My life is a lovely cake, to have a partner is the icing on the cake, but I do find icing sickly if I have too much of it

I have been quite on here lately, I had other stuff going on in my life... not adoption related.  Although, adoption affects me a lot... there is another thing which profoundly affected my life, that is the loss of the love of my life, Radouane.

Maybe it is because it is spring and love is supposed to be in the air, I seem to have become an agony aunt to a few people and they come to me for relationship advice... I keep telling them that I'm not the right person to ask, after all I have been single since Radouane died.  They often seem to want to settle for someone for right now, rather than waiting for the right one.  When I tell them this, they ask ever present questions... Don't you want new partner? Wouldn't you be happier with someone to share you life with?  My answers to those questions are.. If I met the right guy and I do not know.

Sometimes, I get accused of being too picky when it comes to men... what is wrong with having expectations?  If I was to meet someone new, I would expect it to be someone who would respect me and respect that there are two men who holds a special place in my heart (especially as I have a tattoo stating this fact) and someone who I would connect intellectuality with... it is not like I have "given up" on love... I always say that you never know what is a round the corner.

Chatting to a lovely elderly customer, Mrs S. the other week confirmed something I firmly believe in... to have a partner should enhance your life but should not define your life.   I even have a little mantra "My life is a lovely cake, to have a partner is the icing on the cake, but I do find icing sickly if I have too much of it". 

My conversation with Mrs S. started with me jokingly saying something along "you never know, you might find you self a lovely toy-boy this weekend"... after all she is only in her late seventies with a spring in her step and a twinkle in her eyes.  Mrs S. replied with a sad smile and said that she lost her soul mate five years ago and when I said I lost mine 17 years ago, she asked if it ever gets easier I had to say "No, but you learn to live with it".  

We then started to chat about our respective soul mates.  So there we was, nearly two generations apart and realising that our husbands were cut out of the same cloth... the little things they did for us, they way they encouraged us - in general, our relationships with our husbands were built on the same foundations of love, respect and trust.

I told her how annoying it is when friends (not my true friends) and family tells you that you will need to find a new partner... how they says it would be good for you and make you more happy.  Believe it or not... Mrs  S. has the same problem.  It is like some people think Mrs S. and I cannot be happy unless we have a new partner that our life.

Mrs S. then said something which resonated with me.... people around us will never understand the way we felt about our husbands... because, no matter if our friends have been in their relationship for two weeks or 60 years, they will never have the same relationship as we had unless they were lucky like us... and found their true soul mate... so if we are picky about potential new partners, it is because we have already experienced the best person for us.

OK, I know people how are in a happy and loving relationship... it is just that from what they tell me... they are missing that little extra thing Mrs S. and I had with our husbands.  Or maybe, you have to have lost your partner to realise that what you had was something so special that nothing can ever touch it again.

So, I have decided to remain "picky" when it comes to men... if, there is another guy out there for me... it will happen when it happens... I'm not going to settle for anyone just to have a new man in my life, my life is fine without one for the moment.  My happiness is not depended on having a man in my life...I'm happy within myself no matter what life have thrown at me... everything else is a bonus.

A New Day

I have felt down over the past couple of days and then I found this poem and it gave me hope

A New Day

By Alex Moskios

Yesterday it hurt so much that I could scream,

Rolled up in bed in pain and despair,

But today, by the living gods, I can hold my own,

For time – that great healer – has worked her wares,

And hope springs eternal, as the poet once put it

Yesterday the world seemed to be coming to its ending,

Myriad kisses lost on lips that lacked the sense of taste,

And every earthly beauty a fallen shire

On broken hearts and empty heads like mine.

Yesterday it would have been improper to be wise,

For cupid, that winged god, was sadden and despaired,

But today, by the great gods, a new shun shines,

And the morrow holds new joys for our hearts and minds.

Under pressure...

