Saturday, 17 April 2010

Grief is like the Tears Of A Clown

With losing Uma this week, I had forgotten how some people react when you lose someone, a lot of people are worried about what they say to you.

When I lost Radouane, my old boss told to me that the best thing he could do for me, was to go on as normal. He knew that one day I would break down and when that happened he would understand. Those were wise words and I have lived by them since.

When someone around me have lost someone - I will always avoid using words like "I'm sorry" or "My Condolences", because I find them insincere, I also remember I got angry when someone said it to me. I end up saying something like: "I'm here if you need to talk or just to come and scream at someone". It sounds a bit cold but what else can you say. Someone telling me "I'm so sorry" made me want to shout: "NO YOU ARE NOT YOU ARE HAPPY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU". Grief cannot described, it has to be experienced to understand.

I'm one of those people whom always seems to be smiling on the outside - the calm, collected one others come to when they need help - it is so far from the truth. That got me thinking of a poem I liked when I was your age, it had had a line in it that went something like this "behind the painted smile, no one can see the tears of the clown". Because the line sums up the way I'm feeling, I wanted to find the poem again. I could't find it but found this poem instead...

You don't see the pain I bear
I hide my sorrows well
Seeming happy on the outside
While the inside hurts like hell

I make a joke, I make you laugh
You really have no clue
You think you know me very well
Have I got news for you

I only let you see enough
To think you know my life
Never will you see the true me
Only I can know my strife

No one else can know my heart
I've hidden it away
I've covered it with make-up
Made of jokes and laughters sway

You'll never see how much it bleeds
How much it's torn apart
You can not know the damage there
Deep inside my heart

I always hide myself away
No one can see a frown
You'll only see the happy face
Never see the tears of this clown.

I would like to thank the author... whoever they might be.

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