Καλά Χριστούγεννα

Καλά Χριστούγεννα αγόρι μου

Ελπίζω μόνο να είχε μια μεγάλη μέρα και εύχομαι ήταν εκεί μαζί
σας σήμερα.

Το καλύτερο της τύχης με τον ανταγωνισμό του αύριο.

Είστε πάντα στην καρδιά μου και σ 'αγαπώ γιο.

Watching Juno with my "adoption hat" on

Normally when I watch a movie, I sort of empty my head and try to watch the movie without any preconceptions - as I did the first time I watch Juno.  Since then, I have read a number adoption blogs that either praise and slate the movie, so I decided to watch it again - this time wearing my "adoption hat".

The way I see it (and the way I saw it at the time), Juno and I are very similar - often it is easier to explain how I felt felt when placing you for adoption by getting people to watch Juno instead.  Of course there are major differences between the fictional character of Juno and myself,  but here is some of the similarities: 

• When we found out we were pregnant, abortion was dismissed (different reasons for her and me) and very quickly we decided that placing our child for adoption was for the best. 
  
  
• Neither of us thought about the long term effects this would have on us, nor did we have anyone pressuring us to place our child for adoption.  We both made a decision and stuck to it and did not think of the long term impact it would have on us.
  
  
• Both of us tried to detach our self from our pregnancies by putting the adoptive parents feelings before our own. I think we saw the PAPs (prospective adopted parents) as the perfect parents and wouldn't like anything to shatter that "illusion". 
  
  
• We both didn't understand enough about adoption to know the difference between "open" and "closed" adoptions.  We did end up on opposite sides of that one - she wanted a "closed" adoption and got an "open" by having a relationship with the PAPs .  Whilst I wanted an "open" adoption and got a "closed" adopted by not having a relationship with your parents before you were born. 

• Outwardly we would appear very blasé about the adoption process - although nothing is father from the truth. 

Now, it would be fantastic if someone would make sequel to Juno showing the effect the adoption would have had on Juno twenty years down the line.  Still, Juno is still a cracking little movie and I would recommend anyone to watch it.

When are you ready for reunion?

A friend was telling me about her other friend today - another birth mother - it started that with my friend complaining about her friend upsetting her over something trivial - it is surprising how a little comment can lead to major revelations.

Then she went on to tell me the story about her friend and it shocked me...not necessary the story but my reaction to it - I found myself being the "counselor" again.

Anyway, back to this story... this lady grew up in an strict traditional Asian family and from what I was told, she was beaten up by her mother on a regular basis.   In her late teens she rebelled and started to sleep around and found herself pregnant.  She then managed to hide her pregnancy from her family until she went into labor.  Being an unwed mother would apparently bring shame on the family and her parents forced her to give up her child - I understand that she got to spend a few days with her child.  After this, the  lady went on to get married (I don't know if it was a "good" marriage) and had another child.  She subsequently divorced and is now a single mother - the relationship with the second child damaged and according to my friend mother and child "hates" each other.

Now 18 years later, the child's adoptive family approached the birth mother - I think for medical reasons and they are in the process to telling the child and is happy to facilitate a reunion.  This is due happen over the next couple of months.  The birth mother told my friend that she don't want to have anything to do with her oldest child - she just want the one meeting and be over and done with it.

I found myself explaining that adoption reunions are not something that should not be taken lightly and her friend really need to make sure she was ready for a reunion - I didn't think she have come to terms with the effects of the adoption or started the "grieving" process.  I'm sure that the relationship she has with her second child and her behavior is a direct result of the forced adoption.  I just hope my friend gets this lady to speak to someone who understands the adoption issue before she "loose" both her children for good.  I know my friend is there with her love and support (and hopefully a bit better understanding of the effect of adoption).

The more I was explaining this to my friend,  the more I realized that I'm "at peace" with my decision to place you for adoption.

