Wednesday, 25 November 2009

What now... the Jeremy Kyle show????

Here in England we have this guy on TV called Jeremy Kyle... I have to admit I love watching his show... it just proves that I'm normal - I think!!!!!! (For your Americans - think Jerry Springer with verbal assaults rather than physical)

Anyway.. our lives could be an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show or a whole season!!

First Episode - my mother and me - our friend Jeremy might agree with me - I was never given a good example to follow... but then again my mother made me ... I cannot thank her enough for that and I do like me now...

Episode Two - how I met your father - for this one its simple and I cannot emphasise this enough, you was the best mistake ever..looking back I would loved to have kept you but is wasn't meant to be and you father and I could never have been your proper parents. When I was expecting you, if someone honestly would have said the three of us would be together forever - I still wouldn't have believed them. My decision to place you with your parents will always been the right one.

Episode Three - I cannot move on - sorry but after Ray's death I cannot move on and met someone new... I just think that Ray was the Cream of the Crop - he would always be the person the next man in my life can never measure up to - then again it has to be a special one to sweep me off my feet. Also Ray accepted you in whatever shape or form you would take. As I have said, Ray was your "father".

Episode Four - Move One - this episdoe is where Jeremy's aftercare team would have told me that I'm screwed, I need therapy etc... all of them was right... but my therapy is my friends - the ones I can talk to I mean, I don't think I do need conventional therapy.

Episode Five, Six,Seven etc... we are a strange but normal family (the Algerian branch) so we will have all that my Sister/Brother don't like my partner etc...all of the normal family situations applies to us.

Last Episode - Reunion - in this episode it's fairytale land, this is where what I want and what would happened is so far away from each other that I would not even consider the outcome of this one.

But as I said (by the way Jeremy Kyle staffers - my life story is not for sale but if you get us together I might consider it) Nor do I think your is either. But here is where I need a show could, otherwise how can I make contact...

You reader any suggestions??

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Ooops going nuts - nearly sent this one...

I thought I better post this here rather than sending it to my son's (adoptive) mum, but then again maybe I should send it.. let me know what you think!

Hello Adoptive Mum

Please accept my sincerest apologies for writing to you like this, but I previously wrote to Adoptive Dad and I’m still awaiting any response from him. Sorry , I also apologize for assuming you understand English.

As I’m not sure if Adoptive Dad told you of my letter, so I better start again.

On xx/xx/xxxx I gave birth to xxxxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx at hospital in Athens - I’m assume you call him αγόρι μας.

For the past 18+ year I have agonised over the day αγόρι μας turned 18 and he could, if he wanted, contact me - don’t get me wrong, I have never wanted to take your place as his mana - because that is and will always be you. But when I placed him with you, I was told that you would tell him he was adopted and the adoption was done out of my love for him and no other reasons.

So for 18 years, I waited patiently for the day he turned 18 and I could start taking steps, so if αγόρι μας wanted to find me, I make it as easy as possible for him. I was sure you would had told him and had hoped that he one day wanted to meet me.

When I sent my letter to Adoptive Dad, I hoped for a quick note back saying that you had told αγόρι μας or not. I also hoped that you would have been kind enough to send me some photos of αγόρι μας - that was a big ask, but I had hoped he would have understood my wish for some photos.

Aγόρι μας has always been in my heart and not far from my thought - I could lie and say I thought about him ever second of every day, if I had, that would have hurt to much and I wouldn't have able survive if I had. He is also my only child and that makes this situation much harder for me.

I get the impression that αγόρι μας does not know he is adopted and if that is the case it is SO WRONG. Aγόρι μας has the right to know that he is adopted and he and he alone, can decide if he ever want to have any contact with me.

But I can understand why you might not have told him, and it is possible I would have done the same in your situation. One day αγόρι μας will find out and I much rather know that you told him about me, rather than he finding out by accident.

I don’t regret placing him with you - that was right for all of us at the time but as I said - I did it think you would bring up our son (because that is what he is) knowing that he was adopted.

There are two things I do regret from that time - one is never to have met you - but I think we did “met” in my hospital room after αγόρι μας's birth and the other is not holding him in my arms before placing him with you. Then again, I still think that if I had held him, I would never have let him go.

So again, I apologise for contacting you like this, but I cannot have peace before I know that αγόρι μας knows he was adopted and have my details for when, if ever, he might be ready to contact me.

I thank you for taking such good care of αγόρι μας and hope that you can see it in your heart to allow him the opportunity to make the decision of whether or not, he want contact with me.

I know this is a letter would need loads of rewriting and editing should I ever send it off but I just needed put my thoughts down. I'm even debating whether or not posting this but as you can see it now out there... as I always say - better out than in..

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

OK, I'm a bit of a night owl!!

Just realised that most of my post is late a night - but that is because I'm a bit of a night owl, if it was up to me I would sleep all day and do all my stuff at night... are you the same??

I'm also so tempted to add you as a friend on one of my two profiles, but because of the risk that you know and it would upset you stops me, but it's is so tempting. I just know that sooner or later I will add you from one of them, unless I have the strength to not do it.

I'm currently going though a bit of a what if stage, my current what if are:

1. Do you know about me and don't want to know??
2. Do you know that you are adopted but don't know anything more and is curious?
3. Did you think when adding Cousin 1 and thought he was your brother/cousin/relative?
4. Do you know and is to scared to make contact... etc etc.

I just want you know, that if I knew you knew, it would be fine. For me the fact that you knew about me and did not want contact is bearable, but not knowing is pure hell.

I think you telling me that you hate me would be more bearable than not knowing if you know about me.

Other what ifs are:
  • what if I had gone back to Norway:
  • had Mana got me married off to Spyros, Nikos or Takis
  • had Ray got me back to Athens, claiming you back
  • had you parents responded to my letter etc...
There is only one what if I would have liked - that is Ray and me getting you back - that would have been nice - but not likely.

Because its so long since Ray passed, it is hard to second guess his wishes - but I think that had we had more time, we would have fought for you - as long as we both thought it was right for you. If we both felt that it would have been best for you to stay in Greece, it's where we would have left you. Actually, I think that we would have come to the same conclusion - that you belonged with your mana and mpampas. The reason for this is that and with hand on my heart, I can say that both Ray and I love(d) you - I will never stop loving you -it was the right thing at the time.

As for Ray - that is a bit of second guessing - but the more time I spend with the family I know I'm right - to Ray you was his son and he loved you with all his heart. Today is a day I wish the three of us could have been a proper family - but what you wish for is not always whats meant to be.

Έτσι για τώρα, εξ ονόματος της οικογένειας και εγώ, όλοι σας αγαπούν και θέλουν στη ζωή μας.

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