Culture clash and grief

I haven't posted for a while because I have had loads of other stuff going on in my life, actually lately it feels like my life has been all about work.

Anyway, Christmas is upon us and I'm spending time with the family which is always great, chatting to Little Sis is always good for my soul and I am spending sometime with Little Brother and Baba tomorrow.

Last time I was here, Little Sis introduced me to a lovely lady who is sort of in the same boat as me... no she isn't a birth mother, but she was married to an Algerian man which unfortunately died when he was back visiting Algeria this summer.

It is strange that after so many years, I finally get to meet someone who I can identify with, someone who shares my experience of losing your soul mate.  Being from two different cultures is hard in any relationships but more so in death.  I tried  once to explain to Little Sis that for me a part of the goodbye would have to see him being lowered into the grave and that their tradition of having his body in the house before the funeral would have shattered me into so many little pieces I would never have recovered.

It is not that others don't empathise with us, it is just if you haven't being in our boat, how can you understand:

• how it is to loose someone when they were thousands of miles away from you and you did not get a chance to say your final goodbye before they died. 
• what it is like not to have a grave to go to as they are buried in their home country
• how we feel "alienated" from part of the grieving process because the cultural difference, including not not being able to attend the funeral
• the fact that your cultural background has a process of dealing with death you will need to follow and this might be at odds with your husband's family's beliefs.
• that we want to remember our husbands in our way - you see, you know your husband better than everyone in his family, there are things about him he would only you knew and this might be how you want to remember him.
• and finally, we that we do not want to find ourself a new man, partly because (for me I had already my soul mate) but also that we are worried that if we fall in love again and this person too might be taken away from us.. 

the only person who can understand this is someone who have walk down this path before you... I just hope that I can be there for this lady the way I wished someone could have been there for me.

For today, the two of us are spending a day together and she is taking me to  a beach somewhere, I did suggest that we did something for our beloved hubbies like maybe get some flowers and have our own private memorial service for them.  She thought that was a good idea and I'm actually am really looking forward to this.   Strange... but I think I have never actually had a "memorial service" and I do not think she had one either.  For me it might be nearly 17 years late but as they say better late than never.

Hopefully, today is a step towards healing both of us and maybe a start of a wonderful tradition for the both of us.

Us birth mothers as a voice too

I finding it odd that when us birth mothers blog about our personal feelings...some think that we shouldn't express them... that our voices is not "valid" to them...but seriously, if you don't like what someone write on their blog just comment with "I don't agree with you" or even better don't say anything... someone's blog is often their outlet for feeling and thoughts cannot express in the real world (this is at least true for me).

For me, reading about one birth mothers good or bad experience is valuable and I'm sure that it is the same of many who are affected by adoption.

So to my fellow birth mothers... keep blogging about your experiences good or bad... for the ones of you who don't agree with what we write... get off our blogs and don't read them and for goodness sake... don't make assumptions that you know us and the circumstance of our life on your own blog.

I'm a bad "beemum"...me thinks!

After my last post I have had a serious thought about my "fit" in the adoption world.  So for my own peace of mind, I need to put this out there.

What I write on here is my personal feelings and opinions.  I am alone responsible for what I say.. but I cannot be responsible for how others interprets my feelings. What I feel is may not always not "marry" up to what everyone think I should feel or say.   The main thing is that this is my little personal outlet for my feelings and yes.. I put it out here because I had years of no-one "getting" me, so if this little insight to my feelings have someone saying to themselves "I feel like that sometimes" or even.. "I don't agree with what she is saying but I "get" it"...good.  

Still when I read other blogs, I sometimes are back there wondering if I'm the only one who feels like this or this.  Then again, I know that my adoption story is unique and although someone might have similar experiences, their story will be different.  So, for me reading others blogs.. whatever their opinion is... is valuable.. it gives me a little piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life.  It still makes me wonder if I'm a bad "beemum".

