Friday, 23 September 2016

Birthday's are shite

OK, I'm  not posting for ages then two in a few days....this is what happens when you go home for your birthday.

I was suddenly remembering my 21st birthday...I was pregnant with you but I have realised that I was selfish, OK not 100% true...I had just come to a conclusion with the facts as I knew them.

I thought I was doing the right thing with placing you....on my 21st I thought I had my life planned out...I thought I was on the right path, I had decided based upon what I knew at the time that placing my son for adoption was the right thing to do.

Hell, I thought I was giving someone the "gift of life" what I didn't realise what impact I had on us son might be happy with his adoptive parents, I thought hey were the best thing since a slice of bread.  They still might be..I'm not judging them, because I think they were also acting in my son's best interest

Back then I thought I was acting in my son's best interest....but I have realised that what I did was based upon what was told me was on my 21st I celebration a celebration of selfishness..not what was right.

Had I know what I know now then...I would not have celebrated...I would have mourned for the life I could have had...not celebrated the like I thought I would like...which is what I did.

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing... it has a wonderful way of showing you life like you wanted it...not the reality of the pain and suffering you would feel for the rest of your life.

So, what can I do about it...I cannot stop anyone making my choices...I can only make sure that the next me understand that the choices we make comes with pain and suffering...and when you made a decision is it no going have to live with your choice...I can teach others that their choices comes with consequences and unless you are fully informed, actually still when you are, the unicorns will never wasn't a gift of live, it was only you making a decision upon the facts you knew.

So happy birthday to me, I know I screwed now 25 years later should I celebrate my "brave" decision or see it like it truly being stupid and selfish?

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