Friday, 29 May 2009

Exam time!!!

You are being quite (online) for the moment, but then again, you never seem to be spend much time online on Thursdays and Fridays - I do wonder what you are up to?

I know that your semester is about to come to an end, and you should, over the next couple of weeks have exams. I remember how much I hated them and how nervous I was before some of them - are you the same???

Hopefully, if my information regarding your (adoptive) parents professions is right, you should be well prepared for exam pressures. But then again, you might feel under more pressure - I hope not.

I remember one particular year - I had about 6 exams. With one of my subjects - maths - I felt that I had not done as good as I should through the year, and decided that I would study properly for the exam, so my overall mark was improved. So, I started revising about 3 weeks before the exam and thought I was properly prepared.

On the day of the exam, I couldn't sleep and after about 3 cups of coffee decided that me and the dog needed to go for a jog (can't believe I used to that regularly). When I finally get to the exam, I spent the full allotted time (something I never normally did). However, when I got my results, I had barely got a passing grade. But the same year, in one of my other subjects - I think it was law - I hadn't even bothered to revising and when I had finished, I sat there twiddling my thumbs until I was allowed to leave. I got top marks on that one - strange but normal for me.

So here I am wondering, with your exams shortly upon you - how you are preparing yourself? Are you getting your head down and studying hard or are you distracted by stuff (like girls) around you!!

Just in case you read this before your exams: just make sure you prepare yourself in a way you know works for you. And don't put too much pressure on yourself (or allow others to do so).

Another thing I'm wondering is, have I got your course right, if I have, this is only your first year of four. But if, I have got it wrong, my planned September trip might be a waste of time - I have assumed that you will be back at the same uni in September for your second year - I just have to wait and see.

Because I know you have exams coming up, I have resisted doing anything that might affect you. So no matter how strong my urge is - contacting you is out of the question for the moment, next month it might be different.

I still hope that your (adoptive) dad will come to his senses over the summer and pass on my letter to you - I just wish he would have let me know what he intend to do. Why couldn't he either just have told me:
  1. that you was not told yet but they were intending to tell you later
  2. or, that you knew and you did not want to have contact with me.
Knowing either of those two things, would have been much easier to deal with rather than the current limbo I'm in.

But for now, I have planned a night with with some of the girls, so hopefully that should distract me for a few hours.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

It's strange, its easier to "speak" to you this way

Its quite strange that I find it quite easy to "speak" to you in this way!! I think its because I know you is not reading this as I write it. I also know that if my mother had bothered to write to me in like this in any way, I might not have the same problems with her as I do have - more on that when we hopefully are face to face. I still hope I can get you to read this soon, and hopefully I write this in the way you would like.

Anyway, I am trying not to read to much into what is posted on your profile, but I got the feeling that you are doing what I normally do. If you are anything like me, you will let friends think that some of the stuff they say is all a joke and you don't mind it - but as I said, if you are anything like me - it does affect you - so I say it from experience they are laughing with you not at you!!

This is not the reason for tonight's blog anyway - the other day - when I was blogging to ensure I did not do something stupid, I finished my blog and started chatting to your uncle. A couple of hours later (and too late for my normal beauty sleep) we finally finished. But it made me realise, you and Ray are my two loves (I'm being corny) and since chatting to you uncle (he is only 8 years older than you) I realised how much I miss Ray.

So today, feeling a bit nostalgic, I went through my old photographs and came across my favourite picture of Ray. It made me cry over him, rather that you today, but that might have been good for my soul!!!

As hindsight is such a wonderful thing, it is quite weird to think that if life had gone my way, Ray would have been your (step)father. But thinking about Ray got me worked up, luckily my flatmate was at hand (that's the one who is coming to Greece with me) so I was able to have a good old fashion cry. Another thing she said, and I totally agree with, is that when looking at my favourite picture of Ray and you profile picture, you might have been father and son. I do agree - for me, aside from fate, Ray is your father - so if you ever read this - it probably would be easier for you to say that Ray is your father, rather than Ali (that will be your choice, just let me know so I don't put my foot in it). At least with Ray you have some family history and he was not a ship in the night like Ali.

A old acquaintance of me is a good artist and if I ever should see her again I will get her to do a sketch with you both in it - I might even try to get that done anyway, it would be a lovely picture.

Meanwhile, its quite nice (don't that this the wrong way - but its is good for my health ) to think that being back in touch with the Family (Ray's family) is meant to be, together with some of my other old friends. I will not allow the cynic in me allowing me to think that the end is neigh. But with them around, you are not no my mind ever second of the day, which is good.

