Friday, 25 September 2015

Realisations...and loads of them

Wow, just realised it is nearly a years since I last posted something...11 months plus minus a few days to be exact.

What a year it has been, work wise, I have been put down, belittled ad in general bullied by someone who favourite phrase is "you think you are better than me", to that person I say if you have to say that to me on a regular basis, the problem is not me but transfer your insecurities onto someone else.

Why do I say that...because I have realised that my insecurities has been transferred to someone else...I'm guilty of projecting my insecurities to others, I had stopped seeing my faults and blaming them on someone else, I have realised my faults...and I accept them.

Still, what a year it has been...I have seen my son (yet again, in the flesh without contact), I have seen that he is happy and content...I have seen him with a girl friend (who without meeting I instantly liked). After seeing him so happy, I am thinking...what right to I have to disrupt his life,

This year, I have realised that what is most important to me is his happiness and well-being, what right do I have to ruin his life with telling him that he is my son...that I love him more than the universe itself.   I do not have the right to do that to him, he has the right to know about me...I am not disputing that...I have just realised it has to be on his terms and his terms alone.

Do I regret my decision to place him for adoption, of course I do, everyday I wake up with a hole in my heart that can only be filled by my son, without him I'm missing a piece of me...but it still my wishes doesn't has to be his wishes that are to be honoured, if he wants to meet and turn around to say he hates me, so be it....if he wants a relationship with me....I will work for it, I have just realised that no matter how much Kool-Aid I'm still drinking...only my son's feelings are all that's matter to me, if he hates me, I can live with that, if he wants a relationship with me I defiantly can live with that...I can live with any choice he makes, because he will have been given the choice, as long as he has the option to know, that he has a choice is the only thing that matters to me.

So, what does this make me...a good mother, a Kool-Aid drinker... I don't really care...the only thing I do care about is my son's feelings..I made a choice, no matter how much I would love to go back to change it, I cannot, no more than I can change the accident that took my husband from me.  I have been told that time heals all wounds...that is just learn to live with the pain.

I just know that my decision, did make me me...with all my faults and everything...and yes I do punish myself on a regular basis...I do not allow myself better...I see where I am in life as my punishment... so coming back to projecting my own insecurities to others but not my personal downfall is that I am punishing myself...and so I allow someone who is so insecure about themselves to blame me if the sun shines the wrong way...for me that is part of my punishment...I allow someone to treat me like dirt, because that is what I think about myself...still it does not make me a lesser person.

In fact, I when speak to total strangers, I do not hide in the shadows...I'm a BIRTH MOTHER (only because that is the only term others understand, not because I like the term)...I am my son's mother, not his mum and sorry for using the birth mother as the word to describe myself,, and they admire actually told me that my losses gave me a gift...the gift of patience and understanding...he my son up for adoption, opened Pandora's box, amongst all that chaos that is my life, I got one precious gift...the hope that tomorrow will be better...that is the only gift I can give to my son....the same hope...again, I just have to say that if I know he is happy...that is what I will be happy too...that more can I expect...I am luckier than other birth mothers...I KNOW who my son is, he is alive and that he smiles with his eyes...he is gorgeous (OK what mother is not going to say that),.

On a final note,adoption defines me, but I will not longer allow it to fuck up my life, I may no longer take my punishment...I don't deserve to be treated badly because I feel guilty about my decision, especially not by my "friends"

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