I would not like to second guess what you would do or feel, especially since I don't even know if you know about me yet.  However, I'm also "at peace" with the fact that you might not want to get to know me - it would of course hurt me but I would respect your decision - I would just be here for you should you then change your mind.  My friend thought if that day comes you and I will have a good relationship - I can only hope..

The whole thing made me think that we are lucky... placing you for adoption has severely affected me, but it haven't "fucked" me up and I think you have grown into a balanced young man.  Then again, I couldn't even try to imagine how I would feel had I been forced  into placing you.  

So I have come to the conclusion that you are ready for a reunion when you fully embrace the possibility of rejection.

Mothers

Just finished a long chat with my flatmate... about mothers... and it I'm wondering what type of relationship you have with your (adoptive) mother... I just hope it is a great one.

No matter what I love my mothers... in one way I'm very lucky... I had three mothers who are all very diffrent and I love them all in different ways.

My biological mum - who are I supposed classed as my proper mum - I do love her to bits but as I have said I just don't think we "gelled" - it happens sometimes and cannot be helped - I have said it before it is not her fault it was just not meant to be.

Mana - in the short time I knew her - she was my guiding light and thought me about life - both good and bad - she held my hand through some great times and some really bad - but was always there for me no matter what and would always try to guide me without being judgmental.

Yuma - what can I say - my true mum - who thought me how to cook, who guided me through womanhood - and the mum I'm missing the most - I know you and Radouane is keeping a close eye on me and making sure my path always true.. أمي ، اشتقت لك والحب لك من كل قلبي

So, despite what I would like to be... I just hope you love your (adoptive) mum as much as I do love each of my mums - I will of course always hope that I can share you with your "proper" mum but only time will tell on this one.

Love you kiddo xxxx

Adoption Awareness Month

November is the National Adoption Awareness Month. .. it has got me thinking.... as I have said before - me and thinking is always a bad combination.

A lot of my fellow birth mother's blogs mentions they were "forced" into (using my least favorite word again) relinquish their child. I am racking my brain and trying to figure out if I ever was "forced" into placing you for adoption - and again, in my case it was definitely the opposite - my friends tried to get me to keep you.   I have never been one for believing in astrology etc - although I'm apparently very good a reading Tarot Cards - the older I get the more I can see I'm a Libra - I can always see both side of an argument - getting sidetracked here.  But I knew that my circumstance at the time made placing you for adoption was the right thing... for us.  I cannot speak for anyone else.

However, that this does not mean that I don't feel the hurt and pain not having you in my life.... a fellow blogger put this so eloquently in their posting "We Bleed Too" , everyday without you hurts.

So, because it is National Awareness month I have done something silly - for me at least - found a site that does "physic reading".  The questions I asked where:

• Does he (you) know about me? the answer was Yes, Yes, Yes
• Does he (you) want to get to know me? the answer was Definitely Yes
• Does he (you) know how I am?  the answer was Absolutely Yes
• Will we have contact this year? the answer was Nope
• What about next year? the answer was Of Course Yes

So not sure if this is wishful thinking coinciding with National Adoption Awareness month, but it gives me some hope for the future.  Anyways, enough ramblings for tonight. 

A Tragedy

Earlier this week, a young man I know committed suicide and when his father came to give me details of the funeral, this poem was included and I hope his parents don't mind I share it with you. It is so fitting for their son.

As I look up to the skies above

As I look up to the skies above,
The stars stretch endlessly--
But somehow all those rays of light
Seem dimmer now to me.
As I watch the morning sun appear,
The shadows still don't fade—
As if the brightest light of all
Was somehow swept away.

Though I see the branches swaying,
And watch their dancing leaves--
The echoes carried on the wind
Don't sound the same to me.
As I listen to the morning birds
Sing softly from afar--
It seems to be a mournful tune
That echoes in my heart.

Another day has come again,
As time moves surely on--
But nothing now seems quite the same,
To know that he is gone.
The days and weeks and months ahead
Will never be the same--
Because a treasure beyond words
Can never be replaced.

