My new tradition

Christmas is always hard for us birth-mothers....for me...shopping for gifts is a nightmare...I am in a shop and I see something and I think "would my son love this" or is "this something he needs".

Spending time with family is also a bummer....you look around the table and and think "my son should be here, he should pull a crackers with his cousin", there is a topic around the table and you think.."what would his opinion be?" 

This, year...I could not handle spending time with my family..I could not sitting around the table and missing a very important person...my child..my son..my heartbeat...this year I just wanted to reflect on what could have been..  Then it hit me...my Christmas table needs another setting...for now it will be empty but it still needs to be there...my son's setting at my Christmas table. 

So from now, unless the table I sit down at for Christmas has a seat for my son (with him in person or spirit) I cannot in good concious not able to join the festivities...I will no longer put on my mask of happiness and pretend that I'm happy with missing a big part of my life.  I much rather see that empty seat knowing that my family also miss my son...rather than sitting down pretending to be happy and miss something so important from my life.

For from now on...it will always be another setting at my Christmas table...until the day my son feels he can join my celebration...don't get me wrong, Christmas will still be celebrated...it is just that another setting will be at the table..my son will no longer be excluded from my Christmas Celebrations

Severance – The Culture and Narratives of Modern Adoption

Today, I went to see this art exhibition in London...I wanted to go and see some really raw emotions though art...ok on that point I was disappointed...great exhibition but not as raw emotions on display as I expecting. I got to chat to one of the organisers from http://www/theopennest.co.uk..and to tell you the truth I have never thought off adoption from her perspective...she is a amum who adopted an older child out of the system and has fought to have an open adoption with her child's birth family..and is fairly successful in this...The Open Nest is an organisation who is supporting adoptees and allows adoptees connect with other adoptees...what I hadn't realised was that they are adoptees from the foster care system...since I normally see adoption from my birth mother's perceptive and from the infant adoption side of adoption...I had never really thought of the affect adoption has on young people removed from abusive homes and put into the system. If you are in London the exhibition is at the Severance at The Gallery, 25 Hanbury Street, off Brick Lane...11am to 7pm and worth a quick look see.

Since getting more involved in the adoption community I have always admired supported adoption out of the foster care system and often stand on my soapbox supporting adoption from the system...without realising that these adoptees are the most damaged and need the most support.

I keep saying to my "real" life friends that I would love to be able to counsel people in adoption related issues and then realising that I only know my side of the story...so I have promised myself that 2014 will be the year I fully embraced adoption and have been pointed in the direction of a few organisation that I will share when I have checked them out

Adoption in Greece - only the adoptee can search for biological family

I'm now back from my trip to Greece and have to play the waiting game... Greek Law does not allow birth parents to search.  No matter how much I want to contact my son directly...I must try to remain within the constraints of Greek Law...OK, not living in Greece I could use the excuse that I didn't know...but as far as I know ignorance is not a defence in any country.

You see my hands are tied by the fact that as most of the European countries, Greece all adoptions are closed adoptions.  This means that my son is a full member of his adoptive family (Greek Law, Article 1561, Legal Law 2447/96).  He is allowed to learn from his adoptive parents about the adoption but any information about me could only be given to him after he turned 18 years old.

My son's rights under Greek Law Article 1559, Legal Law 2471/96, is that he has, after his coming of age, the right to be completely informed by his adoptive parents and from every qualified authority about the records of his biological parents.  It ONLY gives the adoptee the right to search, I as a birth mother cannot search (technically) nor can I contact with my son directly.

In my case, there are a little glimmer of hope..my son might know how I am and sitting on the fence as to whether or not to contact me.  Hence the picture beneath, it is my cover photo on FB and just simply states that Greek Law does not allow me to contact him...but that I want him to know how I am if he wants any medical information and answers to any questions he might have.

