Saturday, 16 July 2011

I chickened out :(

My trip here in Greece is coming to an end and despite my best intentions of visiting the area where you live I chickened out of that. If circumstances had been slightly different and my friend's girlfriend not already made plans, we would have been able to drive out there, being in the "safety" of their car would have made it easier. Unfortunately, it was not to be, so if I wanted to go I would have had to go on public transport and by myself. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I'm also not even sure if you are home this time and I have realised I was not ready for that one.

However, I did visit a few places I know you have been. Of course it was nice to see places you have been, I sort of could imagined you having a great time growing up in those areas, but the overwhelming feelings I had expected never materialised - no sure what I expected.

I even spotted a young man I thought was you for a moment, I have to admit I stared a bit too long at him, so he did noticed me. As soon as I got a chance to have a proper look at him (he was on the opposite platform from me on the metro) I realised that he was only about 15.

At least this trip has confirmed that the best way forward is for me to use my friends at Roots Research Centre an intermediate for next year. Unless, of course you or your parents contact Roots directly before that. They will approach you on my behalf next year after your graduation. I don't want to leave it longer than that, as I understand that when you boys find out too old, you are often not interested in meeting you birth mothers.

Also, I am not sure if you parents have told you anything yet. My hope is of course that they are thinking along the same line as me, that you will be shown the letter I sent to your dad after graduation. The problem is of course that you have been with them since birth. For all I know, your parents can have "faked" the pregnancy to the outside world, your "main" birth certificate shows that they are your parents and if that is the case, they might have destroyed my letter and never plan to tell you that I am your birth mother. That is of course my greatest fear, but you do have the right to know, you can then decide if you want to have any contact with me.

I have said it before, maybe not on here, but my greatest wish for the future is that you, your parents and I can become friends and have a good relationship, only time will tell on that one.

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