Short but sooo sweet

Met up with Little Brother today - even told him that I call him that on here - unfortunately we did not get enough time, as his incoming flight was late and his outgoing flight was on time. It should have been opposite.

Actually, yesterday he called me Sis and I did tell him thanks for that and he said I defenetly was his Sis.

He haven't "grown" that much he is the shortest of boys in The Family, but heck, he just looks like a smaller version of Ray, and I got a couple of hugs from a member of The Family. I did write a letter to Uma & Baba for him to translate to them, I had to make sure it was not to slushy and asked hin to pass on loads of hugs from me. Hopefully I get to speak to them this week, I do want to even if I can only do it with Little Brother translating, but is better than the last 14 years - cannot believe it has been that long.

When I showed him the pictures of you he did agree that you look like Ray, he has taken you photos - the ones you have posted on FB, and its one in particular which you really look like Ray. Not sure if he will show them to Uma and Baba, but I hope he will!

He said that they (Uman & Baba) is getting old, Baba is 75 and Uma 67 so if you ever is going to get to meet you grandparents I need to do something soon.

But then again, Little Brother and I talked about your older cousin (Cousin 1) - he is really wanting to meet you - apparently he is a bit of a rocker and I think you have similar taste in music. Anyway Cousin 1 has decided that he want to get to know you, he even found someone on my friends list he thought was and added them as a friend. I did have to let him down, but he had realised himself that the person on my friends list was not you, so he deleted him.

As Cousin 1 wants to be a journalist, I gave him some clues to your identify, but as I said to Little Brother, it is so tempting to just give Cousin 1 you FB details and then leave it in his hands. So you never know, you might get a friend request from Cousin 1 one day, he will be the one who would ask you loads of strange questions. But, then again, it might actually be the best option, he could then find out what you knew - sort of finding out a lay of the land as we say here, before I made direct contact.

Little Brother agreed you are part of The Family - that means that you have a massive family so this is a my atempt of a sort of family tree!

There is Big Brother - he is married and has two kids - forgot to get details, but its still time to find out.

Then there is Big Sis - she is single so no cousins there.

Then there is Weird Brother - The Family's black sheep - you have three cousins from him, but it seems that both Little Brother and I both agree - he is definetly a Weird one and neither of us like him too much.

The there is Middle Brother - he is married and have one daughter - Middle Brother was the one who was around after Ray died and I look forward to ge to see him again one day.

The of course there is Little Sis and Little Brother - Little Sis is Cousin 1's mum and she has one other kid and Little Brother has one little boy. So that means you have 7 cousins, so far.

For now the next thing I have to look forward to is on the 14th July when I get to see Big Sis again - that might be awkward, as her English is as good as my Algerian i.e. none existent.

I actually need to start learning two language, I of course have to learn proper Greek but I also have to learn Algerian/French.

So Inchallah till we meet

Cannot wait to catch up with Little Brother

Was chatting to my brother-in-law (for now on being called Little Brother on here) last night again and cannot wait to see him next week, he also said he was looking forward to it. Even if its only for an hour or two, for now I really look forward to have a massive hug for a member of The Family.

After Monday I can start looking forward to the trip up north. Both me and my flatmate (I will need someone with me otherwise I would totally overwhelmed) are now formally invited and we do not need to find a B&B which is great. The next step is to find out when we are going, for the moment I only know that it is in August. It is quite fitting that the family reunion will happen then, as Ray died on 6th August and on the 16th August this year it would have been his 43 birthday.

But anyhow, after chatting couldn't sleep properly - was remembering Little Brother - when he was 11 and over here for the first time. He was a bit shy but a typical 11 year old - cannot believe he is 26 now and a father - where has the time gone.

He also was one of Ray's favourite brothers, think it was because he was the baby of the family. Actually I think Ray was extremely fond of his two younger brothers.

Before that awful day in August, Ray had planned to go home to Algeria for his birthday and I was asked with picking up some things for The Family. For Little Brother, I do remember picking up a Walkman - that was in the days of tapes and long before MP3 players and such - together with a tape of Oasis' Wonder Wall. I know that I never got around to give it to him, because I came across the tape some years later whilst having one of my annual clear outs. I think they both ended up in a charity shop somewhere. I need to tell him about that one Monday.

