Monday, 25 April 2011

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Middle brother's wife and I was chatting today on Skype and she made lovely comment about how Radouane would have been proud of me these days.  She always keeps telling me how lucky we were having him and that we were such a fantastic loving couple.

The problem is that I have, is despite constantly being told by all the Family (including extended), that the two of us were special and they aspired to our love, it has been so long since he died, I sometimes feel that my memories of him are wishful thinking and told her so.

Then my darling sister-in-law tells me that Middle Brother told her that Radouane had only eyes for me and was madly in love with me.  Just hearing that had me in tears...but made me realise that yes my memories of him are true and he and I were true soulmates.

I cannot believe that I was so lucky in finding him and that even if we only had a few years together, so to quote Lord Alfred Tennyson : "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved all"

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Under pressure...

I have been reading a lot of blog posts lately about feeling under pressure when deciding when agreeing to  the adoption.  A lot of the stuff I have been reading has been about us natural/birth mothers is pressured into agreeing to the adoption.  As I said before, I was not...I had already made the decision... damn it was the hardest thing I have ever decided.  The decision to place you for adoption was made even before I decided you should stay in Greece. The closed I felt under pressure was Nikos telling me that I should not sign the papers think about it more.

If I was the person I am today, I would have listen to Nikos, but I was not the person I am today, my  back then shaped us both and neither of us would be HOW WE ARE TODAY.  When you was born,  I though placing you for adoption was the best for you and it would give you the best start in life.   Because I loved you so much, I did what I believed in my heart was the right thing for you.

The "funny" thing I feel under more pressure now... I feel pressured into contacting you... it is not that I do not want to (that is the the only thing on my mind for the moment) but I trying to be sensible.  I'm even feel pressured into have certain feelings at the moment.

I have to consider a few realities first.

  1. You might not even know you are adopted... so if you do not know, I have to consider how you would react to being told your life has been a lie.
  2. You are coming up to a exam period and you still have a year left at school... I don't want to disrupt your schooling in anyway, so if I have to wait a year before contacting you so be it.
  3. I have to respect the fact that you might know about me and do not want to get to know me.
  4. and about six million scenarios , emotions etc you might feel
In a way it is very funny that the more I read other birth mother's blogs (and sorry ladies, I'm a proud birth mother) and listing to my friends "advice" I feel more an under pressure and an outsider now than I ever did before I decided to embrace the fact that I am a BIRTH MUM.

So to my fellow birth mothers, and my so-called friends, I'm considering my son's emotions before my own, so if that makes be a bad birth mother so be it.. the only person feelings that matters for me is his.... and I have accepted the fact that I might never have a reunion, it might be a bad reunion.  SO I'M NOT RUSHING INTO MAKING CONTACT WITH YOU BEFORE THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR US.  The main person I considering in all of this is you...Ib'ni

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