The loss cannot be measured now,
The void cannot be filled--
And though someday the grief may fade,
His mark will live on still.
For even with my heavy heart,
I know that I've been blessed
To have been one who's life he touched
With warmth so infinite.

The tragedy of this senseless death was that he didn't leave a note for his parents nor were there any indication that he was feeling so low. I just wish it was more I could do for the family... a hug and a bad an offer of a shoulder to cry on is the most I can do for them.

Traits and quirks

On one of the forums I'm following the issue of traits and quirks was raised... mostly by adopted people but it got me wondering?

I know that a lot of my traits and quirks are identical to an adopted child.... I have major issues about being rejected, I feel the need to please other people and there are a loads more... if I hadn't know any better I would have thought I might have been adopted myself - I know of course that is not an issue - it is funny that I have the same issues as an adopted child. So, I started thinking - a very dangerous prospect I know, lol. But do all us affected by adoption have similar character traits? Actually, do you have some of these traits?

I know from the videos I found of you and from comments from some of my friends, that we do have some things in common... a tilt of the head, the way we smile (apparently). There is two major things for me... on the videos you keep doing a particular thing which I always do and our handwriting is identical, but do we have more in common. Yes, we like the same music, movies and books - the big question is do you have any of my personality - or are you anything like you father.

I'm still trying to remember why I liked your dad in the first place and it always come back to the same... I was never in love with him... he was cute and fairly nice, initially - nothing more - sorry, then again I was only 20 years old and what did I know about life then.

So when I imagining the prospect of meeting you I can only ever see myself in you, I never considered that you might have the traits of your biological father - your adopted father was always the only father I can imagine influencing you.

It is only over the past year I have considered your biological father and if you do have any of his personality? Don't get me wrong if you had all his personality, it would not make me love you less and I might not ever given him a chance to prove himself. Just know that you will always be loved whatever quirks and traits you might have, we all love you

It's done!!

So I have finally done it... and got the tattoo, I thought it would be much more painful than it was. Of course, it was a bit painful but as they say no pain no gain.

I'm not putting a picture on here but you still might see it on FB. I'm still wonder sometimes if you know and that is why you added Cousin 1 as a friend on there. If you know, you might look at my profile and you will then see the tattoo. Anyway just so you know Ο γιος μου, είστε πάντα στην καρδιά μου

OK, I have been quite for a while

It has been loads of thing happening lately.... which is partly why I haven't posted for a while.

Since I last posted, I spent some time with the family... even got to met your Cousin's 2 & 3 and as always it it lovely to see your Cousin's 1 & 4. It was funny, your cousin 3 asked about you and your BF - I had to admit that your BF was a bit of a mistake... not that you was ever one, I just wish that your BF had been Ray - how different life would have been then!

Anyway, for a while (actually for the past 20 odd years) I have been thinking about getting a tattoo and have finally decided to bite the bullet and getting myself inked. So Ray and your names are being immortalised on my body. Cannot believe I'm going to do it and some folks thinks its silly... then again it is something which means a load to me - after much deliberation I'm going for the my favourite version of your name... not sure if it is the version you prefer, I just hope you one day get to appreciate it.

I also think I got some great news from my friend in Greece... she just gave me the impression that when you reach a certain age I can contact you. That has just taken a massive weight off my shoulders. As I said to her, if you don't want to have contact with me (I would be disappointed of course) it will be your choice... it is all about your right to choose to have contact or not. Here's to hoping XD

Adoption - a dirty word

I wasn't going write for a little while but I have recently been following a tread on one of the adoption forums and also realising one of my flatmates situations.

To make it easy... my flatmate is an adopted child and have major issues with his birth family and the forum tread deals with a person who being "rejected" by their birth mother.

For me, both cases reeks of that whole adoption being a dirty word... and it is not... I'm member of an webring call a Gift of Love... that is what adoption is a true Gift of Love nothing more nothing less.

