So reading these blogs I'm thinking I never had any therapy or conventional support in my life, with my childhood, placing your for adoption or Ray's death. Even if I did toy with the idea of becoming a shrink myself I have never felt the need for therapy - although other people who have had similar lives to me might be totally fucked up.
When I realised that I was expecting you, and before it was confirmed I was pregnant, I calmly went through my options, which I think I touched upon before but here we go again where:
- Going back to Norway to raise you, I would have loved to be able to do that but I would not risk my sanity, health and therefore your well-being around my family - don't get me wrong they were not that bad. But I wanted better for you and I was worried I would end up like my mother and resent you. I needed to break the circle my family appeared to be in and didn't want you to ever hear that you were a mistake.
- Raise you in Greece - another option I would have preferred, but with no money I would have to rely on other peoples support and generosity and again I was frightened I would resent you - it could be that I just didn't have any faith in myself as a mother but I just felt it right to place you for adoption.
- So, my final option was then placing you for adoption - I had heard about an organisation in the UK called LIFE and had planned to come here and contact them, when your (adoptive) parents came forward. But I decided not to meet them as I was frighted I would not like the look of them and change my mind. For me the fact that you would have a mother and father was important to me and every time I asked them (through my doctor) if they would change their mind if there was something wrong with you I was told "not all all". So for you to be that wanted made my decision much easier. The clincher was that they said (again through my doctor) that you would be told you ever adopted and that they would take a second child from me if the situation ever arose.
Another thing I need to say - just because the problems in Greece with illegal/black market adoptions. I NEVER SOLD YOU - from what I have found out so far, is that everything was above board. Your (adoptive) parents to my knowledge only paid for my medical expenses (and one winter coat). I was offered a flat for the duration of the pregnancy (which I rejected) and after you were born I had a ticket to England and £500 (but I have always thought Manolis provided those). But then again I might have been wrong - but I do not believe the people in my life at that time would have allowed that to happen.
I think that one of the reasons I have never felt the need or urge for therapy is that I have always been open about you and my decision to place you. You have never been a secret to people in my life both new and old - when it have been appropriate I have brought you up in conversations. Now you have turned 18 and I decided that time had come to reunite - if that is want you want to do - my urge to get to meet you is overwhelming but I know it has be be your decision.
Your adoption I believe was what was called a closed adoption - although the change in Greek Law now means that its your right to find out about me and one of the reasons I am actively pursuing a reunion for us.
Hence, my sudden interest in other birth mothers and joining the web rings (if they accept me) and wondering what they would do in my situation. Would they hold out for you making the first approach, or make the first approach themselves and if so how? Or if an adoptee read this it, would be great if they could let me know who they would have been liked the approach to have been.
You see, I think the one thing I have been missing out on is contact with other birth mothers and adoptees rather than therapy???
In the meanwhile, I can only hope that your (adoptive) parents decide give you my letter before my planned trip to Greece. And sorry, I will continue to "cyber-stalk" you.
You haven't been online yet to day so I hope that you are just celebrating yesterdays results rather than you was up to no good yesterday.