My life is a lovely cake, to have a partner is the icing on the cake, but I do find icing sickly if I have too much of it

I have been quite on here lately, I had other stuff going on in my life... not adoption related.  Although, adoption affects me a lot... there is another thing which profoundly affected my life, that is the loss of the love of my life, Radouane.

Maybe it is because it is spring and love is supposed to be in the air, I seem to have become an agony aunt to a few people and they come to me for relationship advice... I keep telling them that I'm not the right person to ask, after all I have been single since Radouane died.  They often seem to want to settle for someone for right now, rather than waiting for the right one.  When I tell them this, they ask ever present questions... Don't you want new partner? Wouldn't you be happier with someone to share you life with?  My answers to those questions are.. If I met the right guy and I do not know.

Sometimes, I get accused of being too picky when it comes to men... what is wrong with having expectations?  If I was to meet someone new, I would expect it to be someone who would respect me and respect that there are two men who holds a special place in my heart (especially as I have a tattoo stating this fact) and someone who I would connect intellectuality with... it is not like I have "given up" on love... I always say that you never know what is a round the corner.

Chatting to a lovely elderly customer, Mrs S. the other week confirmed something I firmly believe in... to have a partner should enhance your life but should not define your life.   I even have a little mantra "My life is a lovely cake, to have a partner is the icing on the cake, but I do find icing sickly if I have too much of it". 

My conversation with Mrs S. started with me jokingly saying something along "you never know, you might find you self a lovely toy-boy this weekend"... after all she is only in her late seventies with a spring in her step and a twinkle in her eyes.  Mrs S. replied with a sad smile and said that she lost her soul mate five years ago and when I said I lost mine 17 years ago, she asked if it ever gets easier I had to say "No, but you learn to live with it".  

We then started to chat about our respective soul mates.  So there we was, nearly two generations apart and realising that our husbands were cut out of the same cloth... the little things they did for us, they way they encouraged us - in general, our relationships with our husbands were built on the same foundations of love, respect and trust.

I told her how annoying it is when friends (not my true friends) and family tells you that you will need to find a new partner... how they says it would be good for you and make you more happy.  Believe it or not... Mrs  S. has the same problem.  It is like some people think Mrs S. and I cannot be happy unless we have a new partner that our life.

Mrs S. then said something which resonated with me.... people around us will never understand the way we felt about our husbands... because, no matter if our friends have been in their relationship for two weeks or 60 years, they will never have the same relationship as we had unless they were lucky like us... and found their true soul mate... so if we are picky about potential new partners, it is because we have already experienced the best person for us.

OK, I know people how are in a happy and loving relationship... it is just that from what they tell me... they are missing that little extra thing Mrs S. and I had with our husbands.  Or maybe, you have to have lost your partner to realise that what you had was something so special that nothing can ever touch it again.

So, I have decided to remain "picky" when it comes to men... if, there is another guy out there for me... it will happen when it happens... I'm not going to settle for anyone just to have a new man in my life, my life is fine without one for the moment.  My happiness is not depended on having a man in my life...I'm happy within myself no matter what life have thrown at me... everything else is a bonus.

Culture clash and grief

I haven't posted for a while because I have had loads of other stuff going on in my life, actually lately it feels like my life has been all about work.

Anyway, Christmas is upon us and I'm spending time with the family which is always great, chatting to Little Sis is always good for my soul and I am spending sometime with Little Brother and Baba tomorrow.

Last time I was here, Little Sis introduced me to a lovely lady who is sort of in the same boat as me... no she isn't a birth mother, but she was married to an Algerian man which unfortunately died when he was back visiting Algeria this summer.

It is strange that after so many years, I finally get to meet someone who I can identify with, someone who shares my experience of losing your soul mate.  Being from two different cultures is hard in any relationships but more so in death.  I tried  once to explain to Little Sis that for me a part of the goodbye would have to see him being lowered into the grave and that their tradition of having his body in the house before the funeral would have shattered me into so many little pieces I would never have recovered.