Us, the birth parents in most case places you (the child) into adoption because we believe that is the best for you.. because we truly love you. We place you for adoption because we believe others can give you more than we can. Whether that is financial, having two parents etc. Your real "adoptive" parents "choose" you because they truly wants a child to shower with their love.

I cannot speak for other B.M.'s out there but for me it was not an easy decision to make... and after the fact it is very hard to talk about adoption. To top it all, sometimes a sometimes a lie about the B.F is better than the truth and we learn to live with the "truth". On here I have been honest about your B.F and hope you can understand that I have always told the truth about him on here.l

However, I recently made a decision to be open about you adoption and I have been very lucky in that all the people in my life who I care about have accepted my situation. (Even if I don't know if you know).

However, it is only since I decided to be 100% open about my adoption situation I have realised that there are other people are in my situation. I have had people come up to me and say that they are a B.M. or adoptees and never been able to talk to anyone about their situation before. Unfortunately, adoption is still a dirty word for some people. This might be the case for some B.M. - they might not ever had the opportunity to talk about their child to anyone before contact is made and rejection might be a big possibility in those cases.

I just wish it was a way we could take back the word.... in the same way as Chris Rock used the N word at the Rose-bowl Stadium back in the days.

It has been awhile

Just realised I haven't written anything for nearly two months... I'm bad - but my excuse is that the World Cup have been on. Too bad Greece and Algeria didn't get through the group stages and the less said about England's performance, the better!

The good news it that you and Cousin 1 have had some more interaction on FB - OK it was just a few comments but better than nothing. I'm still wondering if you know he is your cousin or if you just think he is a random friend.

I'm going up North again soon and I get to see your Cousin 2 & 3 this time... was telling Cousin 2 that the last time I saw him he was in diapers. Should have much more to write when I'm back from there.

I don't expect my baby back!

I just finished watching the Lady Gaga episode of Glee - sad I know but loving the show... maybe the reason I'm loving the show, is that they have two adoption stories running. Quinn, who is pregnant and considering giving up her baby and Rachel, who in this episode was reunited with her birth mother, Shelby.

During the episode, Shelby explained to Mr Schuester that she wanted her baby back not a grown daughter. Shelby and Rachel have a moment together where they realise that they reunion is not what they hoped - that made me think.

I have heard and read so many reunion stories where the reunion is unsuccessful, because the birth mother expect to get their newborn child back. They haven't expected a young man/lady they met to be the little baby they placed for adoption. Personally, I believe that is the wrong expectation.

Of course, I want you in my life... it is just that I never expected a baby back. In my mind you grew up, you had your first birthday, first day at school etc. It is as a young man, I had hoped you come into my life or maybe, it is because I am "getting to know" you now, I don't expect a baby back.

There was also a point in the episode where Shelby told Rachel that she realised that she could only be her mother and never her mum. I think this is also a factor in unsuccessful reunions. Some birth mothers expect that their child would immediately see them as mum (this also goes for birth father reunions). Again, that is something I have always known...I even said it here before - biologically I am your mother - I will never be your mana. I would of course love to be a mum to you but, that is something only you can ever decide on. For me, just having you in my life only as a friend would be great.

I recently found some video clips of you and I keep watching them over and over... not sure if this qualify me as a stalker but I cannot help it. I just wish I could have isolate your voice in it... I would love to hear you speak - hopefully, one day I will.

You actually look so much like your biological father in those clips and I think you are a bit shorter than I thought. For the first time in over 20 years I can actually picture him... I would say that you got your good looks from him - together with my eyes and chin. As I said before, I just hope you haven't inherited his temper.

Anyway, in the clips you looked so happy and I can only say great job and I'm proud of your achievement.

"Normal" service resumes

The other week I was feeling absolutely shit.. now two weeks later I'm "back to normal".

