam, so my overall mark was improved. So, I started revising about 3 weeks before the exam and thought I was properly prepared.

On the day of the exam, I couldn't sleep and after about 3 cups of coffee decided that me and the dog needed to go for a jog (can't believe I used to that regularly). When I finally get to the exam, I spent the full allotted time (something I never normally did). However, when I got my results, I had barely got a passing grade. But the same year, in one of my other subjects - I think it was law - I hadn't even bothered to revising and when I had finished, I sat there twiddling my thumbs until I was allowed to leave. I got top marks on that one - strange but normal for me.

So here I am wondering, with your exams shortly upon you - how you are preparing yourself? Are you getting your head down and studying hard or are you distracted by stuff (like girls) around you!!

Just in case you read this before your exams: just make sure you prepare yourself in a way you know works for you. And don't put too much pressure on yourself (or allow others to do so).

Another thing I'm wondering is, have I got your course right, if I have, this is only your first year of four. But if, I have got it wrong, my planned September trip might be a waste of time - I have assumed that you will be back at the same uni in September for your second year - I just have to wait and see.

Because I know you have exams coming up, I have resisted doing anything that might affect you. So no matter how strong my urge is - contacting you is out of the question for the moment, next month it might be different.

I still hope that your (adoptive) dad will come to his senses over the summer and pass on my letter to you - I just wish he would have let me know what he intend to do. Why couldn't he either just have told me:
  1. that you was not told yet but they were intending to tell you later
  2. or, that you knew and you did not want to have contact with me.
Knowing either of those two things, would have been much easier to deal with rather than the current limbo I'm in.

But for now, I have planned a night with with some of the girls, so hopefully that should distract me for a few hours.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

It's strange, its easier to "speak" to you this way

Its quite strange that I find it quite easy to "speak" to you in this way!! I think its because I know you is not reading this as I write it. I also know that if my mother had bothered to write to me in like this in any way, I might not have the same problems with her as I do have - more on that when we hopefully are face to face. I still hope I can get you to read this soon, and hopefully I write this in the way you would like.

Anyway, I am trying not to read to much into what is posted on your profile, but I got the feeling that you are doing what I normally do. If you are anything like me, you will let friends think that some of the stuff they say is all a joke and you don't mind it - but as I said, if you are anything like me - it does affect you - so I say it from experience they are laughing with you not at you!!

This is not the reason for tonight's blog anyway - the other day - when I was blogging to ensure I did not do something stupid, I finished my blog and started chatting to your uncle. A couple of hours later (and too late for my normal beauty sleep) we finally finished. But it made me realise, you and Ray are my two loves (I'm being corny) and since chatting to you uncle (he is only 8 years older than you) I realised how much I miss Ray.

So today, feeling a bit nostalgic, I went through my old photographs and came across my favourite picture of Ray. It made me cry over him, rather that you today, but that might have been good for my soul!!!

As hindsight is such a wonderful thing, it is quite weird to think that if life had gone my way, Ray would have been your (step)father. But thinking about Ray got me worked up, luckily my flatmate was at hand (that's the one who is coming to Greece with me) so I was able to have a good old fashion cry. Another thing she said, and I totally agree with, is that when looking at my favourite picture of Ray and you profile picture, you might have been father and son. I do agree - for me, aside from fate, Ray is your father - so if you ever read this - it probably would be easier for you to say that Ray is your father, rather than Ali (that will be your choice, just let me know so I don't put my foot in it). At least with Ray you have some family history and he was not a ship in the night like Ali.

A old acquaintance of me is a good artist and if I ever should see her again I will get her to do a sketch with you both in it - I might even try to get that done anyway, it would be a lovely picture.

Meanwhile, its quite nice (don't that this the wrong way - but its is good for my health ) to think that being back in touch with the Family (Ray's family) is meant to be, together with some of my other old friends. I will not allow the cynic in me allowing me to think that the end is neigh. But with them around, you are not no my mind ever second of the day, which is good.

The funny thing is that unless I had found Sam's site last year I wouldn't even have started my blog nor would I have got back in touch with the Family or you, so thank you Sam.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Worried I do something stupid

Better do a blog tonight rather than do something stupid like, adding you as friend (sorry I was not intending to to point out that I found you on FaceBook, rather than Bebo, Hi5 or MySpace - but since most to the worlds population is on there I don't think it matters).

But tonight I have had a few hours to properly read to most of the birth mother's blogs and the webrings I joined. I have also signed up for this reunion e-course I found - its great and free - but I cannot believe that some people would have paid 100s pounds for something like this. Sorry another link but its worth signing up for this - the link is I just wish I found this before I tried to find you.

You see, for now I am being told to do a couple of things:
  1. contact you directly through Facebook - not an option I'm in favor of.
  2. write to your (adoptive) dad again - just to let him know I'm not giving up meeting you - I think I have made that point clear already.
  3. writing to you mum - if my information is correct and your (adoptive) parents are divorced I still would hope that your dad have told her. But I'm thinking if option 4 does not pan out that this would be best.
  4. turning up in Greece in September - what I would prefer (wishful thinking I assume) is that I would bump into you in the street and you would "know" me.

Actually, what I hoping would happened is that due to exams etc that your (adoptive) parents would realised that I will not give up before you can make your own mind up and tell you over the summer.

Meanwhile, I have Googled any which way I can think you might find me and sorry unless either your (adoptive) parents tell you or I approach you, I'm worried you would never find out.

So anyone else out there in my son's or my situation please, give me some tips in how to proceed!!!

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