These are the reasons I might be classed as a bad "beemom":

1. I don't think my son was stolen from me nor was I forced or was I coerced into placing him.  I was feed a little lie here and there but in the end of the day, it was my choice.  OK, at 21 I might not have been mature enough to fully comprehend the effect placing him would have on me (or him), but I never thought that placing my son for adoption was "bad".  
   
   At the time, it was what I thought was the right decision for the both of us and I have learnt to live with that. It has made me into me... to say that I regret making that choice, is to say that I do not wish my son to have the life he has...not have the people he loves and cares about in his life... and that is not fair on him nor would it be fair on the people in my life.  It was a decision that has affected a lot of people... hopefully for good rather than bad.
   
2. As a pro-choice kind of gal, I think infant adoption is a good option, actually I think it is the woman's choice if she wants to keep her child, place the child for adoption or abort the child.   Of course, it is always best if the mother can keep the child but unfortunately, this is not always the case...but as long as it is a fully informed choice (whatever it might be), it should be respected... It is she who has to live with the choice for the rest of her life.  Telling her that she is a bad person for a choice she made in a particular situation is just wrong.
   
   If a young girl, finding herself pregnant came to me for advice, I would suggest adoption as one of the option she would have.  I would not say that it was the only choice and I would definitely not say it is the best choice... but an option.  Personally, I could not abort a child and I would explain that to anyone coming to me for advice.
   
   I now know that the adoptee will not have a choice in this but I have said it here before, it is a choice made on the basis that the bparents and the aparents thinks is the best of the adoptee.. For me, it is wrong to keep a child when you are not financially and emotionally unable to take care of the child.... at the end of the day, it is only the child who can one day say that this was the wrong choice.
   
3. I don't see myself as my son's mum...his amum is his real mum, biologically (and in my heart) he is my son, still I can only ever be his mother... for me, mum is the person who raised the him.  I would consider myself lucky if one day he would allow me to be his friend.  Of course, I would love for him to allow me to be his "other" mum but any relationship with him at all would be a blessing.

I'm sorry if this makes me a bad "beemum" but it is just the way I feel and I cannot help it... as they say I made my bed and I now have to lay in it.  So, if I can accept this why cannot others?

One shoe fits them all....NOT!!

I have been quite for a while, one of  the reason for this is a comment left by another person on another blog... I know they did not mean any harm by what they wrote but it still hurt me to the core.

The thing that started it was a fellow blogger posting that they wanted to interrogate their birth mother and ask some CSI style questions... which I fully understand why and the reason behind her wish to interrogate her birth mother.. even be angry with her.

She asked a few questions which I felt I could understand why she was asking and I answered them.. this is the questions and my responses

"How could you do this to me?" 
I did it because I loved you so much and wanted to give you a life I was not able to give at the time.
"Was I not good enough?"
Yes you was, it was me who was not good enough for you.
"How selfish could you be?" 
I felt it would be more selfish to keep you and raising you with only love to give. I could not provide you with a secure and stable life at the time.

"You should have never had me if you could not care for me!" I wish I could have cared for you and raised you. I hoped I was giving you a better chance in life with being raised with your parents. I'm sorry if I got that wrong..


What hurt my feelings was one other poster saying the following:

Sadly the answers of one mother may not be the answers of all mothers.This one size fits all adoptees has given us no end of trouble when we meet our mothers and find those answers untrue.Please resist the urge, it is not helpful to most.

In my answer to my fellow blogger, I put out my own personal feelings and answers.. I never said this was what others should say or feel.

You see, I understand that my feelings in regards to adoptions is my personal feelings... no one else, I don't intend to pigeon-hole anyone but at the same time I know that what I feel might be similar to what someone else is feeling - but still not the same.

Many years ago, I remember having a discussion of race.. and I had once heard that the definition of race was that you had to be genetically identical of someone else...so I used say that is great this planet has about 5 billion different races... as no one is identical (expect some twins)... that still applies, ok it might not be 5 billion races on this planet but there are about 5 billion different life stories, none which are identical...  So, when I say something out here in cyber-land, it is my personal opinion.  Sorry one shoe does not fit them all, but I do personally respect every single shoe on this planet... if that offends you, that is fine.  You see I respect your opinion, but I might not agree with it.  The same goes for others... I do not expect you to agree with my feelings and opinions, but please give me to curtsy of respecting it.