I knew when I wrote my last post that I was being paranoid and what I was feeling wasn't reality. As soon as I had posted the entry for that day, I chatted to both your Cousin 1 & 2, they both cheered me up. I was also surprised of how many people who came up and told me that they loved and cared about me. That is what you get for feeling sorry for yourself.

I even got an email from a fellow runner... sent him and quick message back but still haven't heard anything...but that's life. Also, Big Brother and his wife has started to call me on a regular basis and I even spoke to Weird Brother today.

Weird Brother told me Baba was with Little Sister so I will have to call them tomorrow... I was hoping he would go there, so that is great news and hopefully that will mean that I get to see him more often.

Just finished having a long chat online with an old mate and I'm hoping to catch up with him next weekend... I haven't seen him for a while but hopefully we will be back to "our old selves" and nothing will have changed in our friendship - online we are the same.

OK this post is going to be a bit of a ramble... but as I said normal service has resumed.

The current situation in Greece quite extraordinary, but every time there are something on the news, I'm glued to the screen looking out for you. The thought of you demonstrating against the austerity measures, fills me with pride - because I know there are more to those demonstrations than the rest of Europe sees. Just the thought of you standing up and fighting for what you believe in is great and I sort of hope that you are there on the front-line - at the same time I want you to be careful and not come to any harm of course.

So just know your mum is very proud of you and loves you loads xx

I'm feeling like shit

I don't know why...but for the moment I feel like shit.. I feel like no one cares about me. I know that is not true but sometimes if I don't hear someone say they love me, I feel like shit...

Of course I know that is not true... I know I have people who loves me and cares about me... the problem is (psychoanalysing this) I cannot remember ever being told as a child I was loved - I probably was, just can't remember it.

Something in my childhood must have affected me, because if I don't hear someone tell me that I'm loved, I have a "down" day. That's also when my façade comes up - it is one my traits I hope you have not inherited. I'm so used to being "let down" that when someone tells me they love me and I don't speak to them when I want I feel like it, I feel let down. When this happens my "game" face comes on... hence the previous post about being the clown who hides behind their painted smile.

When it comes to you... I do remember that your feeling comes into it... it is just with the rest of the people in my life - I forget. I just have to remember that their feeling are as important as mine.

OK - so it's official I'm being selfish... but I'm allowed to feel shit once in a while - as long as I remember it is not all about me.

Grief is like the Tears Of A Clown

With losing Uma this week, I had forgotten how some people react when you lose someone, a lot of people are worried about what they say to you.

When I lost Radouane, my old boss told to me that the best thing he could do for me, was to go on as normal. He knew that one day I would break down and when that happened he would understand. Those were wise words and I have lived by them since.

When someone around me have lost someone - I will always avoid using words like "I'm sorry" or "My Condolences", because I find them insincere, I also remember I got angry when someone said it to me. I end up saying something like: "I'm here if you need to talk or just to come and scream at someone". It sounds a bit cold but what else can you say. Someone telling me "I'm so sorry" made me want to shout: "NO YOU ARE NOT YOU ARE HAPPY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU". Grief cannot described, it has to be experienced to understand.

I'm one of those people whom always seems to be smiling on the outside - the calm, collected one others come to when they need help - it is so far from the truth. That got me thinking of a poem I liked when I was your age, it had had a line in it that went something like this "behind the painted smile, no one can see the tears of the clown". Because the line sums up the way I'm feeling, I wanted to find the poem again. I could't find it but found this poem instead...

You don't see the pain I bear
I hide my sorrows well
Seeming happy on the outside
While the inside hurts like hell

I make a joke, I make you laugh
You really have no clue
You think you know me very well
Have I got news for you

I only let you see enough
To think you know my life
Never will you see the true me
Only I can know my strife

No one else can know my heart
I've hidden it away
I've covered it with make-up
Made of jokes and laughters sway

You'll never see how much it bleeds
How much it's torn apart
You can not know the damage there
Deep inside my heart

I always hide myself away
No one can see a frown
You'll only see the happy face
Never see the tears of this clown.

