Monday, 27 April 2009

Trying not to get my hopes up!!!

A friend of me told me today that I should not get my hopes up when it comes to you. I know he's right, but I'm not sure if he knows me well enough!!

I'm one of these people who needs to daydream of what should happen, it is my way of not getting down in the dumps. You see, when I run through a fantasy scenario in my head I sort of switch off and avoid thinking the worst!! Do you do the same??

Went on you profile again (sorry I'm checking up on you every day - but for the moment its my only connection to you), you have posted your favorites of bands, albums etc. When I originally came across you profile I said to my flatmate that it would be so funny if you like a particular band as one of their tracks were sort of my theme tune when I live in Athens, every time I came into Paradise Bar at Lisson the DJ would play this particular song and guess what - it is one of the track on on of your favorite albums. You also like a band I discovered when I was your age.

It is hard not to get my hope up as you come across so similar to me, as I said before I wish it was a way I could get you to read this blog, as I think you might understand me better.

But then again, I have to remember that I was not the one who raised you - although you seem to prove that it is nature rather than nurture that shapes you, I might be wrong. For all I know you might have been told about me and don't want to have anything to do with me.

I still cannot believe some of the coincidence which has shown up between us, one of the quizzes you did likens you to the brand of cigarettes I smokes when I was pregnant with you (sorry about that but I did cut down from about 40 a day to about 5 for you).

We like similar music, similar movies and you following a similar path to me when it come to your education. So I can't help thinking if you might have some to the same personality traits as me - i.e. do you come across at this easy going person but underneath it all you keep a lot to yourself? Then again, as you look like the spitting image of your uncle (different hair colour though) I sometimes wonder if you are anything like him - don't get me wrong that would be a fantastic thing, as you will then been a total charmer who is like by all. You do seem to be a bit of a ladies man, that could be from your father but I would prefer that you have your uncle's charm rather than your father's....

Another thing I am wondering about if whether you are a bit of a night owl, as I'm - if you ever get to read this blog you will realise that most of these posts are from the late evening/night.

So for the moment, I prefer to disappear into my land of fantasy where I can try to guess what would happen when we meet (I will keep thinking that it will happen - whether it is wishful thinking or my gut instinct I am not sure)

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Still trying to decide what to do!!

I can only assume that your (adoptive) father is not going to send me any information about you nor is it likely he will ever tell you that you were adopted. So my hope is that your (adoptive) mother has more sense and tell you at some stage.

For now I at least can "keep up" and get to know your through your social network profile. I know that you are you back at your campus today and that you are looking forward to it.

A funny thing with us is that when I was your age I too went to live a school (not the same as you my school was more of a gap year thing) as far as possible away from where I grew up. But if I have read you profile right you are studying public relations which is actually the route I was considering at you age, I was studying marketing - you see we are not that different. I also get the sense that you know something is up - but that might be wishful thinking on my part.

Since finding your profile and seen your picture (I have been sad and put your picture as a wallpaper on my phone and on the shop's desktop), I cannot stop showing you off. If you ever came to the shop were I work you would be recognised. But everyone says how handsome you are and that you look like me. Please put some more pictures on there!

Yesterday, I found out that if I contacted you directly I would not be breaking any laws nor would I get the person who got me your details in trouble - I don't want to take that risk yet - as I cannot be sure how you will react.

My current plan is somewhat more high risk - rather than going to Athens for my 40th birthday, I will go to the town where your campus is (if you are still there). As long as I can see you in person I would be ever so happy, but I am still not sure if I could approach you - hopefully if I did see you, you would "recognise" me and you be able to make the initial approach. This is probably not going to happen but who know it might. But I have a feeling that if you see me you will realise we are at least related.

I am still considering if I should put something in here that I know you might google so you can stumble across this blog. I should probably put a picture on my Greek social network account, but I prefer to keep it as low key as possible (just so I can keep a "eye" on you that way).

But I just have this feeling that this year is the year for us to make contact - but I don't want it to go "wrong" in any way, shape or form.