As for my comment on my fellow blogger's post on Interrogate This!  the only person who I would be worried about upsetting with my comments was the original poster.

I know that the no harm was meant with the comment saying I should resit the urge, it still hurt, but I respect that some one don't agree with me... that is their right, for me it was my right to answer those questions in public (which I did)

umming and ahhing

On one of my forums today there was a post from someone, bar one little detail the post could have been from you...I was umming and ahhing for a bit about posting a response on the forum... decided against it though.. sent the poster a PM instead... it would be interesting to see if I get a response.

Another thing I did lately was to show my last post to another birth mother, she was very surprised that what I wrote was basically what she was feeling about her adoption story... I wonder how many other birth mothers feel like I do about the adoptive parents?

Thoughts of a birth mother

I was asked to write something on a Greek adoption group - as a birth mother looking for my son, the more I wrote I realised it deserved a post on my blog with a link on the group. So here goes and I will apologise if this is long and rambling.

Some twenty years ago, I lived in Greece and found myself pregnant, my circumstances was such that I could not keep my son, deep down I wanted to find a way to remain in Greece and raise him myself, but being a 21 year old foreigner in Greece made that impossible. So, I decided on the next best thing and that was to arrange for him to be adopted into Greek family. At the time, I was told that my son would always be told about me and I hoped that when he turned 18 he might even come looking for me.

Just after he turned 18, I came looking for him, because my life had changed and I wanted it to be easy for him to track me down. I managed to get hold of his parents address and wrote to them with my contact details, asking them to pass on these to my son when he was ready. Now, two years later I still have not heard anything from them, but I can understand their reluctance making contact with me.

You see, if I was in their shoes I might see myself as a threat to them, but far from it, you see in my eyes I'm just the "birth mother" not his mum, that is his adoptive mother. The last thing I want to do is to do anything to destroy my son’s relationship with his parents (his real parents).

The thing is, there is nothing more I want than having a relationship with my son and his parents, and for the record, I cannot thank them enough. From what I have learnt, they have raised a wonderful young man who they should be very proud of (from what I have learnt about him I am very PROUD of him). At the same time, if I found out that they had harmed him in anyway, my claws would be out – still I have no doubt that they raised him with loads of love and affection. My heart tells me that they have done a fantastic job in raising him – I have to admit better than I could have, if I had I kept him and gone back home.

Since then, I have lately learnt that there are so many angry birth mothers out in the world, they think that their babies were stolen, and that birth mothers like me, sorry I’m stealing another blogger’s term here, have allegedly drunk too much Cool Aid.

For me, placing my son for adoption was the right thing to do (for me at the time), I do think that adoption is a good option, but I believe in a fully open adoption (learnt by experience). Closed adoptions should only take place in extreme circumstances. However, had I know what I know today about adoption – would I have made the same choice? Personally, I think I would, under my circumstances back then it was the right choice, also it would have not allowed me to be the person I am today – even with knowing how much the adoption has affected me.

Lately, I came across a book called the Primal Wound – which I have mentioned here on the blog before – and yes, in my personal opinion this book should be obligatory reading for everyone affected by adoption. It is one thing that resonates with me... that is that the best thing for the child is that that all the parents have a solid good relationship with each other – they do not have to be best friends, but without animosity against each other and always acting in the child’s best interest (OK, the adoptee might no longer be a child) and it is not always possible. No, I’m not living in fairly land but even if I hated my sons parents (which I do not) I would like to think that they have his best interest at heart and we together we would look out for his best interest.

You know, adoptive mum and dad should respect the fact that the birth parents (where both are involved) are not the devil incarnate and that they gave them a Gift of a Life, and that the birth parents, especially the birth mother appreciating that (under most circumstances and I do not include the like of Angelina Jolie and Madonna here) the adoptive parents are providing their child with something they were unable to provide at the time.