I would like to thank the author... whoever they might be.

She is gone!

This morning we got the news we dreaded over the weekend - Uma has passed on.

Last night I got this lovely image in my head that Radouane was there at her bedside holding her hand and telling her it was time to come. I also know that he would have told her how much we all loved her.

As they say: Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raajioon

Uma, I love you and thank you so much for being my mum xxx

Uma!!

We had some bad news from Algeria today..Uma is very ill, and it might be goodbye... I just hope that she get a chance to meet you before the end but its unlikely.

At least if she goes, Radouane will be there to take care off her and guide her though it.

The scary thing is tonight I might loose my mum and it frighting, considering that I haven't had that much time with her. But the only thing I can think of now is how the fuck can I get to Algeria to spend some time with her, if it is her last days. I'm freaking out, I dont want her to go as I still need her in my life.

The stupid thing is my French so rubbish that I might even not have the chance to call her to say goodbye. But I will find a way, beg, borrow or steal as they say over her... I will get to say goodbye, even if its only on here.

So excuse my bad French

Maman, Je t'aime de tout mon cœur et s'il vous plaît restez avec moi, je
ne peut pas vous perdez encore, même si je sais que tu veux être avec ma
l'amour Radouane

Votre fille aimante xxxx

A year of getting "know" you

I cannot believe that it is nearly a year since I found you online and got access to pictures of you - and a it is nearly a year since my call to your (adoptive) father.

It have been a full on year for me at least - with spending time with The Family and having you out in the open has been so good for my sanity.

Not sure about you, I'm fairly certain that over the past year you have had your heart broken for the first time - I just wished I could have been there to support you and of course to give you load of hugs. If your (adoptive) parents have told you about me it would be a massive year for you.

I still wonder everyday if you know about me - you see not knowing if you know is heartbreaking for me - I can handled you knowing and not wanting to have me in your life. The thing that is killing me, is the thought of you one day finding out by accident that you were adopted and believe me you will one day find out. If that happens I just hope that you will not be angry - and forgive your (adoptive) parents and myself.

Since deciding I would assume that you know about me - it have made life more bearable but still not knowing for sure is hard.

Luckily, I think I have the patience of a saint (that is probably wishful thinking) so I'm just have to grin and bear it.

For now ευτυχισμένος ο καινούργιος Πάσχα ♥

Flipping heck - this is scary

I previously mention that I was searching for a birth mother here in England, the good news is I have made some sort of contact - I found her brother and he asked me to contact him. So I called him and he was kind enough to pass on her contact details.

After speaking to her brother, it was hard not being able to give him any details - I think he might know already. But that was scary. My mouth was dry, my heart pounding and I couldn't speak properly. I was panicking on behalf of the adoptee and I was thinking what if the family knows, what if the birth mother had died, what if she doesn't want contact and of the million of other scenarios was going through my mind.

At least, I have passed on my contact detail to the birth mother and the waiting game begins - I hope that she will get back to me, because I know the adoptee really wants to meet her one day.

It made me think - if you know and want to make contact - you might sit the panicking wondering what would happen if you made that call or sent that email. Please know that yes I will freak out, that is only natural - but I will never reject you.

With you its hard, because Greek law says I cannot make contact - it has to be up to you. So when the day comes - your parents and this organisation have my contact details and they all know that I want you to get in contact. Till then I can only wait.

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Value of Woman

My friend sent to this a couple of days ago and I have to admit it is so true... so thanks to however put together the PowerPoint presentation. So I would like to dedicate this to all my fellow birth mothers xx

Anger in Adoption

I have been reading some posting in on of the adoption forums I'm following - I just hope that when the day comes and we have contact - that you will not feel the anger and hurt I read in these forums.

There is one particular person's posting which has my blood running cold...I don't know what the person background is but he is up in arms about what he calls as forced adoptions and social services and their role in adoptions.

