Sunday, 25 May 2014

"Inbetweener" generation of birthmothers

Being online and reading the many adoption blogs and forums I follow, have made me realise that there are atleast 3 different generation of birth mothers.

You have the BSE - Baby Scoop Era it sort of ended in the mid to late 80s, but not fully.  Then you have my generation, the "inbetweeners" from about mid 80's to the late 90's.  Finally, you have the "modern" generation, the era of "open adoption".  However, for the" modern" generation it is also a big difference between the UK and USA.  In the USA, TV programs like 16 and Pregnant "celebrate" open adoption. In the UK, for the "modern" generation social services has been involved and the children have been removed from their family and an adoption order granted.  So the adoption is more focused on adopting out of the foster care system and that the adoptee is fully aware of their circumstance growing up.  Although, it seems from posts I see in some of the UK forums it that Local Authorities and Judge's issues adoption orders far to in the UK it looks like a new BSE period is on the horizon...I will try to write more about this another time.

I cannot speak for the BSE or the "modern" generation of mothers, because I'm an "inbetweener", I'm between the two generations...I was affected by the stigma of the BSE generation but at the same time I was a test subject of some of the lies being told to the "modern" generation.  Nor can I speak for mothers who lost their children through social service's actions.

We still felt the stigma of being a single mother...told we were unable to take care of ourself and our children, we were coerced (subtly or forcefully) into giving up our essences told we were not good enough...OK, so we wasn't sent to a mother and baby home...we wasn't alienated from our friends or loved ones...still we were coerced, we were often told our lives would go on without it affecting us...that we would forget our child. 

At the same time, we were told that our children would be told about us, grow up knowing that we loved them so much that we did the best we could for them and that was to place them for know that "lovely" phrase of we gave the "Gift of Love" to our children and their adoptive parents. 

Not sure about other "inbetweeners", but I was told that my son would always know about me, that he would be encourage to come and find me when he was older, if that was what he wanted.  I spent years clinging to the hope that he had been told about how my circumstance at the time made me unable to raise him and that because I loved him too much...what a pile of crap.  Yes, I did believe all the crap.

My generation of "inbetweener" mothers are more vocal about our adoption journeys and yes, some of us are angry...mainly we are the previous generation we told that we will forgive us for speaking up and telling the world that adoption can suck...especially for those of us who "voluntary" sought adoption for our children...we were lead to believe that it was the best for our child and ourself...then we learn the ugly truth...we will never forget our child and adoption hurts our children and us...the pain will never go away.  Can you understand why we feel hurt?

So what should we do?  First we must forgive ourself...if we don't any potential reunion with our child will never be successful.  We must share our stories, learn from each other and educate others on the long term effects of adoption.  Most of all, we must respect that each of us have an unique adoption journey and support each other.

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