Monday, 29 November 2010

When are you ready for reunion?

A friend was telling me about her other friend today - another birth mother - it started that with my friend complaining about her friend upsetting her over something trivial - it is surprising how a little comment can lead to major revelations.

Then she went on to tell me the story about her friend and it shocked me...not necessary the story but my reaction to it - I found myself being the "counselor" again.

Anyway, back to this story... this lady grew up in an strict traditional Asian family and from what I was told, she was beaten up by her mother on a regular basis.   In her late teens she rebelled and started to sleep around and found herself pregnant.  She then managed to hide her pregnancy from her family until she went into labor.  Being an unwed mother would apparently bring shame on the family and her parents forced her to give up her child - I understand that she got to spend a few days with her child.  After this, the  lady went on to get married (I don't know if it was a "good" marriage) and had another child.  She subsequently divorced and is now a single mother - the relationship with the second child damaged and according to my friend mother and child "hates" each other.

Now 18 years later, the child's adoptive family approached the birth mother - I think for medical reasons and they are in the process to telling the child and is happy to facilitate a reunion.  This is due happen over the next couple of months.  The birth mother told my friend that she don't want to have anything to do with her oldest child - she just want the one meeting and be over and done with it.

I found myself explaining that adoption reunions are not something that should not be taken lightly and her friend really need to make sure she was ready for a reunion - I didn't think she have come to terms with the effects of the adoption or started the "grieving" process.  I'm sure that the relationship she has with her second child and her behavior is a direct result of the forced adoption.  I just hope my friend gets this lady to speak to someone who understands the adoption issue before she "loose" both her children for good.  I know my friend is there with her love and support (and hopefully a bit better understanding of the effect of adoption).

The more I was explaining this to my friend,  the more I realized that I'm "at peace" with my decision to place you for adoption.

I would not like to second guess what you would do or feel, especially since I don't even know if you know about me yet.  However, I'm also "at peace" with the fact that you might not want to get to know me - it would of course hurt me but I would respect your decision - I would just be here for you should you then change your mind.  My friend thought if that day comes you and I will have a good relationship - I can only hope..

The whole thing made me think that we are lucky... placing you for adoption has severely affected me, but it haven't "fucked" me up and I think you have grown into a balanced young man.  Then again, I couldn't even try to imagine how I would feel had I been forced  into placing you.  

So I have come to the conclusion that you are ready for a reunion when you fully embrace the possibility of rejection.

Monday, 15 November 2010


Just finished a long chat with my flatmate... about mothers... and it I'm wondering what type of relationship you have with your (adoptive) mother... I just hope it is a great one.

No matter what I love my mothers... in one way I'm very lucky... I had three mothers who are all very diffrent and I love them all in different ways.

My biological mum - who are I supposed classed as my proper mum - I do love her to bits but as I have said I just don't think we "gelled" - it happens sometimes and cannot be helped - I have said it before it is not her fault it was just not meant to be.

Mana - in the short time I knew her - she was my guiding light and thought me about life - both good and bad - she held my hand through some great times and some really bad - but was always there for me no matter what and would always try to guide me without being judgmental.

Yuma - what can I say - my true mum - who thought me how to cook, who guided me through womanhood - and the mum I'm missing the most - I know you and Radouane is keeping a close eye on me and making sure my path always true.. أمي ، اشتقت لك والحب لك من كل قلبي

So, despite what I would like to be... I just hope you love your (adoptive) mum as much as I do love each of my mums - I will of course always hope that I can share you with your "proper" mum but only time will tell on this one.

Love you kiddo xxxx

Friday, 12 November 2010

Adoption Awareness Month

November is the National Adoption Awareness Month. .. it has got me thinking.... as I have said before - me and thinking is always a bad combination.

A lot of my fellow birth mother's blogs mentions they were "forced" into (using my least favorite word again) relinquish their child. I am racking my brain and trying to figure out if I ever was "forced" into placing you for adoption - and again, in my case it was definitely the opposite - my friends tried to get me to keep you.   I have never been one for believing in astrology etc - although I'm apparently very good a reading Tarot Cards - the older I get the more I can see I'm a Libra - I can always see both side of an argument - getting sidetracked here.  But I knew that my circumstance at the time made placing you for adoption was the right thing... for us.  I cannot speak for anyone else.

However, that this does not mean that I don't feel the hurt and pain not having you in my life.... a fellow blogger put this so eloquently in their posting "We Bleed Too" , everyday without you hurts.

So, because it is National Awareness month I have done something silly - for me at least - found a site that does "physic reading".  The questions I asked where:
  • Does he (you) know about me? the answer was Yes, Yes, Yes
  • Does he (you) want to get to know me? the answer was Definitely Yes
  • Does he (you) know how I am?  the answer was Absolutely Yes
  • Will we have contact this year? the answer was Nope
  • What about next year? the answer was Of Course Yes
So not sure if this is wishful thinking coinciding with National Adoption Awareness month, but it gives me some hope for the future.  Anyways, enough ramblings for tonight. 

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