For me, you were placed with your (adoptive) parents because I loved you and wanted the best for you. Maybe because I did place you for adoption - I sort see both sides of the coin.

There are reasons for both types of adoption - in voluntary adoption (probably not the right phrase) the birth mother (and father) decided that it is the best option for their child and is a true gift of love. It might not always be the right thing to do in the long run, but in most cases the birth family's intentions pure. I do know there are some birth families out there who would have "sold" their child but I believe these cases are few and far between. There might have been extenuating circumstances behind this - look what happened in Haiti after the earthquake for example.

However, with forced adoption where the social services have been involved I do think that in most cases social services where right in removing the child. As you will often hear here in England, you need a licence to keep a dog but not to have a child - unfortunately not everyone is meant to be a parent. Biology don't make you a real mother or father, it is the love and nurture you show your child which does.

One of the reason this forum poster upset me, is that every time I put on the news, there seems to be a new case where children as young as 10 have been involved in high profile cases - and not as the victims but as the offender.

Last year when I was in Greece - the big news in Greece was a 12 year old British boy becoming a father (it turned out he was not), then you had recently two young brothers who nearly killed two other young boys. Then you have the infamous James Bulger case - nearly 17 years ago he was abducted and killed by two 10 year old boys (the case is back in the news now because one of the kids has allegedly re-offended). For me I know enough about psychology to know that those kids aren't born as Devil incarnate - they might have been predisposed to violence, but they will have learnt their behaviour from their surroundings.

I understand that in most of these cases the children were left with their biological families and it makes wonder if social services had removed these kids and placed them with an adoptive family would they have offended?

Of course, there are cases where children has been taken "out to the frying pan and put into the fire" - in those cases I can understand the anger. It is not for me to second guess these things but it upsets me when people just assume that any type of adoption is bad and rant about the negatives for adoption. There are so many "good" adoptions out there - both voluntary and forced compared to the "bad" ones.

Yes, I understand that as an adopted child, you might feel anger towards me for placing you adoption or you might be angry with your (adoptive) parents for not telling you (if they haven't yet). Just know that we all love you and always want the best for you.

Θα αγαπώ πάντα το γιο μου και μόνο ελπίδα ότι μια μέρα μπορώ να σας πω ότι στο πρόσωπο, φορτίο της αγάπης xx μαμά σας

Our emotional roller coaster

A fellow blogger reminded me of the emotional roller coaster people affected by adoption is riding. The one minute we are high on life - we feel invincible and ready for anything the world can throw at us. The next we are at the edge of a black hole, we are insecure, and in desperate need of someone to let us know we are loved.

Over the past year... still cannot believe it is just over a year since my trip to Greece and my journey started in earnest...my roller coaster has been at its most extreme.

Having "access" to you has been a blessing and a curse - not everyone in our situation is that lucky. The good thing is also that if you know about me.... you have "access" to me and the family.

Also finding other people in our situation has been helpful...it is great to know that you are not alone - there are other people who experiences similar emotions to your own.

I personally have euphoric moments when I think you know about me and even is in contact with Cousin 1 - just waiting for the right moment to make contact. The next moment, I'm totally insecure... I keep wondering if I have done anything wrong, why haven't so and so spoken to me for a while, does anyone love me etc.

Luckily, I have really good friends who try to support me the best they can, my "adoption friends" how understands what I'm going through and not forgetting the family.

Over the past couple of days, Little Brother and I have had a couple long conversations and I think I have persuaded him to come to Greece with me. He actually pulled me back from my latest black hole.

That would be nice if Little Brother comes with me to Greece, because if we made contact I will have someone there supporting me (selfish I know), but if it went wrong...

But for now, I'm looking forward to go up north and to spend a weekend with Little Brother next month.

It's unfair it still hurts so much!

Today, had a lovely day out with my friends - celebrating the wedding anniversary of two of them.

The problem is that it made me think of Ray - and damn I miss him so much. Could be that Valentines Day is coming up and one of my favourite memories of him is our first Valentine's Day.

