Saturday, 17 April 2010

Grief is like the Tears Of A Clown

With losing Uma this week, I had forgotten how some people react when you lose someone, a lot of people are worried about what they say to you.

When I lost Radouane, my old boss told to me that the best thing he could do for me, was to go on as normal. He knew that one day I would break down and when that happened he would understand. Those were wise words and I have lived by them since.

When someone around me have lost someone - I will always avoid using words like "I'm sorry" or "My Condolences", because I find them insincere, I also remember I got angry when someone said it to me. I end up saying something like: "I'm here if you need to talk or just to come and scream at someone". It sounds a bit cold but what else can you say. Someone telling me "I'm so sorry" made me want to shout: "NO YOU ARE NOT YOU ARE HAPPY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU". Grief cannot described, it has to be experienced to understand.

I'm one of those people whom always seems to be smiling on the outside - the calm, collected one others come to when they need help - it is so far from the truth. That got me thinking of a poem I liked when I was your age, it had had a line in it that went something like this "behind the painted smile, no one can see the tears of the clown". Because the line sums up the way I'm feeling, I wanted to find the poem again. I could't find it but found this poem instead...

You don't see the pain I bear
I hide my sorrows well
Seeming happy on the outside
While the inside hurts like hell

I make a joke, I make you laugh
You really have no clue
You think you know me very well
Have I got news for you

I only let you see enough
To think you know my life
Never will you see the true me
Only I can know my strife

No one else can know my heart
I've hidden it away
I've covered it with make-up
Made of jokes and laughters sway

You'll never see how much it bleeds
How much it's torn apart
You can not know the damage there
Deep inside my heart

I always hide myself away
No one can see a frown
You'll only see the happy face
Never see the tears of this clown.

I would like to thank the author... whoever they might be.

Monday, 12 April 2010

She is gone!

This morning we got the news we dreaded over the weekend - Uma has passed on.

Last night I got this lovely image in my head that Radouane was there at her bedside holding her hand and telling her it was time to come. I also know that he would have told her how much we all loved her.

As they say: Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raajioon

Uma, I love you and thank you so much for being my mum xxx

Saturday, 10 April 2010


We had some bad news from Algeria today..Uma is very ill, and it might be goodbye... I just hope that she get a chance to meet you before the end but its unlikely.

At least if she goes, Radouane will be there to take care off her and guide her though it.

The scary thing is tonight I might loose my mum and it frighting, considering that I haven't had that much time with her. But the only thing I can think of now is how the fuck can I get to Algeria to spend some time with her, if it is her last days. I'm freaking out, I dont want her to go as I still need her in my life.

The stupid thing is my French so rubbish that I might even not have the chance to call her to say goodbye. But I will find a way, beg, borrow or steal as they say over her... I will get to say goodbye, even if its only on here.

So excuse my bad French

Maman, Je t'aime de tout mon cœur et s'il vous plaît restez avec moi, je
ne peut pas vous perdez encore, même si je sais que tu veux être avec ma
l'amour Radouane

Votre fille aimante xxxx

Saturday, 3 April 2010

A year of getting "know" you

I cannot believe that it is nearly a year since I found you online and got access to pictures of you - and a it is nearly a year since my call to your (adoptive) father.

It have been a full on year for me at least - with spending time with The Family and having you out in the open has been so good for my sanity.

Not sure about you, I'm fairly certain that over the past year you have had your heart broken for the first time - I just wished I could have been there to support you and of course to give you load of hugs. If your (adoptive) parents have told you about me it would be a massive year for you.

I still wonder everyday if you know about me - you see not knowing if you know is heartbreaking for me - I can handled you knowing and not wanting to have me in your life. The thing that is killing me, is the thought of you one day finding out by accident that you were adopted and believe me you will one day find out. If that happens I just hope that you will not be angry - and forgive your (adoptive) parents and myself.

Since deciding I would assume that you know about me - it have made life more bearable but still not knowing for sure is hard.

Luckily, I think I have the patience of a saint (that is probably wishful thinking) so I'm just have to grin and bear it.

For now ευτυχισμένος ο καινούργιος Πάσχα ♥

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