It is not that others don't empathise with us, it is just if you haven't being in our boat, how can you understand:

• how it is to loose someone when they were thousands of miles away from you and you did not get a chance to say your final goodbye before they died. 
• what it is like not to have a grave to go to as they are buried in their home country
• how we feel "alienated" from part of the grieving process because the cultural difference, including not not being able to attend the funeral
• the fact that your cultural background has a process of dealing with death you will need to follow and this might be at odds with your husband's family's beliefs.
• that we want to remember our husbands in our way - you see, you know your husband better than everyone in his family, there are things about him he would only you knew and this might be how you want to remember him.
• and finally, we that we do not want to find ourself a new man, partly because (for me I had already my soul mate) but also that we are worried that if we fall in love again and this person too might be taken away from us.. 

the only person who can understand this is someone who have walk down this path before you... I just hope that I can be there for this lady the way I wished someone could have been there for me.

For today, the two of us are spending a day together and she is taking me to  a beach somewhere, I did suggest that we did something for our beloved hubbies like maybe get some flowers and have our own private memorial service for them.  She thought that was a good idea and I'm actually am really looking forward to this.   Strange... but I think I have never actually had a "memorial service" and I do not think she had one either.  For me it might be nearly 17 years late but as they say better late than never.

Hopefully, today is a step towards healing both of us and maybe a start of a wonderful tradition for the both of us.

Thoughts of a birth mother

I was asked to write something on a Greek adoption group - as a birth mother looking for my son, the more I wrote I realised it deserved a post on my blog with a link on the group. So here goes and I will apologise if this is long and rambling.

Some twenty years ago, I lived in Greece and found myself pregnant, my circumstances was such that I could not keep my son, deep down I wanted to find a way to remain in Greece and raise him myself, but being a 21 year old foreigner in Greece made that impossible. So, I decided on the next best thing and that was to arrange for him to be adopted into Greek family. At the time, I was told that my son would always be told about me and I hoped that when he turned 18 he might even come looking for me.

Just after he turned 18, I came looking for him, because my life had changed and I wanted it to be easy for him to track me down. I managed to get hold of his parents address and wrote to them with my contact details, asking them to pass on these to my son when he was ready. Now, two years later I still have not heard anything from them, but I can understand their reluctance making contact with me.

You see, if I was in their shoes I might see myself as a threat to them, but far from it, you see in my eyes I'm just the "birth mother" not his mum, that is his adoptive mother. The last thing I want to do is to do anything to destroy my son’s relationship with his parents (his real parents).

The thing is, there is nothing more I want than having a relationship with my son and his parents, and for the record, I cannot thank them enough. From what I have learnt, they have raised a wonderful young man who they should be very proud of (from what I have learnt about him I am very PROUD of him). At the same time, if I found out that they had harmed him in anyway, my claws would be out – still I have no doubt that they raised him with loads of love and affection. My heart tells me that they have done a fantastic job in raising him – I have to admit better than I could have, if I had I kept him and gone back home.

Since then, I have lately learnt that there are so many angry birth mothers out in the world, they think that their babies were stolen, and that birth mothers like me, sorry I’m stealing another blogger’s term here, have allegedly drunk too much Cool Aid.

For me, placing my son for adoption was the right thing to do (for me at the time), I do think that adoption is a good option, but I believe in a fully open adoption (learnt by experience). Closed adoptions should only take place in extreme circumstances. However, had I know what I know today about adoption – would I have made the same choice? Personally, I think I would, under my circumstances back then it was the right choice, also it would have not allowed me to be the person I am today – even with knowing how much the adoption has affected me.

Lately, I came across a book called the Primal Wound – which I have mentioned here on the blog before – and yes, in my personal opinion this book should be obligatory reading for everyone affected by adoption. It is one thing that resonates with me... that is that the best thing for the child is that that all the parents have a solid good relationship with each other – they do not have to be best friends, but without animosity against each other and always acting in the child’s best interest (OK, the adoptee might no longer be a child) and it is not always possible. No, I’m not living in fairly land but even if I hated my sons parents (which I do not) I would like to think that they have his best interest at heart and we together we would look out for his best interest.

You know, adoptive mum and dad should respect the fact that the birth parents (where both are involved) are not the devil incarnate and that they gave them a Gift of a Life, and that the birth parents, especially the birth mother appreciating that (under most circumstances and I do not include the like of Angelina Jolie and Madonna here) the adoptive parents are providing their child with something they were unable to provide at the time.