Since I never can understand the whole thing about Valentine's Day (haven't ever had a Valentine's card). So jokingly, I told him that if he didn't bring me something, he could forget about coming home. So what does he do - he comes home with a bottle of champagne, wine and a red rose between his teeth.

He was good with stuff like that, he was really a romantic at heart. He would do "silly" stuff for me, like bring me breakfast in bed, run me a bath, cook me dinner and other little thing. I know that he was not perfect but I loved him for all those little thing.

Remembering all off this had me in tear on the way home tonight... I was sitting on the train with tears running down my cheeks.

So Radouane, I miss you so much and will always love you xx

I'm quite lucky, I think!!

It is nearly a year since my trip to Athens and the start of my search for you and reflecting on the year that have passed, I think I have been very lucky.

Over the past year I have trawled the internet and found a number of sites that deals with adoptions. I also have found some great friends on that road - people in similar situations to us.

From the people I have had contact with, I know that I have been extremely lucky. Within a few months, I had your details and found your profile - knowing what you look like is such as blessing. Not forgetting having the family back in my life and that they have embraced you as one of their own - even if they have never met you.

So, my journey over the past year has actually been positive - the only little niggle is not knowing if you know or not. But as I said in my previous post, I will now assume that you know and will contact me if and when you are ready.

However, I have promised myself that if I could help anyone in our situation I would.

That lead me to searching for a birth mother here in England - boy is that hard, I just hope that one day I will find her for her child. This made me think how lucky I have been to have the information I do have for you.

When the day comes for you and if you want to find me, your parents would hopefully already have given you my contact details. If not, and you need to search for me, I just hope I have made it as easy as possible for you to find me.

Aside from that I think I might have found myself a Greek tutor, because I really need to improve my Greek. I'm getting fairly good a reading both greeklish and Greek but what is the point of reading a language is you cannot speak it.

January Blues

January is normally a bad month for me... (together with August they are my two "blue" months). I'm not depressed as such - I just tend to burst into tears easily, anything can set me off, but it's something I have learned to live with.

So to cheer myself up, I was looking through some of poems and quotes from our favourite poet and came across this little gem:

"Pain is strange. A cat killing a bird, a car accident, a fire.... Pain arrives, BANG, and there it is, it sits on you. It's real. And to anybody watching, you look foolish. Like you've suddenly become an idiot. There's no cure for it unless you know somebody who understands how you feel, and knows how to help."

It is so true - how can anyone understand what you are going through unless they have been through it too.

So, when the time comes - I hope you have someone there for you, who will understand and know how to help you.

If they are right, it starts to make sense!!

I recently came across an adoption forum and has spent most of today chatting to a couple of people on the site. It has passed the day, as it has been a proper winter's day here - England has proper snow but too cold to do anything interesting.

But back to my chats today... one of the people pointed out that I'm wrong to assume you don't know you are adopted. They pointed out that the likelihood is that you know, and even might have been told about my letter. Taking into account you age and the fact that you are still in school, might be why there has not been contact yet. Or, that you have been told but your parents are waiting for you to finish your schooling before passing on my contact details.

However, if you know it might explain a few thing... like you adding Cousin 1 on FB, and some of your likes and links. But then again, it can all be just a coincidence.
It would be so much easier if I knew for sure - it feels right to think that you know. That feeling is hard to explain, I have had a few of "what if" you know episodes before, but the way I was explained it today makes sense.

So, now it is a waiting game - if I assume you know - I have always said contact must be your choice. I can handle you not wanting to know me, I will be hurt but will accept your decision. It is the not knowing bit that is hard...

Aside from that, I have realised that this time of year must be exciting for you, with you name day, Christmas and your birthday all so close together... when you was little you must have loved it and you was probably spoilt rotten by your parents. I just hope that one day I get a chance to see pictures of you as a little lad... I'm sure you had a little mischievous little glint in your eyes because you still have that now.