Still, I' very lucky...I know how he is...I been close enough to him to hug him...I have seen how beautiful (sorry handsome) he is...it gives me some peace...of course, until I one day can give him that hug and tell him how beautiful/handsome he is I will never get total peace.  If he does not want to have any relationship with me I can live with that...as long as he knows that I did do whatever I could to contact him.

Meanwhile, if I can encourage any Greek adoptee or adoptees of Greek origin to contact http://www.roots-research-center.gr to assist them in their search.  (Or indeed if any of you would like to donate to a worthwhile cause please do so).

Wow...so close yet so far.

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile..but a lot of stuff have been going on in my life what is not adopted related and to keep my sanity...I have sort of stayed away from adopted related stuff.

As some of you know my son was placed for adoption in Greece and since 2009 I have sort of a biannually taken a trip to Greece...oddly I picked up a book for my trip down here where there was a sort of a Oscar Wilde quotation (supposedly): "The heart always return to wherever it hurts the most" which is very true for me.

My trips to Greece are more to be in the same place as my son is rather than orchestrating a reunion...there are plans in place for this and it is taking a long time...then again, I have decided that any reunion should happen on his terms not how I want it to happen.

So here I am, off to this big shopping centre in Athens to have lunch. OK, I did have an ulterior motive, I knew where my son would most likely be in the evening and wanted to go there...hoping to catch a glimpse of him...just to see him in the flesh would have been great.

Then there I am in the shopping centre and who should suddenly appear before me on the escalator, but my own flesh and blood. So bad me...I followed him to a coffee shop, where he looked straight at me. I didn't speak to him at all, just started to shake like a leaf ordered my coffee in extreme bad Greek and went to he outside terrace where low and behold he is sitting about 10 meters from me. I sat down and had my drink stealing a few glances at him...just hope I was not staring at him, but I did see that he was looking my direction too...most likely feeling stared at. When I calmed down, I went about my business and just thought how lucky I was to have seen he in person. Then about 30 minutes later I go up an escalator as he goes down, he just looks at me and carries on with his friend...I dare not look back at him and just get out shopping centre as fast as I can.

Maybe I should have said something, but what can you say? "Hello I'm your mother", when he was there with his friend? Hopefully, it was a spark of recognition on his part rather than him wondering why is this woman staring at me.

If anything, I can take with me from this trip is that my son is a beautiful creature with the most amazing eyes I will ever see...and one day I dare to hope they will look at me and know how I am, rather than some crazy woman who stared at him in a shopping centre in Athens.

I'm wondering who many out there like me?

OK, I have been a bit quite on the blogging front... it is just that I have not had too much to say, then I read this post over at my favorite blog Musing of the Lame.  Yes, the post fully resonate with me..still it made me wonder...how many of my fellow birth mothers, found themselves in a foreign country when they made THAT fateful decision?

If there are any other birth mothers out there who placed their child in a country they felt at home in but not their home country....for me the old adage of "Home is where your heart is at" impacted on my decision to place my son for adoption.  Had I not felt at home in Greece, I would not have placed my son there....for me it was a bit like: "I love Greece and I want to leave something of me in Greece".  Yes, now I know that is not a valid reason....still as a 21 year old scared girl it was the right thing to do...selfish yes...still something which felt right at the time.

Reading other blogs and other birth mothers narratives, I recognize their feelings...they mirror my own...still... it is always that one thing that is missing.. their child was placed in their home country...not in a foreign country.

So my question is simple hard....how do you deal with having to deal with your emotions and to top it all, wondering how to prepare for your search and potential reunion taking into account that you might not speak your child's native language, comprehend their culture and at the same time acting within their home country's laws.

Would you like me, try to learn their language, do whatever you can do within the laws of your child's country to facilitate a reunion or do you go full steam ahead..(I have contact details for my son) and just drop the bombshell that you want a reunion?

For me it is simple, my son's feelings and welfare is more important that mine, even it it means that I'm currently in a emotional limbo...I will just have to wait to the time is right...no matter how much I want it to happen right NOW.