I have heard about birth mothers who wants to meet the adoptive parents to tear their hair out for stealing their child – yes, a birth mother might have been pressured and not all adoptions are “clean”. But I can only speak from my own experience.

The American’s call it an Adoption triangle, but we often forget that the child does not have a choice at the time, so it cannot be a triangle, it is a linear connection between two group of people who will affect a third party forever.

Another thing I have learnt is that some children would have preferred staying with the birth parents no matter what hand life threw them. Herein lies my only problem with adoption, us parents (both birth and adoptive) wants the best for the child, but since none of us have access to an oracle we have to rely on what we think is right. As a Cool Aid birth mother, I know that at the time despite being told a few lies (by the doctor who facilitated the adoption) it was the right decision – the only person who can tell me otherwise is my son.

Has it affected my life, hell yes, there is not a waking moment I do not think about my son, whether he is happy, how his life is going, is there anything I can do for him. Most of all, what I want most in the world is to give him a big hug and say: “I’m sorry, I could not be there for you and I hope that you know I my decision was made because I love you and not because I did not want you”.

However, since my son turned 18 I decided to be open about the fact that I’m a birth mother, even total strangers know if adoption comes up in a conversation – you will be surprised how often, and you do know what... it was one of one of the best decisions I have made.

So now, I have no shame in proclaiming I’m a birth mother searching for my son, and one of the most powerful moments was when a young lady came up to and whispered “Thank you, you are the first person I can admit I’m a one [birth mother] to, and it is so nice that I finally have someone I will understand what I’m feeling”. For years, I did not have anyone to come to and ask questions about if my feelings were natural, aside from my lovely husband (no longer with us). Actually, I have him to thank for my current feeling about adoption. He forced me to name my son (I had avoided that one...I did not want remember at the time), he was the one who insisted that if we were ever to have children (we never had a chance to have one) they will know about their brother in Greece. My Cool Aid moment comes into play – for years I was in denial – but my husband did force it out of me – forced me to accept that in Greece there is a young man walking about, living his life (hopefully a happy one) because I made a decision which has affected (and in my case) four main players - my son, his parents and me. As my son is at university and in his last year – I will not make any contact before he graduates – I do not want to disrupt his schooling – but another thing I have learnt about adoption is that it is the “long con” sorry about the pun – but going back to my opinion that adoption should always be open. If it is not, it is a con – perpetrated by all parties involved, either intentionally or by circumstance.

So at the end of this long ramble, what can I tell you... no more than this... if you are a birth parent don’t stop searching and please do not doubt you decision – if it felt right at the time, it was the right decision. For you adoptees, please search out your birth parents and meet them once (at least). Your birth mother (and birth father) made a choice based on what they thought was the best for you at the time. After that, it is the adoptees choice, us parents (we do not have a choice on this... we made that choice long time ago – despite what we hope for). For your adoptees, I’m not saying this because what I want – you should realise what I want. You need to find out, for you medical history, your (sometimes) sense of belonging, for peace of mind. I know that, when my son finds out about me, he might not like me or want any contact with me – but at least twenty years down the line he will have a choice in wanting to know me or not without fear of me rejecting him.

PS. For those who wonder – yes his is MY SON – and his adoptive parents son – even my late husband son – who was not biologically his father but still his son – in my case his biological father will be hard to trace, but if he wants to find him, I will move heaven and hell to help my son to find him – even if he [the father] is the last person on the planet I would ever see again. My son has a lot for parents, but HE ALONE can decide who he wants in his life as his parents I cannot make that choice for him – and I’m not planning to make that choice for him, if he don’t want me in his life it is a decision I will respect.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Middle brother's wife and I was chatting today on Skype and she made lovely comment about how Radouane would have been proud of me these days.  She always keeps telling me how lucky we were having him and that we were such a fantastic loving couple.

The problem is that I have, is despite constantly being told by all the Family (including extended), that the two of us were special and they aspired to our love, it has been so long since he died, I sometimes feel that my memories of him are wishful thinking and told her so.