I have heard about birth mothers who wants to meet the adoptive parents to tear their hair out for stealing their child – yes, a birth mother might have been pressured and not all adoptions are “clean”. But I can only speak from my own experience.

The American’s call it an Adoption triangle, but we often forget that the child does not have a choice at the time, so it cannot be a triangle, it is a linear connection between two group of people who will affect a third party forever.

Another thing I have learnt is that some children would have preferred staying with the birth parents no matter what hand life threw them. Herein lies my only problem with adoption, us parents (both birth and adoptive) wants the best for the child, but since none of us have access to an oracle we have to rely on what we think is right. As a Cool Aid birth mother, I know that at the time despite being told a few lies (by the doctor who facilitated the adoption) it was the right decision – the only person who can tell me otherwise is my son.

Has it affected my life, hell yes, there is not a waking moment I do not think about my son, whether he is happy, how his life is going, is there anything I can do for him. Most of all, what I want most in the world is to give him a big hug and say: “I’m sorry, I could not be there for you and I hope that you know I my decision was made because I love you and not because I did not want you”.

However, since my son turned 18 I decided to be open about the fact that I’m a birth mother, even total strangers know if adoption comes up in a conversation – you will be surprised how often, and you do know what... it was one of one of the best decisions I have made.

So now, I have no shame in proclaiming I’m a birth mother searching for my son, and one of the most powerful moments was when a young lady came up to and whispered “Thank you, you are the first person I can admit I’m a one [birth mother] to, and it is so nice that I finally have someone I will understand what I’m feeling”. For years, I did not have anyone to come to and ask questions about if my feelings were natural, aside from my lovely husband (no longer with us). Actually, I have him to thank for my current feeling about adoption. He forced me to name my son (I had avoided that one...I did not want remember at the time), he was the one who insisted that if we were ever to have children (we never had a chance to have one) they will know about their brother in Greece. My Cool Aid moment comes into play – for years I was in denial – but my husband did force it out of me – forced me to accept that in Greece there is a young man walking about, living his life (hopefully a happy one) because I made a decision which has affected (and in my case) four main players - my son, his parents and me. As my son is at university and in his last year – I will not make any contact before he graduates – I do not want to disrupt his schooling – but another thing I have learnt about adoption is that it is the “long con” sorry about the pun – but going back to my opinion that adoption should always be open. If it is not, it is a con – perpetrated by all parties involved, either intentionally or by circumstance.

So at the end of this long ramble, what can I tell you... no more than this... if you are a birth parent don’t stop searching and please do not doubt you decision – if it felt right at the time, it was the right decision. For you adoptees, please search out your birth parents and meet them once (at least). Your birth mother (and birth father) made a choice based on what they thought was the best for you at the time. After that, it is the adoptees choice, us parents (we do not have a choice on this... we made that choice long time ago – despite what we hope for). For your adoptees, I’m not saying this because what I want – you should realise what I want. You need to find out, for you medical history, your (sometimes) sense of belonging, for peace of mind. I know that, when my son finds out about me, he might not like me or want any contact with me – but at least twenty years down the line he will have a choice in wanting to know me or not without fear of me rejecting him.

PS. For those who wonder – yes his is MY SON – and his adoptive parents son – even my late husband son – who was not biologically his father but still his son – in my case his biological father will be hard to trace, but if he wants to find him, I will move heaven and hell to help my son to find him – even if he [the father] is the last person on the planet I would ever see again. My son has a lot for parents, but HE ALONE can decide who he wants in his life as his parents I cannot make that choice for him – and I’m not planning to make that choice for him, if he don’t want me in his life it is a decision I will respect.

I chickened out :(

My trip here in Greece is coming to an end and despite my best intentions of visiting the area where you live I chickened out of that. If circumstances had been slightly different and my friend's girlfriend not already made plans, we would have been able to drive out there, being in the "safety" of their car would have made it easier. Unfortunately, it was not to be, so if I wanted to go I would have had to go on public transport and by myself. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I'm also not even sure if you are home this time and I have realised I was not ready for that one.