I have been reading a lot of blog posts lately about feeling under pressure when deciding when agreeing to  the adoption.  A lot of the stuff I have been reading has been about us natural/birth mothers is pressured into agreeing to the adoption.  As I said before, I was not...I had already made the decision... damn it was the hardest thing I have ever decided.  The decision to place you for adoption was made even before I decided you should stay in Greece. The closed I felt under pressure was Nikos telling me that I should not sign the papers think about it more.

If I was the person I am today, I would have listen to Nikos, but I was not the person I am today, my  back then shaped us both and neither of us would be HOW WE ARE TODAY.  When you was born,  I though placing you for adoption was the best for you and it would give you the best start in life.   Because I loved you so much, I did what I believed in my heart was the right thing for you.

The "funny" thing I feel under more pressure now... I feel pressured into contacting you... it is not that I do not want to (that is the the only thing on my mind for the moment) but I trying to be sensible.  I'm even feel pressured into have certain feelings at the moment.

I have to consider a few realities first.

1. You might not even know you are adopted... so if you do not know, I have to consider how you would react to being told your life has been a lie.
2. You are coming up to a exam period and you still have a year left at school... I don't want to disrupt your schooling in anyway, so if I have to wait a year before contacting you so be it.
3. I have to respect the fact that you might know about me and do not want to get to know me.
4. and about six million scenarios , emotions etc you might feel

In a way it is very funny that the more I read other birth mother's blogs (and sorry ladies, I'm a proud birth mother) and listing to my friends "advice" I feel more an under pressure and an outsider now than I ever did before I decided to embrace the fact that I am a BIRTH MUM.


So to my fellow birth mothers, and my so-called friends, I'm considering my son's emotions before my own, so if that makes be a bad birth mother so be it.. the only person feelings that matters for me is his.... and I have accepted the fact that I might never have a reunion, it might be a bad reunion.  SO I'M NOT RUSHING INTO MAKING CONTACT WITH YOU BEFORE THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR US.  The main person I considering in all of this is you...Ib'ni

Religion - the bane of the world

One of my adoption friends posted link to the following article at the New York Times and yet again I'm finding myself defending Islam.. and not being a Muslim I find it slightly amusing.

The thing is... being married into a Muslim family and being one of the few people I know how have read the Torah, Bible and Quran as Books... please note the emphasise on being books.  I have a come to a simple conclusion that in essence they are all the same part of a trilogy.  They actually follow on from each other so the Torah is book 1, the Bible book 2 and the Quran book 3.

But what I have learnt from the Books is that us gals aint that bad.. we are after all, aside from God (or whatever you call him/her) the only sex that can give life and from what I have learnt from the family is that us women folk is revered, we are not second class citizens.

The thing is, all this crap in the world that is being blamed on religion actually has nothing to do with the religions or the religious teaching of the Books.  They have to do with the traditions of different cultures.

For one - the wearing of the Hijab - Muslim women do not have to wear it unless they want to.  It is the same to them as a Catholic lady wearing a mantilla or a Jewish Orthodox woman wearing a wig, it is their choice.  Fair enough, personally I do not agree with the wearing of the full burka, then again, when I meet people I do like to see their eyes - I like looking into a person's eye when meeting someone, but as long as the person in question is given the choice, who am I to question their choice.

Since a lot of my belief structure is based on stuff I read about 20 years ago, I should really sit down and read the Books again.  However, I know that I'm smart enough to not tarnish a religion with the conduct of some people.

To say that Islam is an evil religion, because what a group of villagers in Bangladesh has done to a young girls, would be the same as me say that all Jews are evil, because I disagree with Israel politics or that all Catholics are child molesters because a few priest has been proven to be child abusers.

So my plea to everyone is please, please educate yourself before you start saying that a religion is evil, bad or oppressing.  What the villagers from Bangladesh needs is for you to educate them and not to condemn them. Once upon a time, it was us "educated"people who had to rely on our priests telling us what was in the Bible because we couldn't read what was in it... it is only now we can pick up the all three Books and question what's in them because we have been educated.


 

What creep... how can he call himself a man

This post has nothing about adoption but I need to get this off my chest.