The funny thing is that unless I had found Sam's site last year I wouldn't even have started my blog nor would I have got back in touch with the Family or you, so thank you Sam.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Worried I do something stupid

Better do a blog tonight rather than do something stupid like, adding you as friend (sorry I was not intending to to point out that I found you on FaceBook, rather than Bebo, Hi5 or MySpace - but since most to the worlds population is on there I don't think it matters).

But tonight I have had a few hours to properly read to most of the birth mother's blogs and the webrings I joined. I have also signed up for this reunion e-course I found - its great and free - but I cannot believe that some people would have paid 100s pounds for something like this. Sorry another link but its worth signing up for this - the link is I just wish I found this before I tried to find you.

You see, for now I am being told to do a couple of things:
  1. contact you directly through Facebook - not an option I'm in favor of.
  2. write to your (adoptive) dad again - just to let him know I'm not giving up meeting you - I think I have made that point clear already.
  3. writing to you mum - if my information is correct and your (adoptive) parents are divorced I still would hope that your dad have told her. But I'm thinking if option 4 does not pan out that this would be best.
  4. turning up in Greece in September - what I would prefer (wishful thinking I assume) is that I would bump into you in the street and you would "know" me.

Actually, what I hoping would happened is that due to exams etc that your (adoptive) parents would realised that I will not give up before you can make your own mind up and tell you over the summer.

Meanwhile, I have Googled any which way I can think you might find me and sorry unless either your (adoptive) parents tell you or I approach you, I'm worried you would never find out.

So anyone else out there in my son's or my situation please, give me some tips in how to proceed!!!

Monday, 18 May 2009

Your extended family

Aside from you, there have only been one true love in my life & that was Radouane (or Ray as he liked to be called) - he is not the guy in the middle of course!!! Different type of love of course but still my to only true loves!!

It would have been great if I had met him before you were born - but I wouldn't have met him if you had not been placed for adoption in Greece - and as he is no longer with us you will never get the chance to meet him. Life can be a bitch in that way.

I met him shortly after I arrived in the UK and we were together for about 4 years - we were married for only 1 1/2 years before he died but we often discussed you. I think it might have been his reaction to being told about you which made me fall for him so hard.

Your dad & Ray was as different as night & day. If only Ray had been your dad! He was the one who suggested we try to get you back, I was the one (stupidly) who said you would better off with your (adoptive) parents. I hope you will agree with me.

One of Ray's brothers added me on Facebook the other day and I emailed him - the scary thing is that last time I saw him he was a naught 12-year old. He emailed me back saying that he has been living the the UK for the past 10 years and have a 3-year old boy (this means that 3 of Ray's brothers lives in the UK). I hope I will get a chance to catch up with the boys soon, its to bad we drifted apart but without Ray we didn't have to much in common - nor do I speak French so I could not keep in touch with my in-laws in Algeria. But, I class Ray's family as my family (rather than my Norwegian family) even if I haven't seen them for years - and I have proudly kept his surname for all these years. Actually, its not that different from yours.

The email got me thinking - you have a quite a large "extended family". From Ray's side of the family, 4 uncles and 2 aunts and to my knowledge 4 cousins, 3 boys and 1 girl. Actually, I think two of the cousins are about your age now - OK you are the oldest, but they are only a couple of years younger than you.

Hopefully, both of us will get to meet up with the Algerian branch of the family one day.

On my side you have 3 uncles and 1 aunt and I think, 1 cousin - a girl, but Ray's family is whom I would say are your family rather than the others - but if you ever wanted to contact your Norwegian family, I wouldn't have any problems with you doing that, even if I don't want to have contact with some of them myself.

Any not forgetting my London "family", they are are also important to me - and they are probably the first ones you would meet if you ever wanted to come to London to see me.

I don't think you have any brother or sisters in Greece and you are my only child, but you have actually quite a large family you might want to meet one day. But one step at the time - first you need to find out you are adopted and decide if you want to meet me.

I have also - thanks to a fellow birth mother - realised the reason I keep dissolving into tears for the moment - is that I'm actually grieving for you. She directed me to a blog entry which described something called disenfranchised grief. I have included a link for this scroll down to the November 2, 2008 entry entitled: ‘Validation…a necessary part of the healing journey’. I found it very helpful although I don't agree with all she say. I still believe that placing a child of adoption is often the best option for everyone.

