Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Our emotional roller coaster

A fellow blogger reminded me of the emotional roller coaster people affected by adoption is riding. The one minute we are high on life - we feel invincible and ready for anything the world can throw at us. The next we are at the edge of a black hole, we are insecure, and in desperate need of someone to let us know we are loved.

Over the past year... still cannot believe it is just over a year since my trip to Greece and my journey started in roller coaster has been at its most extreme.

Having "access" to you has been a blessing and a curse - not everyone in our situation is that lucky. The good thing is also that if you know about me.... you have "access" to me and the family.

Also finding other people in our situation has been is great to know that you are not alone - there are other people who experiences similar emotions to your own.

I personally have euphoric moments when I think you know about me and even is in contact with Cousin 1 - just waiting for the right moment to make contact. The next moment, I'm totally insecure... I keep wondering if I have done anything wrong, why haven't so and so spoken to me for a while, does anyone love me etc.

Luckily, I have really good friends who try to support me the best they can, my "adoption friends" how understands what I'm going through and not forgetting the family.

Over the past couple of days, Little Brother and I have had a couple long conversations and I think I have persuaded him to come to Greece with me. He actually pulled me back from my latest black hole.

That would be nice if Little Brother comes with me to Greece, because if we made contact I will have someone there supporting me (selfish I know), but if it went wrong...

But for now, I'm looking forward to go up north and to spend a weekend with Little Brother next month.

Saturday, 13 February 2010

It's unfair it still hurts so much!

Today, had a lovely day out with my friends - celebrating the wedding anniversary of two of them.

The problem is that it made me think of Ray - and damn I miss him so much. Could be that Valentines Day is coming up and one of my favourite memories of him is our first Valentine's Day.

Since I never can understand the whole thing about Valentine's Day (haven't ever had a Valentine's card). So jokingly, I told him that if he didn't bring me something, he could forget about coming home. So what does he do - he comes home with a bottle of champagne, wine and a red rose between his teeth.

He was good with stuff like that, he was really a romantic at heart. He would do "silly" stuff for me, like bring me breakfast in bed, run me a bath, cook me dinner and other little thing. I know that he was not perfect but I loved him for all those little thing.

Remembering all off this had me in tear on the way home tonight... I was sitting on the train with tears running down my cheeks.

So Radouane, I miss you so much and will always love you xx

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