Then my darling sister-in-law tells me that Middle Brother told her that Radouane had only eyes for me and was madly in love with me.  Just hearing that had me in tears...but made me realise that yes my memories of him are true and he and I were true soulmates.

I cannot believe that I was so lucky in finding him and that even if we only had a few years together, so to quote Lord Alfred Tennyson : "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved all"

Mothers

Just finished a long chat with my flatmate... about mothers... and it I'm wondering what type of relationship you have with your (adoptive) mother... I just hope it is a great one.

No matter what I love my mothers... in one way I'm very lucky... I had three mothers who are all very diffrent and I love them all in different ways.

My biological mum - who are I supposed classed as my proper mum - I do love her to bits but as I have said I just don't think we "gelled" - it happens sometimes and cannot be helped - I have said it before it is not her fault it was just not meant to be.

Mana - in the short time I knew her - she was my guiding light and thought me about life - both good and bad - she held my hand through some great times and some really bad - but was always there for me no matter what and would always try to guide me without being judgmental.

Yuma - what can I say - my true mum - who thought me how to cook, who guided me through womanhood - and the mum I'm missing the most - I know you and Radouane is keeping a close eye on me and making sure my path always true.. أمي ، اشتقت لك والحب لك من كل قلبي

So, despite what I would like to be... I just hope you love your (adoptive) mum as much as I do love each of my mums - I will of course always hope that I can share you with your "proper" mum but only time will tell on this one.

Love you kiddo xxxx

OK, I have been quite for a while

It has been loads of thing happening lately.... which is partly why I haven't posted for a while.

Since I last posted, I spent some time with the family... even got to met your Cousin's 2 & 3 and as always it it lovely to see your Cousin's 1 & 4. It was funny, your cousin 3 asked about you and your BF - I had to admit that your BF was a bit of a mistake... not that you was ever one, I just wish that your BF had been Ray - how different life would have been then!

Anyway, for a while (actually for the past 20 odd years) I have been thinking about getting a tattoo and have finally decided to bite the bullet and getting myself inked. So Ray and your names are being immortalised on my body. Cannot believe I'm going to do it and some folks thinks its silly... then again it is something which means a load to me - after much deliberation I'm going for the my favourite version of your name... not sure if it is the version you prefer, I just hope you one day get to appreciate it.

I also think I got some great news from my friend in Greece... she just gave me the impression that when you reach a certain age I can contact you. That has just taken a massive weight off my shoulders. As I said to her, if you don't want to have contact with me (I would be disappointed of course) it will be your choice... it is all about your right to choose to have contact or not. Here's to hoping XD

It's unfair it still hurts so much!

Today, had a lovely day out with my friends - celebrating the wedding anniversary of two of them.

The problem is that it made me think of Ray - and damn I miss him so much. Could be that Valentines Day is coming up and one of my favourite memories of him is our first Valentine's Day.

Since I never can understand the whole thing about Valentine's Day (haven't ever had a Valentine's card). So jokingly, I told him that if he didn't bring me something, he could forget about coming home. So what does he do - he comes home with a bottle of champagne, wine and a red rose between his teeth.

He was good with stuff like that, he was really a romantic at heart. He would do "silly" stuff for me, like bring me breakfast in bed, run me a bath, cook me dinner and other little thing. I know that he was not perfect but I loved him for all those little thing.

Remembering all off this had me in tear on the way home tonight... I was sitting on the train with tears running down my cheeks.

So Radouane, I miss you so much and will always love you xx

What now... the Jeremy Kyle show????

Here in England we have this guy on TV called Jeremy Kyle... I have to admit I love watching his show... it just proves that I'm normal - I think!!!!!! (For your Americans - think Jerry Springer with verbal assaults rather than physical)

Anyway.. our lives could be an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show or a whole season!!

First Episode - my mother and me - our friend Jeremy might agree with me - I was never given a good example to follow... but then again my mother made me ... I cannot thank her enough for that and I do like me now...

Episode Two - how I met your father - for this one its simple and I cannot emphasise this enough, you was the best mistake ever..looking back I would loved to have kept you but is wasn't meant to be and you father and I could never have been your proper parents. When I was expecting you, if someone honestly would have said the three of us would be together forever - I still wouldn't have believed them. My decision to place you with your parents will always been the right one.