Many years ago I met a young lady who at the time had two beautiful daughter and we became very good friend.  One of her daughters is ill and according to the doctors she should not be alive today... but that kid is now a beautiful young lady and remains always a true inspiration.

To cut a long story short, I moved away from the area where we lived and the mother had got herself a new boyfriend... and I didn't like him and thought he was a nasty piece of work, so I was an idiot and sort of let our friendship fizzle out.  Then over a decade later we get back in touch on one of the social networking sites and our friendship was rekindle.

It turns out that I was right about that boyfriend... OK, he gave my friend two more beautiful kids and these kids are a credit to her and her alone (all her kids are) and fair enough, I do not know his "side" of the story about their breakup etc.

For me that does not matter, I think any outsider would agree with me... how can a man... a father.. insist that the house his children lives must be sold and force their mother and them to move out.  Bear in mind that the mother is a full time carer for the ill daughter and his two children is under 12 years old.  

The proceed to hold up the equity in the property, so my friend cannot use the her share of the equity to purchase a decent property for herself and the kids.   Part of the money to buy the property in question came from her selling her previous house.

 Now he is taking his children's mother to court claiming she owes him money??  Whilst all of this goes on... he does not even pay child support for his kids and has not done of ages.

He is still trying to bully her and saying stuff like she is not entitle to certain benefits if she does this or this, as a full time care and mother of two young kids she cannot work and have to rely on the state to live, 

They have a court case coming up and he and his family (who is actually fairly well off) is going after her with their "big guns", she will be there by her lonesome.  They even said something along the lines that it is unfair that they have to pay for lawyers whilst her lawyers are being paid for by the public purse.   HELLO...if he was not taking her to court and he was paying for this kids they wouldn't have any court cost would they????     

From what my friend tells me he spent a decade trying to break her spirit and nearly succeeded... so she went from a strong fighter who would take on doctor after doctor on behalf of her young daughter to a person feeling totally insecure about herself.

What really got my goat today was he told my friend's ill daughter she would die during one of her surgeries and she was made to feel that she was a burden on the family.   How can anyone say something like that to a young teenager knowing what she has gone through in her life.

As I said, I don't know all the ins and outs of this story but I know real men... you know the type, who would walk away from a bad relationship with only the clothes on their back and rather starve than seeing their kids go without, do not emotionally and physically abuse their partners and/or kids.

What I cannot understand that how can a grown man do that to his family and still call himself a man... in my mind he is only a creep... 

The good news is that my friend is getting her strength back and his bullying tactics are now failing... she has loads of emotional support around her and no matter what happens during the case she will come out on top.




  

Mothers

Just finished a long chat with my flatmate... about mothers... and it I'm wondering what type of relationship you have with your (adoptive) mother... I just hope it is a great one.

No matter what I love my mothers... in one way I'm very lucky... I had three mothers who are all very diffrent and I love them all in different ways.

My biological mum - who are I supposed classed as my proper mum - I do love her to bits but as I have said I just don't think we "gelled" - it happens sometimes and cannot be helped - I have said it before it is not her fault it was just not meant to be.

Mana - in the short time I knew her - she was my guiding light and thought me about life - both good and bad - she held my hand through some great times and some really bad - but was always there for me no matter what and would always try to guide me without being judgmental.

Yuma - what can I say - my true mum - who thought me how to cook, who guided me through womanhood - and the mum I'm missing the most - I know you and Radouane is keeping a close eye on me and making sure my path always true.. أمي ، اشتقت لك والحب لك من كل قلبي

So, despite what I would like to be... I just hope you love your (adoptive) mum as much as I do love each of my mums - I will of course always hope that I can share you with your "proper" mum but only time will tell on this one.

Love you kiddo xxxx

Adoption Awareness Month

November is the National Adoption Awareness Month. .. it has got me thinking.... as I have said before - me and thinking is always a bad combination.