However, I did visit a few places I know you have been. Of course it was nice to see places you have been, I sort of could imagined you having a great time growing up in those areas, but the overwhelming feelings I had expected never materialised - no sure what I expected.

I even spotted a young man I thought was you for a moment, I have to admit I stared a bit too long at him, so he did noticed me. As soon as I got a chance to have a proper look at him (he was on the opposite platform from me on the metro) I realised that he was only about 15.

At least this trip has confirmed that the best way forward is for me to use my friends at Roots Research Centre an intermediate for next year. Unless, of course you or your parents contact Roots directly before that. They will approach you on my behalf next year after your graduation. I don't want to leave it longer than that, as I understand that when you boys find out too old, you are often not interested in meeting you birth mothers.

Also, I am not sure if you parents have told you anything yet. My hope is of course that they are thinking along the same line as me, that you will be shown the letter I sent to your dad after graduation. The problem is of course that you have been with them since birth. For all I know, your parents can have "faked" the pregnancy to the outside world, your "main" birth certificate shows that they are your parents and if that is the case, they might have destroyed my letter and never plan to tell you that I am your birth mother. That is of course my greatest fear, but you do have the right to know, you can then decide if you want to have any contact with me.

I have said it before, maybe not on here, but my greatest wish for the future is that you, your parents and I can become friends and have a good relationship, only time will tell on that one.

In Greece

Ok, I have arrived in Greece... but as I have said before I do not expect to get to meet you... although that is the one thing I want more than anything.

So, I'm planning to be a total tourist.. you know see all the sights run around with my camera and take loads of photos.

I still hope to catch a glimpse of you, but the main thing I'm here for is to lay the ground work for contacting you next year. You see I am trying to be sensible. If I see you, I'm not sure if I will have the courage to go up and speak to you - I have however learnt how to take each day as it come and hope for the best. At least, I will get to go somewhere you have been - a lot of people would not understand significance of that but it is important to me.

So for now, from the tourist love you kiddo

A New Day

I have felt down over the past couple of days and then I found this poem and it gave me hope

A New Day

By Alex Moskios

Yesterday it hurt so much that I could scream,

Rolled up in bed in pain and despair,

But today, by the living gods, I can hold my own,

For time – that great healer – has worked her wares,

And hope springs eternal, as the poet once put it

Yesterday the world seemed to be coming to its ending,

Myriad kisses lost on lips that lacked the sense of taste,

And every earthly beauty a fallen shire

On broken hearts and empty heads like mine.

Yesterday it would have been improper to be wise,

For cupid, that winged god, was sadden and despaired,

But today, by the great gods, a new shun shines,

And the morrow holds new joys for our hearts and minds.

So close yet so far

It has been awhile...

I haven't really written a lot lately because I'm planning a big trip where I hopefully get a chance to see you - probably not meet you but still.... better than nothing.

You see... I'm visiting Greece again soon... so for me catching a glimpse of you would be better than anything, of course meeting you would be fantastic, but my intention is to lay the ground work for contacting you next year.  I have even got you a present, now that was a hard one, what do you get you child you have never seen.  In one way I'm lucky in that I have a fair few friends your age and they all love what I got you, but whether you will like it when you finally get it I'm not sure.  The only thing I will say on here is that it is something we both like... actually I love, I hope you will appreciate it when you finally receive it.

My plan is simple, you are 21 next year and you will graduate your uni... so I thought that arranging for you got be given my present then would be good.

It is not that I would not love the chance to meet you when I'm in Greece... but I am going without expecting anything... that way should I been lucky enough to be able to meet you it will be a bonus.

For now best of luck with you exams

Love you loads kiddo

Jeremy Kyle....got it wrong yet again

Just watch an episode of the infamous Jeremy Kyle show and ended up yelling at my TV screen.

