Monday, 31 May 2010

I don't expect my baby back!

I just finished watching the Lady Gaga episode of Glee - sad I know but loving the show... maybe the reason I'm loving the show, is that they have two adoption stories running. Quinn, who is pregnant and considering giving up her baby and Rachel, who in this episode was reunited with her birth mother, Shelby.

During the episode, Shelby explained to Mr Schuester that she wanted her baby back not a grown daughter. Shelby and Rachel have a moment together where they realise that they reunion is not what they hoped - that made me think.

I have heard and read so many reunion stories where the reunion is unsuccessful, because the birth mother expect to get their newborn child back. They haven't expected a young man/lady they met to be the little baby they placed for adoption. Personally, I believe that is the wrong expectation.

Of course, I want you in my life... it is just that I never expected a baby back. In my mind you grew up, you had your first birthday, first day at school etc. It is as a young man, I had hoped you come into my life or maybe, it is because I am "getting to know" you now, I don't expect a baby back.

There was also a point in the episode where Shelby told Rachel that she realised that she could only be her mother and never her mum. I think this is also a factor in unsuccessful reunions. Some birth mothers expect that their child would immediately see them as mum (this also goes for birth father reunions). Again, that is something I have always known...I even said it here before - biologically I am your mother - I will never be your mana. I would of course love to be a mum to you but, that is something only you can ever decide on. For me, just having you in my life only as a friend would be great.

Monday, 24 May 2010

I recently found some video clips of you and I keep watching them over and over... not sure if this qualify me as a stalker but I cannot help it. I just wish I could have isolate your voice in it... I would love to hear you speak - hopefully, one day I will.

You actually look so much like your biological father in those clips and I think you are a bit shorter than I thought. For the first time in over 20 years I can actually picture him... I would say that you got your good looks from him - together with my eyes and chin. As I said before, I just hope you haven't inherited his temper.

Anyway, in the clips you looked so happy and I can only say great job and I'm proud of your achievement.

Saturday, 15 May 2010

"Normal" service resumes

The other week I was feeling absolutely shit.. now two weeks later I'm "back to normal".

I knew when I wrote my last post that I was being paranoid and what I was feeling wasn't reality. As soon as I had posted the entry for that day, I chatted to both your Cousin 1 & 2, they both cheered me up. I was also surprised of how many people who came up and told me that they loved and cared about me. That is what you get for feeling sorry for yourself.

I even got an email from a fellow runner... sent him and quick message back but still haven't heard anything...but that's life. Also, Big Brother and his wife has started to call me on a regular basis and I even spoke to Weird Brother today.

Weird Brother told me Baba was with Little Sister so I will have to call them tomorrow... I was hoping he would go there, so that is great news and hopefully that will mean that I get to see him more often.

Just finished having a long chat online with an old mate and I'm hoping to catch up with him next weekend... I haven't seen him for a while but hopefully we will be back to "our old selves" and nothing will have changed in our friendship - online we are the same.

OK this post is going to be a bit of a ramble... but as I said normal service has resumed.

The current situation in Greece quite extraordinary, but every time there are something on the news, I'm glued to the screen looking out for you. The thought of you demonstrating against the austerity measures, fills me with pride - because I know there are more to those demonstrations than the rest of Europe sees. Just the thought of you standing up and fighting for what you believe in is great and I sort of hope that you are there on the front-line - at the same time I want you to be careful and not come to any harm of course.

So just know your mum is very proud of you and loves you loads xx

Saturday, 1 May 2010

I'm feeling like shit

I don't know why...but for the moment I feel like shit.. I feel like no one cares about me. I know that is not true but sometimes if I don't hear someone say they love me, I feel like shit...

Of course I know that is not true... I know I have people who loves me and cares about me... the problem is (psychoanalysing this) I cannot remember ever being told as a child I was loved - I probably was, just can't remember it.

Something in my childhood must have affected me, because if I don't hear someone tell me that I'm loved, I have a "down" day. That's also when my façade comes up - it is one my traits I hope you have not inherited. I'm so used to being "let down" that when someone tells me they love me and I don't speak to them when I want I feel like it, I feel let down. When this happens my "game" face comes on... hence the previous post about being the clown who hides behind their painted smile.

When it comes to you... I do remember that your feeling comes into it... it is just with the rest of the people in my life - I forget. I just have to remember that their feeling are as important as mine.

OK - so it's official I'm being selfish... but I'm allowed to feel shit once in a while - as long as I remember it is not all about me.

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