A lot of my fellow birth mother's blogs mentions they were "forced" into (using my least favorite word again) relinquish their child. I am racking my brain and trying to figure out if I ever was "forced" into placing you for adoption - and again, in my case it was definitely the opposite - my friends tried to get me to keep you.   I have never been one for believing in astrology etc - although I'm apparently very good a reading Tarot Cards - the older I get the more I can see I'm a Libra - I can always see both side of an argument - getting sidetracked here.  But I knew that my circumstance at the time made placing you for adoption was the right thing... for us.  I cannot speak for anyone else.

However, that this does not mean that I don't feel the hurt and pain not having you in my life.... a fellow blogger put this so eloquently in their posting "We Bleed Too" , everyday without you hurts.

So, because it is National Awareness month I have done something silly - for me at least - found a site that does "physic reading".  The questions I asked where:

• Does he (you) know about me? the answer was Yes, Yes, Yes
• Does he (you) want to get to know me? the answer was Definitely Yes
• Does he (you) know how I am?  the answer was Absolutely Yes
• Will we have contact this year? the answer was Nope
• What about next year? the answer was Of Course Yes

So not sure if this is wishful thinking coinciding with National Adoption Awareness month, but it gives me some hope for the future.  Anyways, enough ramblings for tonight. 

Traits and quirks

On one of the forums I'm following the issue of traits and quirks was raised... mostly by adopted people but it got me wondering?

I know that a lot of my traits and quirks are identical to an adopted child.... I have major issues about being rejected, I feel the need to please other people and there are a loads more... if I hadn't know any better I would have thought I might have been adopted myself - I know of course that is not an issue - it is funny that I have the same issues as an adopted child. So, I started thinking - a very dangerous prospect I know, lol. But do all us affected by adoption have similar character traits? Actually, do you have some of these traits?

I know from the videos I found of you and from comments from some of my friends, that we do have some things in common... a tilt of the head, the way we smile (apparently). There is two major things for me... on the videos you keep doing a particular thing which I always do and our handwriting is identical, but do we have more in common. Yes, we like the same music, movies and books - the big question is do you have any of my personality - or are you anything like you father.

I'm still trying to remember why I liked your dad in the first place and it always come back to the same... I was never in love with him... he was cute and fairly nice, initially - nothing more - sorry, then again I was only 20 years old and what did I know about life then.

So when I imagining the prospect of meeting you I can only ever see myself in you, I never considered that you might have the traits of your biological father - your adopted father was always the only father I can imagine influencing you.

It is only over the past year I have considered your biological father and if you do have any of his personality? Don't get me wrong if you had all his personality, it would not make me love you less and I might not ever given him a chance to prove himself. Just know that you will always be loved whatever quirks and traits you might have, we all love you

OK, I have been quite for a while

It has been loads of thing happening lately.... which is partly why I haven't posted for a while.

Since I last posted, I spent some time with the family... even got to met your Cousin's 2 & 3 and as always it it lovely to see your Cousin's 1 & 4. It was funny, your cousin 3 asked about you and your BF - I had to admit that your BF was a bit of a mistake... not that you was ever one, I just wish that your BF had been Ray - how different life would have been then!

Anyway, for a while (actually for the past 20 odd years) I have been thinking about getting a tattoo and have finally decided to bite the bullet and getting myself inked. So Ray and your names are being immortalised on my body. Cannot believe I'm going to do it and some folks thinks its silly... then again it is something which means a load to me - after much deliberation I'm going for the my favourite version of your name... not sure if it is the version you prefer, I just hope you one day get to appreciate it.

I also think I got some great news from my friend in Greece... she just gave me the impression that when you reach a certain age I can contact you. That has just taken a massive weight off my shoulders. As I said to her, if you don't want to have contact with me (I would be disappointed of course) it will be your choice... it is all about your right to choose to have contact or not. Here's to hoping XD

It has been awhile

Just realised I haven't written anything for nearly two months... I'm bad - but my excuse is that the World Cup have been on. Too bad Greece and Algeria didn't get through the group stages and the less said about England's performance, the better!

The good news it that you and Cousin 1 have had some more interaction on FB - OK it was just a few comments but better than nothing. I'm still wondering if you know he is your cousin or if you just think he is a random friend.