I still hope that I can get you to read this blog one day and hopefully it will make it easier for you to understand me.

Πολλή αγάπη από την μαμά xxx

PS the girls are going to call you a cutie pie cause you are one so you need to get used to that one.

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Birth Mothers First Mothers Biological Mothers

Strange title for this posting, but I came across some blogs posted by American birth mothers (is there no UK ones that blogs?), and I seriously starting to think that I'm either extremely unique or I'm seriously weird! (I did sign up for the web rings I found, so it will be interesting to think what other birth/first/bio mothers think - hence the title so it might be found by others).

So reading these blogs I'm thinking I never had any therapy or conventional support in my life, with my childhood, placing your for adoption or Ray's death. Even if I did toy with the idea of becoming a shrink myself I have never felt the need for therapy - although other people who have had similar lives to me might be totally fucked up.

When I realised that I was expecting you, and before it was confirmed I was pregnant, I calmly went through my options, which I think I touched upon before but here we go again where:
  1. Going back to Norway to raise you, I would have loved to be able to do that but I would not risk my sanity, health and therefore your well-being around my family - don't get me wrong they were not that bad. But I wanted better for you and I was worried I would end up like my mother and resent you. I needed to break the circle my family appeared to be in and didn't want you to ever hear that you were a mistake.

  2. Raise you in Greece - another option I would have preferred, but with no money I would have to rely on other peoples support and generosity and again I was frightened I would resent you - it could be that I just didn't have any faith in myself as a mother but I just felt it right to place you for adoption.

  3. So, my final option was then placing you for adoption - I had heard about an organisation in the UK called LIFE and had planned to come here and contact them, when your (adoptive) parents came forward. But I decided not to meet them as I was frighted I would not like the look of them and change my mind. For me the fact that you would have a mother and father was important to me and every time I asked them (through my doctor) if they would change their mind if there was something wrong with you I was told "not all all". So for you to be that wanted made my decision much easier. The clincher was that they said (again through my doctor) that you would be told you ever adopted and that they would take a second child from me if the situation ever arose.
So I made this decision on my own, I was not pressured into it by anyone, it was more people around me wanting me to keep you than people saying that adoption was the only option. I was able to talk thought all my options with some good friends and they all said that I could only do what I thought was right.

Another thing I need to say - just because the problems in Greece with illegal/black market adoptions. I NEVER SOLD YOU - from what I have found out so far, is that everything was above board. Your (adoptive) parents to my knowledge only paid for my medical expenses (and one winter coat). I was offered a flat for the duration of the pregnancy (which I rejected) and after you were born I had a ticket to England and £500 (but I have always thought Manolis provided those). But then again I might have been wrong - but I do not believe the people in my life at that time would have allowed that to happen.

I think that one of the reasons I have never felt the need or urge for therapy is that I have always been open about you and my decision to place you. You have never been a secret to people in my life both new and old - when it have been appropriate I have brought you up in conversations. Now you have turned 18 and I decided that time had come to reunite - if that is want you want to do - my urge to get to meet you is overwhelming but I know it has be be your decision.

Your adoption I believe was what was called a closed adoption - although the change in Greek Law now means that its your right to find out about me and one of the reasons I am actively pursuing a reunion for us.

Hence, my sudden interest in other birth mothers and joining the web rings (if they accept me) and wondering what they would do in my situation. Would they hold out for you making the first approach, or make the first approach themselves and if so how? Or if an adoptee read this it, would be great if they could let me know who they would have been liked the approach to have been.

You see, I think the one thing I have been missing out on is contact with other birth mothers and adoptees rather than therapy???

In the meanwhile, I can only hope that your (adoptive) parents decide give you my letter before my planned trip to Greece. And sorry, I will continue to "cyber-stalk" you.

You haven't been online yet to day so I hope that you are just celebrating yesterdays results rather than you was up to no good yesterday.

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Monday, 11 May 2009

Why I am trying to contact you now!!

Someone pointed out that one of the questions you might as me is why do I want to contact you now.

There are many reasons - but don't think for a moment that I haven't thought about contacting you long before now. But the main reason is you are now 18-years old and a man. So you can decide yourself if you want to meet me or not. Of course, I hope that you want to meet me and remain in contact - but this is your decision - you might not want to have anything to do with me.