On today's show a young adopted man was brought on by his (adoptive) mother because he was lashing out against his family.   The story was, the young lad was adopted at the age of one by a lady, who had lost a previous child, and having fostered for a while wanted to adopt.  The lad had been in the foster care system for a while and apparently the (birth) mother had either lost him due to drug or had in fact died from drugs (I don't think it was clarified).  It was not that his adoption was secret and he said he was told when he was 8 years old.  The (adoptive) mother said it was earlier.  In his teens he had been violent, stolen and got into the whole drugs scene.  He had in fact ended up in prison and served his term and said he had now left that life behind him... and I say good for him.  According to the a.mum he was still into a "bad" boy and she had brought him on the show to sort it out.

What got me angry watching this was that both the adoptive mother and Jeremy Kyle did not listen to the lad.  He came across as genuinely sorry for his previous actions, in fact a bit embarrassed to have been brought on a national chat show.  Jeremy Kyle kept going on yelling at the lad with the words "You should be grateful this wonderful family has taken you in".  Could he have been any more insensitive???  Jeremy Kyle even had the nerve to say "You know the story about your biological mother and why do you want to go down the same route"  AAARGH!!!!

Maybe it because I have read the The Primal Wound I thought I recognised the whole scenario.  I could be wrong of course... but for me it appeared that the young lad and the a.mum would have benefited from reading The Primal Wound rather than going on the Jeremy Kyle show.

I just wanted jump though the TV screen and give the young lad a big hug... to me he was hurting and his lashing out was a way to express his hurt.. Maybe it because I want so much to contact you and to give you a hug, that my sympathies where with the young lad rather than with the a.mum.  I am also constantly worried about your feelings and hoping that you are not hurting in any way.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Middle brother's wife and I was chatting today on Skype and she made lovely comment about how Radouane would have been proud of me these days.  She always keeps telling me how lucky we were having him and that we were such a fantastic loving couple.

The problem is that I have, is despite constantly being told by all the Family (including extended), that the two of us were special and they aspired to our love, it has been so long since he died, I sometimes feel that my memories of him are wishful thinking and told her so.

Then my darling sister-in-law tells me that Middle Brother told her that Radouane had only eyes for me and was madly in love with me.  Just hearing that had me in tears...but made me realise that yes my memories of him are true and he and I were true soulmates.

I cannot believe that I was so lucky in finding him and that even if we only had a few years together, so to quote Lord Alfred Tennyson : "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved all"

Under pressure...

I have been reading a lot of blog posts lately about feeling under pressure when deciding when agreeing to  the adoption.  A lot of the stuff I have been reading has been about us natural/birth mothers is pressured into agreeing to the adoption.  As I said before, I was not...I had already made the decision... damn it was the hardest thing I have ever decided.  The decision to place you for adoption was made even before I decided you should stay in Greece. The closed I felt under pressure was Nikos telling me that I should not sign the papers think about it more.

If I was the person I am today, I would have listen to Nikos, but I was not the person I am today, my  back then shaped us both and neither of us would be HOW WE ARE TODAY.  When you was born,  I though placing you for adoption was the best for you and it would give you the best start in life.   Because I loved you so much, I did what I believed in my heart was the right thing for you.

The "funny" thing I feel under more pressure now... I feel pressured into contacting you... it is not that I do not want to (that is the the only thing on my mind for the moment) but I trying to be sensible.  I'm even feel pressured into have certain feelings at the moment.

I have to consider a few realities first.

1. You might not even know you are adopted... so if you do not know, I have to consider how you would react to being told your life has been a lie.
2. You are coming up to a exam period and you still have a year left at school... I don't want to disrupt your schooling in anyway, so if I have to wait a year before contacting you so be it.
3. I have to respect the fact that you might know about me and do not want to get to know me.
4. and about six million scenarios , emotions etc you might feel

In a way it is very funny that the more I read other birth mother's blogs (and sorry ladies, I'm a proud birth mother) and listing to my friends "advice" I feel more an under pressure and an outsider now than I ever did before I decided to embrace the fact that I am a BIRTH MUM.