I just hope that you will not hate me if we make contact and that you will want to have me in your life

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Spoke to you dad last night

I just knew I'm to impatient, but I could wait any longer so I called your (adoptive) dad yesterday, (it was a bit later than I thought so if he reads this I'm sorry).

But then again if I had not called him I don't think he would even have bothered to write back to me. I got the impression that you have not been told that you are adopted, because I was told by him not to contact any of you again. The problem is that had he sent me a quick note saying that they had not told you and here's some pictures of you, I would have been happy to have let it be, until you was ready to find out about me. He did promise to write to me with some pictures of you and I just hope he will keep his promise.

This morning I was thinking maybe I should write to him as ask him to check out my blog, but then again, this is for you rather than him, so I will not give him details of this blog, if he finds it he finds it.

After he told me to get lost yesterday, I sent hours in tears and when they subsided I was furious (I still am), but I can understand his position, but in my letter I did say that I did not want to interfere in his (and your mum's) relationship with you. It has never been my intention to "take" their place. I just hope that your father one day realise that because I decided not to hold you in my arms after you was born, I was able to place you with them - had I held you there is no way I would have ever been able to go through with the adoption. Then again, it would have been nice if he could have seen himself my postion, for over 18 years I have wondered how you look like, what you are like, what your hobbies and interests are, how you are doing in school etc.

Now I am wondering, (because from you online profile you are so similar to me) if you have questioned them about your parentage - I did from an early age but I wasn't even adopted. I'm also wondering how you will react when you realised you are adopted. Will you be angry with your (adoptive) parents and/or me or will you just take it in your stride and most importantly will you want to meet me.

Now I can only wait to see if you (adoptive) father keeps his promise and send me a letter and if and when he does, I can decided what to do then.

I am still going to Athens in September and I still would love to meet you - or at least see you in the flesh, even if it is from a distance. I will try to keep the promise I made to you (adoptive) father in my letter that I would not approach you without your (adoptive) parents knowledge and permission, but if I can keep that promise will depend if he keeps his promise to me.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Open letter to my son

Hi Son

I think its time to write this directly to you, even my whole blog is for you and is meant to be my letter to you. But I think I need to write this post as a specific letter to you.

I probably should have written this and included it in the letter I sent to your (adoptive) dad, but I find this way of writing to you easier.

One of the reasons behind my thinking I should address this as an open letter to you is something one of my flatmates said to day, he asked what would be my first words to you would be and my honest answer would be: "Oh, fuck". But as I know, having checked out your online profile (we are similar in so many ways), I think you might actually like my first words to you be those.

I have spent hours, days, months trying to justify to everyone around that placing you for adoption was the right thing to do, I know in my heart that it was and the only person who can say otherwise is you. I just hope that your (adoptive) parents were everything I hoped they where and that you are happy with them.

When I look at your online friends' list you seem to be in the type of crowd, I though you would be around but as I said in my posting yesterday, I am very proud of you what every you do - the main thing is that you make decisions which are right for you and no-one else.

I am still wondering if your (adoptive) parents have told you that you are adopted and I just hope that they have. If they have not and you find out another way, please do not hate them, they probably didn't tell you because they thought it would be the best for you. The only problem is that if they didn't tell you, I might end up telling you myself.

Now, I am fully aware that you might have no interest in knowing me, but for me, I would like you to give me a chance, if after meeting me, you want to tell me to fuck off, you are more than welcome to, it is your right. The only thing I want is for you to meet me, actually that is a lie, what I want is for you and me to have a good relationship but I know that that might not be possible!!!!

When I placed you for adoption it was partly for selfish reasons in that I was not ready for you then. I am ready for your now, but you have the right to feel cheated, as I was not around for your first 18 years. But look at you now. You have a good education, both academically and socially, you seam to have had a "normal" upbringing, whatever that is, a good social life and I hope that your parents (truly was ready for you) and loved you unconditionally.