Episode Three - I cannot move on - sorry but after Ray's death I cannot move on and met someone new... I just think that Ray was the Cream of the Crop - he would always be the person the next man in my life can never measure up to - then again it has to be a special one to sweep me off my feet. Also Ray accepted you in whatever shape or form you would take. As I have said, Ray was your "father".

Episode Four - Move One - this episdoe is where Jeremy's aftercare team would have told me that I'm screwed, I need therapy etc... all of them was right... but my therapy is my friends - the ones I can talk to I mean, I don't think I do need conventional therapy.

Episode Five, Six,Seven etc... we are a strange but normal family (the Algerian branch) so we will have all that my Sister/Brother don't like my partner etc...all of the normal family situations applies to us.

Last Episode - Reunion - in this episode it's fairytale land, this is where what I want and what would happened is so far away from each other that I would not even consider the outcome of this one.

But as I said (by the way Jeremy Kyle staffers - my life story is not for sale but if you get us together I might consider it) Nor do I think your is either. But here is where I need a show could, otherwise how can I make contact...

You reader any suggestions??

OK, I'm a bit of a night owl!!

Just realised that most of my post is late a night - but that is because I'm a bit of a night owl, if it was up to me I would sleep all day and do all my stuff at night... are you the same??

I'm also so tempted to add you as a friend on one of my two profiles, but because of the risk that you know and it would upset you stops me, but it's is so tempting. I just know that sooner or later I will add you from one of them, unless I have the strength to not do it.

I'm currently going though a bit of a what if stage, my current what if are:

1. Do you know about me and don't want to know??
2. Do you know that you are adopted but don't know anything more and is curious?
3. Did you think when adding Cousin 1 and thought he was your brother/cousin/relative?
4. Do you know and is to scared to make contact... etc etc.

I just want you know, that if I knew you knew, it would be fine. For me the fact that you knew about me and did not want contact is bearable, but not knowing is pure hell.

I think you telling me that you hate me would be more bearable than not knowing if you know about me.

Other what ifs are:

• what if I had gone back to Norway:
• had Mana got me married off to Spyros, Nikos or Takis
• had Ray got me back to Athens, claiming you back
  
• had you parents responded to my letter etc...

There is only one what if I would have liked - that is Ray and me getting you back - that would have been nice - but not likely.

Because its so long since Ray passed, it is hard to second guess his wishes - but I think that had we had more time, we would have fought for you - as long as we both thought it was right for you. If we both felt that it would have been best for you to stay in Greece, it's where we would have left you. Actually, I think that we would have come to the same conclusion - that you belonged with your mana and mpampas. The reason for this is that and with hand on my heart, I can say that both Ray and I love(d) you - I will never stop loving you -it was the right thing at the time.

As for Ray - that is a bit of second guessing - but the more time I spend with the family I know I'm right - to Ray you was his son and he loved you with all his heart. Today is a day I wish the three of us could have been a proper family - but what you wish for is not always whats meant to be.

Έτσι για τώρα, εξ ονόματος της οικογένειας και εγώ, όλοι σας αγαπούν και θέλουν στη ζωή μας.

Full on month or what!

Still cannot believe how much my life has turned upside down - you are the only one who are missing to make it complete, still trying to figure out a way that can be achieved.

This month has been a bit full on. First I had Katie's 18th party, then last weekend I was up north with Little Sister and the family - and not forgetting Little Brother. Then I got to spend a day with Middle Brother and Weird Brother, and their partners - OK it was a few minutes here and there but still better than nothing.

Weird Brother is looking old - poor guy, but I think your Cousin 3 might have something to do with that together with the with the exhibition they was holding. They were doing a great job and nchalah I will be able to give them a proper hand next year. I offered to help and was roped in to doing bags for the visitors, even managed to run the information booth for a while, not sure if I was a help or hindrance.

I spent more time with Middle Brother and his wife than Weird Brother but that is normal, lol.
It was nice to see Middle Brother and his wife again I even got to speak to your little cousin again (I think that is your Cousin 8). Middle Brother and his wife thinks you look a lot like your Cousins 1 and 2 (more like Cousin 2) and Ray of course. Again, we have come to the conclusion that somewhere along there is a connection between your biological father and The Family.