I'm going up North again soon and I get to see your Cousin 2 & 3 this time... was telling Cousin 2 that the last time I saw him he was in diapers. Should have much more to write when I'm back from there.

"Normal" service resumes

The other week I was feeling absolutely shit.. now two weeks later I'm "back to normal".

I knew when I wrote my last post that I was being paranoid and what I was feeling wasn't reality. As soon as I had posted the entry for that day, I chatted to both your Cousin 1 & 2, they both cheered me up. I was also surprised of how many people who came up and told me that they loved and cared about me. That is what you get for feeling sorry for yourself.

I even got an email from a fellow runner... sent him and quick message back but still haven't heard anything...but that's life. Also, Big Brother and his wife has started to call me on a regular basis and I even spoke to Weird Brother today.

Weird Brother told me Baba was with Little Sister so I will have to call them tomorrow... I was hoping he would go there, so that is great news and hopefully that will mean that I get to see him more often.

Just finished having a long chat online with an old mate and I'm hoping to catch up with him next weekend... I haven't seen him for a while but hopefully we will be back to "our old selves" and nothing will have changed in our friendship - online we are the same.

OK this post is going to be a bit of a ramble... but as I said normal service has resumed.

The current situation in Greece quite extraordinary, but every time there are something on the news, I'm glued to the screen looking out for you. The thought of you demonstrating against the austerity measures, fills me with pride - because I know there are more to those demonstrations than the rest of Europe sees. Just the thought of you standing up and fighting for what you believe in is great and I sort of hope that you are there on the front-line - at the same time I want you to be careful and not come to any harm of course.

So just know your mum is very proud of you and loves you loads xx

I'm feeling like shit

I don't know why...but for the moment I feel like shit.. I feel like no one cares about me. I know that is not true but sometimes if I don't hear someone say they love me, I feel like shit...

Of course I know that is not true... I know I have people who loves me and cares about me... the problem is (psychoanalysing this) I cannot remember ever being told as a child I was loved - I probably was, just can't remember it.

Something in my childhood must have affected me, because if I don't hear someone tell me that I'm loved, I have a "down" day. That's also when my façade comes up - it is one my traits I hope you have not inherited. I'm so used to being "let down" that when someone tells me they love me and I don't speak to them when I want I feel like it, I feel let down. When this happens my "game" face comes on... hence the previous post about being the clown who hides behind their painted smile.

When it comes to you... I do remember that your feeling comes into it... it is just with the rest of the people in my life - I forget. I just have to remember that their feeling are as important as mine.

OK - so it's official I'm being selfish... but I'm allowed to feel shit once in a while - as long as I remember it is not all about me.

Grief is like the Tears Of A Clown

With losing Uma this week, I had forgotten how some people react when you lose someone, a lot of people are worried about what they say to you.

When I lost Radouane, my old boss told to me that the best thing he could do for me, was to go on as normal. He knew that one day I would break down and when that happened he would understand. Those were wise words and I have lived by them since.

When someone around me have lost someone - I will always avoid using words like "I'm sorry" or "My Condolences", because I find them insincere, I also remember I got angry when someone said it to me. I end up saying something like: "I'm here if you need to talk or just to come and scream at someone". It sounds a bit cold but what else can you say. Someone telling me "I'm so sorry" made me want to shout: "NO YOU ARE NOT YOU ARE HAPPY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU". Grief cannot described, it has to be experienced to understand.

I'm one of those people whom always seems to be smiling on the outside - the calm, collected one others come to when they need help - it is so far from the truth. That got me thinking of a poem I liked when I was your age, it had had a line in it that went something like this "behind the painted smile, no one can see the tears of the clown". Because the line sums up the way I'm feeling, I wanted to find the poem again. I could't find it but found this poem instead...

You don't see the pain I bear
I hide my sorrows well
Seeming happy on the outside
While the inside hurts like hell

I make a joke, I make you laugh
You really have no clue
You think you know me very well
Have I got news for you

I only let you see enough
To think you know my life
Never will you see the true me
Only I can know my strife

No one else can know my heart
I've hidden it away
I've covered it with make-up
Made of jokes and laughters sway

You'll never see how much it bleeds
How much it's torn apart
You can not know the damage there
Deep inside my heart

I always hide myself away
No one can see a frown
You'll only see the happy face
Never see the tears of this clown.

