Tuesday, 10 November 2009

OK, I'm a bit of a night owl!!

Just realised that most of my post is late a night - but that is because I'm a bit of a night owl, if it was up to me I would sleep all day and do all my stuff at night... are you the same??

I'm also so tempted to add you as a friend on one of my two profiles, but because of the risk that you know and it would upset you stops me, but it's is so tempting. I just know that sooner or later I will add you from one of them, unless I have the strength to not do it.

I'm currently going though a bit of a what if stage, my current what if are:

1. Do you know about me and don't want to know??
2. Do you know that you are adopted but don't know anything more and is curious?
3. Did you think when adding Cousin 1 and thought he was your brother/cousin/relative?
4. Do you know and is to scared to make contact... etc etc.

I just want you know, that if I knew you knew, it would be fine. For me the fact that you knew about me and did not want contact is bearable, but not knowing is pure hell.

I think you telling me that you hate me would be more bearable than not knowing if you know about me.

Other what ifs are:
  • what if I had gone back to Norway:
  • had Mana got me married off to Spyros, Nikos or Takis
  • had Ray got me back to Athens, claiming you back
  • had you parents responded to my letter etc...
There is only one what if I would have liked - that is Ray and me getting you back - that would have been nice - but not likely.

Because its so long since Ray passed, it is hard to second guess his wishes - but I think that had we had more time, we would have fought for you - as long as we both thought it was right for you. If we both felt that it would have been best for you to stay in Greece, it's where we would have left you. Actually, I think that we would have come to the same conclusion - that you belonged with your mana and mpampas. The reason for this is that and with hand on my heart, I can say that both Ray and I love(d) you - I will never stop loving you -it was the right thing at the time.

As for Ray - that is a bit of second guessing - but the more time I spend with the family I know I'm right - to Ray you was his son and he loved you with all his heart. Today is a day I wish the three of us could have been a proper family - but what you wish for is not always whats meant to be.

Έτσι για τώρα, εξ ονόματος της οικογένειας και εγώ, όλοι σας αγαπούν και θέλουν στη ζωή μας.

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