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Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Open letter to my son

Hi Son

I think its time to write this directly to you, even my whole blog is for you and is meant to be my letter to you. But I think I need to write this post as a specific letter to you.

I probably should have written this and included it in the letter I sent to your (adoptive) dad, but I find this way of writing to you easier.

One of the reasons behind my thinking I should address this as an open letter to you is something one of my flatmates said to day, he asked what would be my first words to you would be and my honest answer would be: "Oh, fuck". But as I know, having checked out your online profile (we are similar in so many ways), I think you might actually like my first words to you be those.

I have spent hours, days, months trying to justify to everyone around that placing you for adoption was the right thing to do, I know in my heart that it was and the only person who can say otherwise is you. I just hope that your (adoptive) parents were everything I hoped they where and that you are happy with them.

When I look at your online friends' list you seem to be in the type of crowd, I though you would be around but as I said in my posting yesterday, I am very proud of you what every you do - the main thing is that you make decisions which are right for you and no-one else.

I am still wondering if your (adoptive) parents have told you that you are adopted and I just hope that they have. If they have not and you find out another way, please do not hate them, they probably didn't tell you because they thought it would be the best for you. The only problem is that if they didn't tell you, I might end up telling you myself.

Now, I am fully aware that you might have no interest in knowing me, but for me, I would like you to give me a chance, if after meeting me, you want to tell me to fuck off, you are more than welcome to, it is your right. The only thing I want is for you to meet me, actually that is a lie, what I want is for you and me to have a good relationship but I know that that might not be possible!!!!

When I placed you for adoption it was partly for selfish reasons in that I was not ready for you then. I am ready for your now, but you have the right to feel cheated, as I was not around for your first 18 years. But look at you now. You have a good education, both academically and socially, you seam to have had a "normal" upbringing, whatever that is, a good social life and I hope that your parents (truly was ready for you) and loved you unconditionally.

In my mind I keep thinking how you would react to finding out about me and various way that has/could come about. My hope is that you know you where adopted and that you are just back in Athens from Northern Greece you have just been handed my letter (sorry if it was a bit clinical, but if you read it you will know that I was not certain what you had been told and that I did not say anything that would upset your parents). I was going to include this website address in my letter to them, but after a long deliberation with myself, I decided that this site should be intended for you. Should they find it, fine, but I would love to find a way to get you to read this blog now. Technically, I could post some personal details about you or your interests, so if you googled anything relevant this blog would show up on your search results, but as I said I would prefer that your (adoptive) parents have told you.

Another thing I keep thinking about is if we forge a relationship, what will you call me, by my name or another version of mother, for me I cannot be your mum (that is your adoptive mother, she is the one who has been your mum for the past 18 years, who has put plasters on scraped knees, sat with you when you were ill etc.) I secretly harbour a wish that you will call me Mana (just because she was my "mother") but I am not sure what you have called your proper mother so it might be a bit much.

I just hope it is not long before I can speak to you myself.

For now, I will and always remain your loving birth mother

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