Aside from spending a few minutes here and there with Weird Brother, I did get to meet his new partner. She seemed OK even if Little Sister and Brother don't really like her. I think that might be a bit more of a culture clash than anything - we got along fine (I think). Compared to the previous model (his first wife) she is easier to get along with and a wast improvement.

After the exhibition finished we all went for dinner - together with the rest of their team, we had all had a great laugh - it's odd that we haven't really changed - older and greyer but that's all.

Then your Cousin 3 has been in touch - I think she is a confused young lady, I'm not sure if she is reaching out to me but its early days yet. Nchalal, she will one day feel that she can come if she needs to. I think you could be a positive influence on her too - maybe not the same way as you currently are doing for Cousin 1. I just get the feeling that if you was around you might be able get through to her. I know she has a some problems with her mum. So she recently moved in with Weird Brother and his partner. I'm sure having someone like you to talk to would be great for her - especially as I know you are a typical 18 year old Greek boy - she would most likely listen an older cousin rather than any of us oldies in her life.

Then to cap off my week, you post a new link on FB - one of my theme songs - this one was from my time in Wapping after Ray died. That song would always bring me out of any black hole I might have been in. It was even played on Katie's birthday party. That girl is a true inspiration to anyone who meets her. Actually, I should introduce you to Katie so have a look on the clip below. Now put together the link you posted with this girl you will understand why that song would always get my out on any black hole I was in - they both still do. Although the black holes are few and far between these days.

Last night with the family (for now)!!!

Tonight is my last night here with the family, don't really want to go home but have to. It has been lovely to speak to them about you and Ray, they are all hoping to one day meet you, and as they all say nchalah, it will happen one day.

Today was spent comparing YouTube clips of Algeria and Greece and we have all come to the realisation that the two countries are very similar, including architecture, nature, food and music. We all hope of course that you can see Algeria and you can show the family around Greece.

It has been so loveley to be with them over the past week and as I keep saying them, they will not get rid of me now and I will come again soon. Also, Little Brother just explained when we were speaking about Weird Brother's partner choices, that the difference with them and me is that I'm their sister and part of the family and Weird Brother's partners has not been liked.

We have been joking about The Family traits which I have "inherited" - sleeping, permanently attached to a computer and a belly, it would be funny if you had them too. They all agree with me in that Ray was your father in every sense of the word.

About time to get ready for bed as I have an early flight tomorrow so Brother-in-law and Baba is getting up at the crack of dawn with me.

Nearly forgot, Cousin 1 has added you as a friend on FB and it will be interesting to see if you accept him and where it will go from there, so again nchalah.

So for now aγαπώ τον γιο and الله يكون على استعداد ، فلن نجد في بعضها البعض قريبا

με όλη την αγάπη μου, μαμά xxx

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To day was not as bad as I though it would be!!!

Today was the anniversary for Ray's death - I thought it would be more intense this year as I have The Family back, but for now it has not been bad at all, still felt down, but no more than I normally do on this day. Then again, I haven't spoken to any of them today - what tomorrow will bring I'm not sure - the thing is Ray's death sort of happened over a few days for me.

There was our last conversation (the night before the accident), the day of the accident and the day we were told. Today was anniversary of the day of the accident and not the day we were told, so I'm not sure what day The Family regards as "the day".

I will call Middle Brother tomorrow, no matter what, it will just be nice to speak to him again. As Uma & Baba are now in the country, I will also try to get to speak to them also tomorrow.

As I said before, I get to see The Family during Ramadan and Little Sis house if full of family and will be so for the next few weeks. She currently has Weird Brother's two oldest kids staying with her, which is good - as I don't think they know the family too well. I did actually chat - briefly with one of them (technically I think that would be your Cousin 2 - if I use the term chronologically).

Not sure if he knew about me from Weird Brother or from being told by Big and Little Sis and Cousin 1, he was surprised that he had met me once - as a baby - so I think Weird Brother must have told them about me.