But back to Little Brother being 11 and in England for the first time - Uma, him and I had to go shopping and I took them up to Chrisp Street Market in Poplar - the poor little guy had to translate for Uma and me, and the same time he had millions of questions about England and Christmas. He was a sweetheart back then, and I know he sounds like Ray now and I hope he has turned out more like Ray than Strange Brother. (Second oldest brother, who apparently has decided not to keep in touch with The Family and I partly to blame for me losing touch with The Family.)

I did love it when The Family were over here, thinking back, I fell in love with The Family then, it is so unfortunate that we did not get more time together as a family. Then again, I am sure Ray would say that is meant to be this way, maybe his is out there somewhere and pulling some strings for me. If he is, hopefully he has some wonderful plans for us - but just know that The Family cannot wait until a day in the future where they might get to meet you.

For now I cannot wait until Monday!!!

Its "official" - you are a part of The Family

Spent a few hours online today with your aunt, uncle & cousins, it was lovely to catch up with them. I cannot believe how much I have missed having them around. But over the past couple of weeks I think I have spoken to them more that I ever did before.

I did tell them all about you & they also hope they get to met you one day. I'm so happy that they reacted to you in this way. But this is Ray's family so their reaction shouldn't surprise me! One of your cousins kept saying that he was pleased to have a older cousin in Greece.

If Uma & Baba react to you the same way it will be official & Ray was your "dad". So if I ever get to meet you, you will have a lot of family to catch up with.

For now, having The Family back is great. I have pointed them in direction of this blog and I hope they will read this one day as I hope you will.

I have something to look forward to

Spent most of last night chatting to Ray's brother which was great but I cannot believe how much I miss my "family".

It is partly my fault that I lost touch with them - but I will put some of the blame on one of my brother-in-law also - but this time around I will make sure that we stay in touch.

I am meeting up with Ray's brother on the 29th - the first time in about since he was twelve - he does seem to become more and more like Ray. They even have similar jobs... but it will be interesting to see if he agrees with most a lot of my friends in regards to Ray and you.

But I cannot wait - I will get a hug from one of The Family and I have waited nearly 13 years for one of them. I just hope that one of the other brothers gets in touch with me - if it hadn't been for him - I would not have survived the year after Ray's death.

Then I have to trip up north to look forward to - I get to see most of The Family - I have decided that I my trip to Greece will have to wait until next year (maybe we will be in touch by then), but The Family is more tangible than you and I need them back in my life.

It would be nice if I can have the whole family thing happening with them - because that means that I will have a large close knit family around me (with one exception more to be told about that later) and I haven't had that since Ray died.

I cannot believe how much I miss him, I don't think I'm over him on any shape or form, but I have always said that if I ever met someone else they would have to live with the fact that I would always love Ray and if they couldn't handle that they could get lost.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately, two reasons, the anniversary of his death is coming up shortly and being back in touch with The Family.

If I close my eyes I can see him doing is little jig - every time he did one of them (no matter how angry I was with him) - I would just think how much I loved him - I don't think he knew that if he did one of those he would be forgiven - I just wish he could do one of those again for me - damn in tears now.

You see, the last time I spoke to him I basically told him to get off the phone because I had to get down to the launderette and when he told me that he loved me I just said: "Ditto", I didn't know then that two days later I would be told he had gone forever. I wish I could have that last summer back. I didn't want him to take that bloody job in Morocco - but he wanted it - it would be good experience.

At least I had the two weeks in Morocco with him before the accident. He was due back that week for a brief stop over and he was so looking forward to go home to Algeria for his birthday - that's why he is buried there - he wanted to go home - so I let him go home. Even if I wanted him here with me.

So you see I cannot wait until the 29th when I can spend a couple of hours with Ray's little brother and why I hope we all can stay close this time.

It's nearly 19 years since I made THAT decision!!!

It's quite strange to think that about 19 years ago, I sat at the reception desk at Joy's - having realised I was expecting you and wondered what I should do next.