I would like to thank the author... whoever they might be.

She is gone!

This morning we got the news we dreaded over the weekend - Uma has passed on.

Last night I got this lovely image in my head that Radouane was there at her bedside holding her hand and telling her it was time to come. I also know that he would have told her how much we all loved her.

As they say: Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raajioon

Uma, I love you and thank you so much for being my mum xxx

Our emotional roller coaster

A fellow blogger reminded me of the emotional roller coaster people affected by adoption is riding. The one minute we are high on life - we feel invincible and ready for anything the world can throw at us. The next we are at the edge of a black hole, we are insecure, and in desperate need of someone to let us know we are loved.

Over the past year... still cannot believe it is just over a year since my trip to Greece and my journey started in earnest...my roller coaster has been at its most extreme.

Having "access" to you has been a blessing and a curse - not everyone in our situation is that lucky. The good thing is also that if you know about me.... you have "access" to me and the family.

Also finding other people in our situation has been helpful...it is great to know that you are not alone - there are other people who experiences similar emotions to your own.

I personally have euphoric moments when I think you know about me and even is in contact with Cousin 1 - just waiting for the right moment to make contact. The next moment, I'm totally insecure... I keep wondering if I have done anything wrong, why haven't so and so spoken to me for a while, does anyone love me etc.

Luckily, I have really good friends who try to support me the best they can, my "adoption friends" how understands what I'm going through and not forgetting the family.

Over the past couple of days, Little Brother and I have had a couple long conversations and I think I have persuaded him to come to Greece with me. He actually pulled me back from my latest black hole.

That would be nice if Little Brother comes with me to Greece, because if we made contact I will have someone there supporting me (selfish I know), but if it went wrong...

But for now, I'm looking forward to go up north and to spend a weekend with Little Brother next month.

January Blues

January is normally a bad month for me... (together with August they are my two "blue" months). I'm not depressed as such - I just tend to burst into tears easily, anything can set me off, but it's something I have learned to live with.

So to cheer myself up, I was looking through some of poems and quotes from our favourite poet and came across this little gem:

"Pain is strange. A cat killing a bird, a car accident, a fire.... Pain arrives, BANG, and there it is, it sits on you. It's real. And to anybody watching, you look foolish. Like you've suddenly become an idiot. There's no cure for it unless you know somebody who understands how you feel, and knows how to help."

It is so true - how can anyone understand what you are going through unless they have been through it too.

So, when the time comes - I hope you have someone there for you, who will understand and know how to help you.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

A friend of mine pointed me in the direction of this poem... I have to admit it is very fitting and I hope you one day will agree with these words.

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other;
One you do not remember,
The other you call "Mother."
Two different lives
Shaped to make you one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.

The first one gave you life,
And the second taught you to live it;
The first gave you a need for love,
The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name;
One gave you talent,
The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears;
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home
That she could not provide;
The other prayed for a child
And her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me
Through your tears ...
The age old question,
Unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment ...
Which are you a product of?
Neither ... my darling ... neither,
Just two different kinds of love!

So to however wrote this poem... thank you for putting my feelings down in words.

What's normal?

I cannot believe the BBC News 24 allowed the mother of a 21-year old Down Syndrome lad to spend 5 minutes telling the world that if he can't get laid she will get him a hooker, all because she want him to be treated like a normal 21-year old . HELLO - a normal 21 year old would not be dragged into a newsroom by his mum to tell the world that you are a virgin. For me that is not normal, but then again, for me deciding to give my son up for adoption rather abort him is normal. Who is normal, you decide!

Why...

Woke up really early today, on my day off as per usual and it made me think! Yes, I do sometimes use my little grey cells.

But how come when I can have sleep-in I wake up early?

And, when I'm looking for something I cannot find it and when I not its rigth in front of me?