Monday, 29 November 2010

When are you ready for reunion?

A friend was telling me about her other friend today - another birth mother - it started that with my friend complaining about her friend upsetting her over something trivial - it is surprising how a little comment can lead to major revelations.

Then she went on to tell me the story about her friend and it shocked me...not necessary the story but my reaction to it - I found myself being the "counselor" again.

Anyway, back to this story... this lady grew up in an strict traditional Asian family and from what I was told, she was beaten up by her mother on a regular basis.   In her late teens she rebelled and started to sleep around and found herself pregnant.  She then managed to hide her pregnancy from her family until she went into labor.  Being an unwed mother would apparently bring shame on the family and her parents forced her to give up her child - I understand that she got to spend a few days with her child.  After this, the  lady went on to get married (I don't know if it was a "good" marriage) and had another child.  She subsequently divorced and is now a single mother - the relationship with the second child damaged and according to my friend mother and child "hates" each other.

Now 18 years later, the child's adoptive family approached the birth mother - I think for medical reasons and they are in the process to telling the child and is happy to facilitate a reunion.  This is due happen over the next couple of months.  The birth mother told my friend that she don't want to have anything to do with her oldest child - she just want the one meeting and be over and done with it.

I found myself explaining that adoption reunions are not something that should not be taken lightly and her friend really need to make sure she was ready for a reunion - I didn't think she have come to terms with the effects of the adoption or started the "grieving" process.  I'm sure that the relationship she has with her second child and her behavior is a direct result of the forced adoption.  I just hope my friend gets this lady to speak to someone who understands the adoption issue before she "loose" both her children for good.  I know my friend is there with her love and support (and hopefully a bit better understanding of the effect of adoption).

The more I was explaining this to my friend,  the more I realized that I'm "at peace" with my decision to place you for adoption.

I would not like to second guess what you would do or feel, especially since I don't even know if you know about me yet.  However, I'm also "at peace" with the fact that you might not want to get to know me - it would of course hurt me but I would respect your decision - I would just be here for you should you then change your mind.  My friend thought if that day comes you and I will have a good relationship - I can only hope..

The whole thing made me think that we are lucky... placing you for adoption has severely affected me, but it haven't "fucked" me up and I think you have grown into a balanced young man.  Then again, I couldn't even try to imagine how I would feel had I been forced  into placing you.  

So I have come to the conclusion that you are ready for a reunion when you fully embrace the possibility of rejection.

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