In my mind I keep thinking how you would react to finding out about me and various way that has/could come about. My hope is that you know you where adopted and that you are just back in Athens from Northern Greece you have just been handed my letter (sorry if it was a bit clinical, but if you read it you will know that I was not certain what you had been told and that I did not say anything that would upset your parents). I was going to include this website address in my letter to them, but after a long deliberation with myself, I decided that this site should be intended for you. Should they find it, fine, but I would love to find a way to get you to read this blog now. Technically, I could post some personal details about you or your interests, so if you googled anything relevant this blog would show up on your search results, but as I said I would prefer that your (adoptive) parents have told you.

Another thing I keep thinking about is if we forge a relationship, what will you call me, by my name or another version of mother, for me I cannot be your mum (that is your adoptive mother, she is the one who has been your mum for the past 18 years, who has put plasters on scraped knees, sat with you when you were ill etc.) I secretly harbour a wish that you will call me Mana (just because she was my "mother") but I am not sure what you have called your proper mother so it might be a bit much.

I just hope it is not long before I can speak to you myself.

For now, I will and always remain your loving birth mother

Getting to "know" you!

Since I found your profile, I have spent hours going through it (sorry, I know I cyber-stalking you). But for the moment it is the best way to get to know you.

Having now really looked at your picture, I can see that you have my eyes and some other similarities. Although I think your good looks from your dad.

When you were born, I stupidity decided that I did not want hold you in my arms, I did this because I knew that you had a loving mother and father waiting for you, and I would not have let you go if I had. And after today, although I do regret not holding you, I know I made the right decision. As soon as I found your picture, it felt like I always thought I would feel with you had I kept you rather than placing you with your (adoptive) parents.

But as I said, reading your profile (and trying very hard not send you a friend request) I am getting to know you a bit, if you can from a online profile.

I do wonder if you are like me, a bit of a night owl for one? (As you probably can see from these blogs). In my case, it can have something to do with the 5+ coffee I drink each day. It does look like you are a bit of a caffeine addict yourself!

To my pleasant surprise you seem to be a strong independent and free spirited young man, and if you anything like you come across on your profile I am very proud of you. Don't get me wrong I think I would be proud of you in any case, but for the moment I only have this way to get to know you.

You had a thing on your profile relating to the Athens riots and I recall when they were on, that they reminded me of expecting you. At the time I lived in Platia Viktoria and on more than one occasion we were exposed to "anarchists" and tear gas. So this time around I was feeling home sick for Athens and was wondering if you was involved in anyway!! I was glued to the TV hoping I could see you (oddly enough your profile picture is the only time I have properly seen you).

I am hoping that you soon will like to meet me, but as I have said before I don't know if you even know if you are adopted, but I do hope that you have been told and that your (adoptive) parents is just waiting for you to come home from Uni before showing you my letter and you will want to contact me.

In the meanwhile, I just hope that your use your online profile a lot so I can keep an "eye" on you.

Monday, 13 April 2009

It is you!!!!

I did something naughty today, I set up another profile on the social networking site I thought I found you on, just so I could check out your profile. (As a side note I notice I direct these post directly to you now rather that talking about you in the third person).

It is too many coincidence that this is not you, even if your birth year is wrong, but I have a feeling this is a thing a lot of teenagers do.

Looking at the profile I am more and more certain that you are my son. I can see some resemblance in the picture, although the bad news is that I don't think you was conceived in Ios, which means that your dad must have been Ali (you are a Greek of Norwegian/Iranian decent, nice combination).

But it looks like we like similar things, I think we have similar tastes in movies, music and computer games. The only thing that concerns me is that it looks like you might be at university in Northern Greece, so you might not be around in September. I am still hoping that I will have a positive response to my letter to your (adoptive) dad. It might also have something to do with why I haven't heard anything back yet. Your profile also explain another thing I found online which I thought was you, when I show that to my flatmate she said she could see a similarity.

I hope that over the next few weeks in some sort of strange way you might realised that I want to get to know you and you post some more photo's of yourself.

In the meantime, I have to resist the temptation to make direct contact, as I am still not what you have been told. Just know that I want to meet you sooner rather than later and that I love you.