I should also let you know that I did back in the early 90's together with Ray (my late husband) consider if we should go to Greece and try to "reclaim" you. At the time I still thought you would grow up being told you were adopted (the fact you were supposed to be told was a deciding factor me agreeing to the adoption). So what we decided that we would leave it but we did decided that should we have kids they would be told about you. Unfortunately, Ray was killed in a car crash in 1995, so you don't have any siblings from my side (don't know about your bio dad though).

Since Ray died, I have thought about contacting your more and more, but as I always thought you would have been told about the adoption I thought I leave it you where 18 and then make sure I did everything possible to ensure that if you want to contact me you have all my contact details.

But after the reaction I got from your (adoptive) dad when I spoke to him - I now know that their promise of letting you know from as early age as possible has not been kept. Then again, I should give them the benefit of doubt, the right opportunity to tell you might not have arisen.

I am trying to think of way to make contact with you - I do not want to do anything that would alienate you from either your (adoptive) parents or me. But I might have not choice but to take that risk.

The person who pointed out that you might ask me why now also suggested that I contact you through you social networking profile. He suggested that I email you my details and just say I'm your biological mother - personally I think that might be more risky than doing what I'm thinking - which is to visit Greece and where you go to uni. I just hope that if I see you I have the strength to not approach you or if the unlikely happened and we got to meet that you were the one to make the approach.

I'm still contemplation sending a letter to your (adoptive) mum to see if I get a better response that your (adoptive) dad. But I do have a niggling little thought in the back of my head - what if you already know and don't want to have anything to do with me!!! My gut instinct says you don't know.

So for now, I still have a couple of months before September to decided what to do.

At least I have a opportunity to get to know a bit about you - even if its the just a small part of you - through you social networking page (I just wish you put some more photos on there and stop clearing some of your updates before I get a chance to translate them).

I have to admit, I'm currently trying to find out as much as possible about your interests - I love the movies you like and I wondering if you would love some of my favourite titles? Have you ever see City of God, Romper Stomper, Virgin Suicides amongst a few?

As for your favorite author, I have started to read his books and I have to admit I do like him, even if he was never on my radar before. What do you think about Mikis Theodorakis? He was the reason I fell in love with Greece and I am not talking about Zorba The Greek but, his more political stuff. By the way, whatever if afoot on Wendsday - be careful will you - but do make me proud.

Freakishly, I sometimes get the feeling that I should check your profile and you have posted something within the past hour or even minutes. I do sometimes wonder if you sense me and if you saw me if you would have this sense of a connection or if this is only wishful thinking on my part. We just have to wait to September to see (I still don't now if you would still be there or somewhere else).

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Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Greetings from Brighton

Needed to clear my head and the best thing for me is always some nice sea air, so I treated myself to a day trip to Brighton.

It is just nice to be able to wander along the beach smelling the sea air - it is a bit windy but how cares.

I just know you will love this place, all the little shops with your favorite type of clothing, music and so on.

If I ever got the chance to show your around the UK, I will definitely take you down here. There are a few other places I would love to show you also, like Wapping, Camden - I think you would love the Devonshire Arms (its a Goth pub), Kensington Market and of course Carnaby Street - do you see a theme here??

I'm actually typing this up whilst listening you music you have posted on your social network profile, I quite like you taste in music.

Wandering around Brighton I keep seeing thing I thought you might like and I was considering picking up a few bits for you. But I decided that unless I find an album signed by your favourite artist I will not buy you anything yet, I don't know if I ever get to meet you - I just hope it will happen.

The other day I was on your profile at the same time as you I think - I could feel you (its a bit weird but I just knew you were online - did you feel it too??). It could just be wishful thinking on my part but it could also be that a mother and child should have a unique bond.

I'm still planning to go to your uni town in September - if you are still there of course. It will be odd if I could see you - my friend who is coming with me is under strict instructions to ensure that I do not approach you if I see you!! It might not be possible to stay away if I see you but I still hope that your (adoptive) parents will tell you before then and that you wish to make direct contact before I go to Greece.

Σ 'αγαπώ γιο

Friday, 1 May 2009

Are you any thing like your (bio) father?

The more I look at your picture the more I see your father in you.
I just hope that you only inherited his good looks - as he became an ex when he hit me once.

But what can I tell you about him? Nothing really, I don't even know his last name - we dated for a few month in 1990. His mate was dating my friend and he always had descent pot - I was never in love with him! So here's what I know: his name is Ali from Teheran, and he went to prison for dealing in 1990.

So sorry I can't tell you more...

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