I remember having long "conversations" with you - I would like to think that in a strange way you helped me making my decision. I would ask you a question and you would do something pleasant if you "liked" my idea or deliver a extremely painful kick if you didn't. OK, fair enough, looking back, it is a bit far fetch to think that you could agree or disagree with me - but at the time it felt right and you seemed to "agree" with me that placing you for adoption was the right thing to do.

I was quite lucky in that I had a great pregnancy - I had no morning sickness and only felt like a whale in the last couple of weeks. My strangest craving was Ready Salted crisps and chocolate - together in a "sandwich".

We also had some fun - my 21st birthday party was great and I do think you enjoyed yourself (I was about 5 1/2 months gone by then). I remember you "dancing" along to the music at the club we had gone to. Some of the stuff you are listening to now, is stuff I would listen to when I was expecting you. Some people think there is a link there and I starting to agree - before I "found" you on FB, I had always thought that it was nurture rather than nature that shapes you but now I am not so sure.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I started to panic and I was worried I would not be able to go trough with placing you with your (adoptive) parents. So, I was pleased to be told that I had to have a Cesarean Section - you had the umbilical cord around you neck and you had decided you were going to be a breach birth. So, I jumped at the chance of a general anesthetic and the C-section, I just knew that that was the only way I could let you go.

However, I had to sign you out to the hospital and when Wilma brought you out in you little car seat I caught a glimpse of you - I had to get her to take you away as quickly as possible - so for over 18 years my memory of you have been your little chin (it hasn't changed) in the white car seat with red and blue decoration on it.

You should know that I didn't name you throughout my pregnancy, I just kept calling you son. I was toying with a few names for you, your name included - I wanted you to have a Greek name, but I didn't really want to after anyone I was close to - so eventually I decided to name you Kostas - which you were for me until February this year. That is when I realised that you had been given one of my favorite Greek boy's names.

I still haven't given up the hope that your (adoptive) parents will tell you soon. I know you are home this weekend and you have not been on you FB since Friday - which is not like you - so might be good news for me - I can but hope.

Odd couple of weeks!!

I have had a odd couple of weeks - ever since your uncle was back in touch (maybe that was a good omen). One of your cousin and your aunt has been in touch with me and taken my mind of you! I have even manage to have some me time - girly days out and all!!

But you keep surprising me - I sometimes wonder if you can "hear" me, I know at present you are not reading this blog, but since I "asked" you to not delete your Facebook status updates, you have stopped doing so, and after "asking" a few times for you to put up some more pictures of yourself, you finally have.

I love your new photos, in one you look a bit like Josh Hartnett and in the other, the way you look into the camera, is very similar to a recent photo of me. If you ever get to see it you will see what I mean. You also managed to post a link to one of my favorite tracks of one particular band - the odd thing is that in your age group not everyone would have heard about them - but your taste in music is excellent.

One of the other odd things happening, is a second person agreed with my flatmate, that Ray could have been your father. I'm starting to wonder if the reason I initially liked Ray, was that he and your father were similar in looks - Sigmund Freud might have something to say about that one... So the fact that I am getting back in touch with his family now is quite strange.

I am still trying to decided if I should make a direct approach to you... some of my friends say I should - but I'm still not sure. A friend pointed out that the reason I am worried about contacting you directly, is that I am worried that you might reject me. She is right that this is my biggest fear. However, she had a valid point - if you reject me at least I would know where I stand, but for the moment I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that. I know I should bite the bullet and make first contact, but I just think that I should give your (adoptive) parents the opportunity to tell you over the summer. In the meanwhile, I just have to resist temptation to email you through Facebook.

There have actually been a few recent cases in the news, birth mothers has found their children through Facebook. If I did that, how would that first email read, would it be something like: "Hi you don't know me but I am your birth mother". Since you don't even know that you are adopted you might think I am some sort of a loony. Then again, you might appreciate that, but for the moment I have decided that I shall give your (adoptive) parents the summer to hopefully tell you.

The final odd, thing has been that for nearly 19 year I haven't had any fellow birth mothers around me and have felt alone in my choice but now I have found other birth mothers out there who share some of my feelings. One of my fellow birth mothers posted beautiful post on her blog the other day, it did made my cry but still gave me hope for the two of us. Hopefully, one day we can have a day similar to what she had - that would be so wonderful.