Have I found you???

Since I came back from Greece, I keep trying to find you online.
But as I don't even known what you look like it is a bit of guess work.

Then last night I came across a social network profile which might be you!
It is hard to see from the profile picture, nor I can access the profile to see if it matches your details. However, some of my friends think they can see a similarity between the picture and me.

I'm trying to get my hopes up but its hard, as it might be you...

Friday, 10 April 2009

Twice in one day

Can't believe this is my second posting today.

Today I having one of those days where the thing on my mind is you.

I wish Ray (my late husband), Lino, Nikos, Roger or Takis where around so so I could I could moan to either of them of how much I miss you (so Rog if you read this pls call me, my no is easy to find).

I'm so tempted to call the numbers I (have for your (adoptive) parents just so its a potential of me hearing your voice, sad ain't it.

Am I being unfair?

It is two weeks since I sent my letter to your (adopted) dad and I have not heard anything back, but I think I am being slightly unfair expecting a response this fast.

I would have assumed that the letter should have taken about a week to get there but then I had 18 years to write it so I do think I should give your (adopted) parents a few weeks to digest my letter. I know I technically do not have a right to expect a response, but I hope they are nice enough to write back to me - it would be lovely if they could send me some pictures of you. But then again, I don't know even if the address I have is the correct one.

When I was expecting you I was told that you would be told from an early age that you were adopted but that might have been to put my mind at ease rather than being a promise. So I am hoping that my letter arrived safely and that you are just mulling over whether you want to contact me.

In one way, I have been lucky over the past two weeks that there have been other things going on in my life, even if some of these things remind me that I am not this though cookie I like to think other people see me as. If they do, they should know that I have a very soft center and often in turmoil. I keep saying I should put my well-being first but until I know if you want me in you life I don't think I can. That why I think I being unfair!!

What scares me is (even if I said in my letter to your (adoptive) dad that I would not contact or approach you without their permission and knowledge) that if I don't heard anything from them or you, I can't rest before I have met you face to face at least once. I will need to hear it directly from you if you do not want to have contact with me. I hope that is not unfair.

Until then I just have to try to be patient and not let other things get on top of me.

Friday, 3 April 2009

Happy Days in Wapping

My first job in England was that the Prospect of Whitby in Wapping, East London and it was here I met the person I was eventually married. (However, my marriage did not last long - he died in a car accident in 1995). When I worked at the Prospect (it was in the days where some pubs shut at 3pm and reopened at 7pm), some of us found our self at another pub called the White Swan & Cuckoo when we worked split shifts. Other times we enjoyed Pimms & Lemonade at Shadwell basin.

However, after my husband died, and needing a new place to live, I ended up back in Wapping, and my new watering hole become the White Swan & Cuckoo. Some of the old faces from my days at the Prospect were still around but others became new friends.

We had some crazy times down there and it was always nice to see some familiar faces on Friday night after a hard week in the office. Eventually I moved away and lost touch with the folks from the Swan but when telling new friend about Wapping it was always two people who I remembered with found memories and I did actually class as good mates.

Last summer I took a trip down memory lane and went into both the Prospect and the Swan but none of the old faces were about. But it was 10 years since I was there last.

But it made me wonder about what happened to my old friends. So, just before I went to Greece, I searched through Facebook, as you do when bored, for Vanessa and Roger. When I came across Roger's profile pic and saw he hadn't changed a bit, I sent of an email to him and was pleased to be added to his friend list, then the other day Vanessa contacted me (I did poke her awhile back) and yesterday we all started to reminisce.

I just hadn't realised that, considering that it was soon after my husband died, that this was together with my time in Greece, was a truly happy time of my life. Don't get me wrong I am also happy now but I think that it was a different happy.

With a bit of luck the three of us will manage to get together again at the Swan soon and hopefully this time we will all stay in touch.

The past couple of days remembering the Swan, Vanessa and Roger has been great and taken my mind of my letter to Greece, which is very good!!

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