Will ask Middle Brother for his telephone number, might as well bit the bullet and call him also - it would be nice to speak to the first member of The Family I ever met.

A friend suggested that I do something Ray would have liked in honour of his memory, so I did - you would actually like this one, but its not something I would put on here - so if we ever get to met do ask me about that!

My "rock" is back in my life!!!!

Had a phone call this morning from my rock, Middle Brother, damn I have missed him - but when we spoke it was like we had never been apart.

He also said he would try to get to the family reunion we are having in a couple of weeks. It would have been great if you could been there, but in one way it is good that we are not in contact yet. I definitely think that Ray is out there somewhere, pulling some strings for me. He must be looking down at us all and feeling pleased with himself.

I still cannot believe that the last time I saw or spoke to Middle Brother was the time he introduced me to his future wife - she did seem to be a lovely girl but now at least I will get to know her and my niece.

Actually, just finished chatting with Middle Brother - second time today, but this time I got to see him also, which is great - also got to say hi to your little Cousin, (need for find better names for the Cousins - I getting confused myself).

He is is touch with Weird Brother (if you read this sorry mate - I have my reasons for calling you that), but did ask him to get Weird Brother to call me. I cannot believe I have the whole Family back now - it must be a reason for that!!!

Its "official" - you are a part of The Family

Spent a few hours online today with your aunt, uncle & cousins, it was lovely to catch up with them. I cannot believe how much I have missed having them around. But over the past couple of weeks I think I have spoken to them more that I ever did before.

I did tell them all about you & they also hope they get to met you one day. I'm so happy that they reacted to you in this way. But this is Ray's family so their reaction shouldn't surprise me! One of your cousins kept saying that he was pleased to have a older cousin in Greece.

If Uma & Baba react to you the same way it will be official & Ray was your "dad". So if I ever get to meet you, you will have a lot of family to catch up with.

For now, having The Family back is great. I have pointed them in direction of this blog and I hope they will read this one day as I hope you will.

I have something to look forward to

Spent most of last night chatting to Ray's brother which was great but I cannot believe how much I miss my "family".

It is partly my fault that I lost touch with them - but I will put some of the blame on one of my brother-in-law also - but this time around I will make sure that we stay in touch.

I am meeting up with Ray's brother on the 29th - the first time in about since he was twelve - he does seem to become more and more like Ray. They even have similar jobs... but it will be interesting to see if he agrees with most a lot of my friends in regards to Ray and you.

But I cannot wait - I will get a hug from one of The Family and I have waited nearly 13 years for one of them. I just hope that one of the other brothers gets in touch with me - if it hadn't been for him - I would not have survived the year after Ray's death.

Then I have to trip up north to look forward to - I get to see most of The Family - I have decided that I my trip to Greece will have to wait until next year (maybe we will be in touch by then), but The Family is more tangible than you and I need them back in my life.

It would be nice if I can have the whole family thing happening with them - because that means that I will have a large close knit family around me (with one exception more to be told about that later) and I haven't had that since Ray died.

I cannot believe how much I miss him, I don't think I'm over him on any shape or form, but I have always said that if I ever met someone else they would have to live with the fact that I would always love Ray and if they couldn't handle that they could get lost.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately, two reasons, the anniversary of his death is coming up shortly and being back in touch with The Family.

If I close my eyes I can see him doing is little jig - every time he did one of them (no matter how angry I was with him) - I would just think how much I loved him - I don't think he knew that if he did one of those he would be forgiven - I just wish he could do one of those again for me - damn in tears now.

You see, the last time I spoke to him I basically told him to get off the phone because I had to get down to the launderette and when he told me that he loved me I just said: "Ditto", I didn't know then that two days later I would be told he had gone forever. I wish I could have that last summer back. I didn't want him to take that bloody job in Morocco - but he wanted it - it would be good experience.

At least I had the two weeks in Morocco with him before the accident. He was due back that week for a brief stop over and he was so looking forward to go home to Algeria for his birthday - that's why he is buried there - he wanted to go home - so I let him go home. Even if I wanted him here with me.

So you see I cannot wait until the 29th when I can spend a couple of hours with Ray's little brother and why I hope we all can stay close this time.