I have something to look forward to

Spent most of last night chatting to Ray's brother which was great but I cannot believe how much I miss my "family".

It is partly my fault that I lost touch with them - but I will put some of the blame on one of my brother-in-law also - but this time around I will make sure that we stay in touch.

I am meeting up with Ray's brother on the 29th - the first time in about since he was twelve - he does seem to become more and more like Ray. They even have similar jobs... but it will be interesting to see if he agrees with most a lot of my friends in regards to Ray and you.

But I cannot wait - I will get a hug from one of The Family and I have waited nearly 13 years for one of them. I just hope that one of the other brothers gets in touch with me - if it hadn't been for him - I would not have survived the year after Ray's death.

Then I have to trip up north to look forward to - I get to see most of The Family - I have decided that I my trip to Greece will have to wait until next year (maybe we will be in touch by then), but The Family is more tangible than you and I need them back in my life.

It would be nice if I can have the whole family thing happening with them - because that means that I will have a large close knit family around me (with one exception more to be told about that later) and I haven't had that since Ray died.

I cannot believe how much I miss him, I don't think I'm over him on any shape or form, but I have always said that if I ever met someone else they would have to live with the fact that I would always love Ray and if they couldn't handle that they could get lost.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately, two reasons, the anniversary of his death is coming up shortly and being back in touch with The Family.

If I close my eyes I can see him doing is little jig - every time he did one of them (no matter how angry I was with him) - I would just think how much I loved him - I don't think he knew that if he did one of those he would be forgiven - I just wish he could do one of those again for me - damn in tears now.

You see, the last time I spoke to him I basically told him to get off the phone because I had to get down to the launderette and when he told me that he loved me I just said: "Ditto", I didn't know then that two days later I would be told he had gone forever. I wish I could have that last summer back. I didn't want him to take that bloody job in Morocco - but he wanted it - it would be good experience.

At least I had the two weeks in Morocco with him before the accident. He was due back that week for a brief stop over and he was so looking forward to go home to Algeria for his birthday - that's why he is buried there - he wanted to go home - so I let him go home. Even if I wanted him here with me.

So you see I cannot wait until the 29th when I can spend a couple of hours with Ray's little brother and why I hope we all can stay close this time.