Thursday, 21 April 2011

Under pressure...

I have been reading a lot of blog posts lately about feeling under pressure when deciding when agreeing to  the adoption.  A lot of the stuff I have been reading has been about us natural/birth mothers is pressured into agreeing to the adoption.  As I said before, I was not...I had already made the decision... damn it was the hardest thing I have ever decided.  The decision to place you for adoption was made even before I decided you should stay in Greece. The closed I felt under pressure was Nikos telling me that I should not sign the papers think about it more.

If I was the person I am today, I would have listen to Nikos, but I was not the person I am today, my  back then shaped us both and neither of us would be HOW WE ARE TODAY.  When you was born,  I though placing you for adoption was the best for you and it would give you the best start in life.   Because I loved you so much, I did what I believed in my heart was the right thing for you.

The "funny" thing I feel under more pressure now... I feel pressured into contacting you... it is not that I do not want to (that is the the only thing on my mind for the moment) but I trying to be sensible.  I'm even feel pressured into have certain feelings at the moment.

I have to consider a few realities first.

  1. You might not even know you are adopted... so if you do not know, I have to consider how you would react to being told your life has been a lie.
  2. You are coming up to a exam period and you still have a year left at school... I don't want to disrupt your schooling in anyway, so if I have to wait a year before contacting you so be it.
  3. I have to respect the fact that you might know about me and do not want to get to know me.
  4. and about six million scenarios , emotions etc you might feel
In a way it is very funny that the more I read other birth mother's blogs (and sorry ladies, I'm a proud birth mother) and listing to my friends "advice" I feel more an under pressure and an outsider now than I ever did before I decided to embrace the fact that I am a BIRTH MUM.

So to my fellow birth mothers, and my so-called friends, I'm considering my son's emotions before my own, so if that makes be a bad birth mother so be it.. the only person feelings that matters for me is his.... and I have accepted the fact that I might never have a reunion, it might be a bad reunion.  SO I'M NOT RUSHING INTO MAKING CONTACT WITH YOU BEFORE THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR US.  The main person I considering in all of this is you...Ib'ni

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