Monday, 8 June 2009

It's nearly 19 years since I made THAT decision!!!

It's quite strange to think that about 19 years ago, I sat at the reception desk at Joy's - having realised I was expecting you and wondered what I should do next.

I remember having long "conversations" with you - I would like to think that in a strange way you helped me making my decision. I would ask you a question and you would do something pleasant if you "liked" my idea or deliver a extremely painful kick if you didn't. OK, fair enough, looking back, it is a bit far fetch to think that you could agree or disagree with me - but at the time it felt right and you seemed to "agree" with me that placing you for adoption was the right thing to do.

I was quite lucky in that I had a great pregnancy - I had no morning sickness and only felt like a whale in the last couple of weeks. My strangest craving was Ready Salted crisps and chocolate - together in a "sandwich".

We also had some fun - my 21st birthday party was great and I do think you enjoyed yourself (I was about 5 1/2 months gone by then). I remember you "dancing" along to the music at the club we had gone to. Some of the stuff you are listening to now, is stuff I would listen to when I was expecting you. Some people think there is a link there and I starting to agree - before I "found" you on FB, I had always thought that it was nurture rather than nature that shapes you but now I am not so sure.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I started to panic and I was worried I would not be able to go trough with placing you with your (adoptive) parents. So, I was pleased to be told that I had to have a Cesarean Section - you had the umbilical cord around you neck and you had decided you were going to be a breach birth. So, I jumped at the chance of a general anesthetic and the C-section, I just knew that that was the only way I could let you go.

However, I had to sign you out to the hospital and when Wilma brought you out in you little car seat I caught a glimpse of you - I had to get her to take you away as quickly as possible - so for over 18 years my memory of you have been your little chin (it hasn't changed) in the white car seat with red and blue decoration on it.

You should know that I didn't name you throughout my pregnancy, I just kept calling you son. I was toying with a few names for you, your name included - I wanted you to have a Greek name, but I didn't really want to after anyone I was close to - so eventually I decided to name you Kostas - which you were for me until February this year. That is when I realised that you had been given one of my favorite Greek boy's names.

I still haven't given up the hope that your (adoptive) parents will tell you soon. I know you are home this weekend and you have not been on you FB since Friday - which is not like you - so might be good news for me - I can but hope.

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