So to my fellow birth mothers, and my so-called friends, I'm considering my son's emotions before my own, so if that makes be a bad birth mother so be it.. the only person feelings that matters for me is his.... and I have accepted the fact that I might never have a reunion, it might be a bad reunion.  SO I'M NOT RUSHING INTO MAKING CONTACT WITH YOU BEFORE THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR US.  The main person I considering in all of this is you...Ib'ni

Religion - the bane of the world

One of my adoption friends posted link to the following article at the New York Times and yet again I'm finding myself defending Islam.. and not being a Muslim I find it slightly amusing.

The thing is... being married into a Muslim family and being one of the few people I know how have read the Torah, Bible and Quran as Books... please note the emphasise on being books.  I have a come to a simple conclusion that in essence they are all the same part of a trilogy.  They actually follow on from each other so the Torah is book 1, the Bible book 2 and the Quran book 3.

But what I have learnt from the Books is that us gals aint that bad.. we are after all, aside from God (or whatever you call him/her) the only sex that can give life and from what I have learnt from the family is that us women folk is revered, we are not second class citizens.

The thing is, all this crap in the world that is being blamed on religion actually has nothing to do with the religions or the religious teaching of the Books.  They have to do with the traditions of different cultures.

For one - the wearing of the Hijab - Muslim women do not have to wear it unless they want to.  It is the same to them as a Catholic lady wearing a mantilla or a Jewish Orthodox woman wearing a wig, it is their choice.  Fair enough, personally I do not agree with the wearing of the full burka, then again, when I meet people I do like to see their eyes - I like looking into a person's eye when meeting someone, but as long as the person in question is given the choice, who am I to question their choice.

Since a lot of my belief structure is based on stuff I read about 20 years ago, I should really sit down and read the Books again.  However, I know that I'm smart enough to not tarnish a religion with the conduct of some people.

To say that Islam is an evil religion, because what a group of villagers in Bangladesh has done to a young girls, would be the same as me say that all Jews are evil, because I disagree with Israel politics or that all Catholics are child molesters because a few priest has been proven to be child abusers.

So my plea to everyone is please, please educate yourself before you start saying that a religion is evil, bad or oppressing.  What the villagers from Bangladesh needs is for you to educate them and not to condemn them. Once upon a time, it was us "educated"people who had to rely on our priests telling us what was in the Bible because we couldn't read what was in it... it is only now we can pick up the all three Books and question what's in them because we have been educated.


 

What creep... how can he call himself a man

This post has nothing about adoption but I need to get this off my chest.

Many years ago I met a young lady who at the time had two beautiful daughter and we became very good friend.  One of her daughters is ill and according to the doctors she should not be alive today... but that kid is now a beautiful young lady and remains always a true inspiration.

To cut a long story short, I moved away from the area where we lived and the mother had got herself a new boyfriend... and I didn't like him and thought he was a nasty piece of work, so I was an idiot and sort of let our friendship fizzle out.  Then over a decade later we get back in touch on one of the social networking sites and our friendship was rekindle.

It turns out that I was right about that boyfriend... OK, he gave my friend two more beautiful kids and these kids are a credit to her and her alone (all her kids are) and fair enough, I do not know his "side" of the story about their breakup etc.

For me that does not matter, I think any outsider would agree with me... how can a man... a father.. insist that the house his children lives must be sold and force their mother and them to move out.  Bear in mind that the mother is a full time carer for the ill daughter and his two children is under 12 years old.  

The proceed to hold up the equity in the property, so my friend cannot use the her share of the equity to purchase a decent property for herself and the kids.   Part of the money to buy the property in question came from her selling her previous house.

 Now he is taking his children's mother to court claiming she owes him money??  Whilst all of this goes on... he does not even pay child support for his kids and has not done of ages.

