Saturday, 23 June 2012

Birth mothers are from Mars, Adoptees are from Venus or is it the other way around?

I'm not really one for reading self help books... and there is one particular book I never had any real interest in reading and I would definitely not go out and buy.  That book is  "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".  However, when I was visiting a friend I noticed she had the book and I though just for a laugh I would read it.

Reading the book what struck me that although the book is mostly common sense advice, was how appropriate it was to adoption and reunion... or it could be that I currently see adoption in everything.  If the book related to my relationship with my husband and some of the males in my life, I'm the one from Mars and they are from Venus...that is a whole other story.

As for adoption and reunion, it is much more appropriate.  I'm not saying this is the same for all adoption reunions, it is just that I'm a firm believer in that you have to put in some work in all your relationships  In all instances, after the first honeymoon period, unless you put in some work into the relationship, the relationship would not flourish.  

It was one paragraph that totally struck a cord with me and that was:
"Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men [birth parents] and women [adoptees] are at odds with each other.  We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex [the birth parents/adoptee] because we have forgotten this important truth.  We expect the opposite sex [the birth parents/adoptee] to be more like ourselves.  We desire them to "want what we want"  and "feel the way we feel".  
We mistakenly assume that if our partners [child/birth parent] love us they will react and behave in a certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.  This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prvents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about of our differences."
What I think this is sometimes forgotten in adoption reunions... OK, this is just my personal opinion.  We spend months and years having romanticized about meeting and having a relationship with our child or birth parents.  I thin we are "in love" with the mental image our child/birth parents.  If we are lucky enough to meet our child or birth parents and the mental image doesn't marry up with the reality, rather than working on the relationship, one or both parties allows the relationship to cool.  This is why I would say "Birth mothers are from Mars, Adoptees are from Venus" sand some to the tips from the book could apply.

So if/when I get a chance to meet my son... I would treat it as  I'm in a new relationship... because that is what is would be, it is a relationship that deserves even more work than I would put in to if it was with a new partner.  

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