Thursday, 6 March 2014

Janteloven and adoption

I have a very good friend...OK sometimes I do hate him because he is very good with pointing out my faults...still, we all need a friend like this...because if we don't have one of these friends we will not learn and grow from our mistakes.

However, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching a program called Scanimania, the host Hugh Fernely-Whittingstall reminded me about the bane of Scandinavia called Jante's Law.  I had a bad week with my friend pointing out a number of my faults...I was at a low friend, had pointed out that I do something very good then I go and ruin it with something stupid...I can do a complicated task and then I fuck up on something simple and obvious.

The I see the program and Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall mentions Janteloven (Law of Jante) and then it hit me...that stupid "law" has influenced all my life...I have been indoctrinated into believing that this is how life is supposed to be...then I have a light bulb moment...this is one of the reasons I placed my son for adoption.

Let me try to explain, the law is simple...You are never good enough, but let me put into my adoption perspective.

The ten laws of Jante are (in bold and my interpretation below)

1) You're not to think you are anything special

Why do you think you are able to go it alone, you are not good enough to be a single mother
2) You're not to think you are as good as we are
As a single parent, you will fail, a two parent family is always what is best for the child
3) You're not to think you are smarter than we are.
As a single parent without family support, you will not be a good parent
4) You're not to convince yourself are more better than we are
as above you will have failed because we said so
5) You're not to think you know more than we do
Hindsight is such a wonderful thing..had I known what I know today...I would never have done what I did then...still I know I cannot change anything so this statement is true.  I still don't know more than you do...then again,
6) You're should not think you are more important than we are
As the Apap your feelings are more important than mine, I was just a carrier for OUR child, after birth I have no feelings for this child
7) You're not to think you are good at anything
after all I was were just an incubator for 9 months, I will never be a good parent as you will ever be
8) You're not to laugh at us
when you come out with statements like "God knits you together in your mother's womb then he wove you into our hearts you" and other sickening statement I am not supposed to snigger in disgust.
9) You're not to think that anyone cares about you
Our child will never have any feelings towards e...either good or bad...I'm a non entity in their life...I do not exist
10) You're not to think you can teach us anything.
No my experience does not help future will not help the next generation of adoptees, birth parents or adoptive experience will never help another in the adoption triad to avoid the potential pitfalls of the adoptees welfare

Now look into your own adoption story and tell me which part of Janteloven did not apply to you?

So I'm lucky, I have a friend who points out my fault and made me realise that Janteloven impacted on my decision to place my son for adoption.   So OK I will forgive my friend to point out my faults..despite not seeing their own....then again...he has just learnt about Janteloven...He would have never survived had he been raised on these "principles" untill I can deprogram myself...I will do something good then do something stupid to fuck it all up.

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