He is still trying to bully her and saying stuff like she is not entitle to certain benefits if she does this or this, as a full time care and mother of two young kids she cannot work and have to rely on the state to live, 

They have a court case coming up and he and his family (who is actually fairly well off) is going after her with their "big guns", she will be there by her lonesome.  They even said something along the lines that it is unfair that they have to pay for lawyers whilst her lawyers are being paid for by the public purse.   HELLO...if he was not taking her to court and he was paying for this kids they wouldn't have any court cost would they????     

From what my friend tells me he spent a decade trying to break her spirit and nearly succeeded... so she went from a strong fighter who would take on doctor after doctor on behalf of her young daughter to a person feeling totally insecure about herself.

What really got my goat today was he told my friend's ill daughter she would die during one of her surgeries and she was made to feel that she was a burden on the family.   How can anyone say something like that to a young teenager knowing what she has gone through in her life.

As I said, I don't know all the ins and outs of this story but I know real men... you know the type, who would walk away from a bad relationship with only the clothes on their back and rather starve than seeing their kids go without, do not emotionally and physically abuse their partners and/or kids.

What I cannot understand that how can a grown man do that to his family and still call himself a man... in my mind he is only a creep... 

The good news is that my friend is getting her strength back and his bullying tactics are now failing... she has loads of emotional support around her and no matter what happens during the case she will come out on top.




  

The Primal Wound - my thoughts so far

I have just started reading... ok, nearly finished reading Nancy Newton Verrier's book The Primal Wound, and I wish I had read this book years ago..  I haven't finished reading the book yet but I can guarantee I will end up reading it a number of times... I do that with books I like.  I will also start reading more books on adoption.

A while back I posted in Traits and quirks that I can identify with a load of adoptees character traits and nearly everything Nancy Verrier says about the effects of The Primal Wound applies to me... especially the "connection" between the child and the nurturing mother... which is very odd since I'm not an adoptee or to my knowledge I was not separated from my mother at birth.

So far in the book she has said a lot of things I totally agree with... will need to finish the book before I can say I totally agree with everything she says.  One thing I would say... this book should be compulsory reading for all prospective parents not only people in the adoption triad.  

Then again, would reading The Primal Wound any early changed anything in my life... I don't think so... as I said before fate moves in mysterious ways... so I like to think that the reason I'm reading the book now, is to prepare myself for our first contact (if and when it hopefully comes).

The only thing I know for sure, it that if I ever get to meet you I will give you a copy of this book.

Athens Runners

I have noticed lately that a number of "runners" from back in the days stumbles onto my blog...it it would be so nice if they would take the chance and contact me... it might not have know them but I would point them in the direction of some of their old friends (if I know them).

For me personally, there are a few I would like reconnect with...actually anyone who stumble upon this blog who lived/spent time in Athens in 1989/1991 I would love to hear from you.

Some folks are of course remembered more than others... but still it would be nice if you got in contact...

Believing in fate

I have been trying to figure out what my belief system is... I'm not religious, more philosophical in what I believe in.  I had always thought of myself as an agnostic, but the other day a friend and I had a discussion about fate and found that I'm a strong believer in fate.

For me fate is what shapes me, it was fate which gave you life, it was fate who took Radouane from me, it was fate that brought me his family back and one day I hope that fate will allow us to meet.

Faith for me is hope... so in essence I have faith in my fate.

It is funny that my belief system actually mirror the Greek philosophy, both modern and ancient...

Girl with the Pearl Earring

This is a fairly odd one... but the Girl with the Pearl Earring is one of my favourite painting of all time... actually the movie ain't bad either.

But then again... when you look at the picture you look at the girl's eyes you can see the hurt in there... at the same time she is so serene....it is like you are looking at the way I sometimes feel... I do try be the serene person but you still can see the hurt in my eyes.

Tried to put a picture of the painting on here but having a problem with that so here is a link to the picture http://www.art-reproductions.net/popup_image/pID/3114

Anyway, I have decided that she is a birth mother who is looking at her child from a distance.. the way I look at you.. she is looking at someone lost with love and echoing what I feel.  You are so close but so far away. agapoo yios