I have been quite on here lately, I had other stuff going on in my life... not adoption related. Although, adoption affects me a lot... there is another thing which profoundly affected my life, that is the loss of the love of my life, Radouane.
Maybe it is because it is spring and love is supposed to be in the air, I seem to have become an agony aunt to a few people and they come to me for relationship advice... I keep telling them that I'm not the right person to ask, after all I have been single since Radouane died. They often seem to want to settle for someone for right now, rather than waiting for the right one. When I tell them this, they ask ever present questions... Don't you want new partner? Wouldn't you be happier with someone to share you life with? My answers to those questions are.. If I met the right guy and I do not know.
Sometimes, I get accused of being too picky when it comes to men... what is wrong with having expectations? If I was to meet someone new, I would expect it to be someone who would respect me and respect that there are two men who holds a special place in my heart (especially as I have a tattoo stating this fact) and someone who I would connect intellectuality with... it is not like I have "given up" on love... I always say that you never know what is a round the corner.
Chatting to a lovely elderly customer, Mrs S. the other week confirmed something I firmly believe in... to have a partner should enhance your life but should not define your life. I even have a little mantra "My life is a lovely cake, to have a partner is the icing on the cake, but I do find icing sickly if I have too much of it".
My conversation with Mrs S. started with me jokingly saying something along "you never know, you might find you self a lovely toy-boy this weekend"... after all she is only in her late seventies with a spring in her step and a twinkle in her eyes. Mrs S. replied with a sad smile and said that she lost her soul mate five years ago and when I said I lost mine 17 years ago, she asked if it ever gets easier I had to say "No, but you learn to live with it".
We then started to chat about our respective soul mates. So there we was, nearly two generations apart and realising that our husbands were cut out of the same cloth... the little things they did for us, they way they encouraged us - in general, our relationships with our husbands were built on the same foundations of love, respect and trust.
I told her how annoying it is when friends (not my true friends) and family tells you that you will need to find a new partner... how they says it would be good for you and make you more happy. Believe it or not... Mrs S. has the same problem. It is like some people think Mrs S. and I cannot be happy unless we have a new partner that our life.
Mrs S. then said something which resonated with me.... people around us will never understand the way we felt about our husbands... because, no matter if our friends have been in their relationship for two weeks or 60 years, they will never have the same relationship as we had unless they were lucky like us... and found their true soul mate... so if we are picky about potential new partners, it is because we have already experienced the best person for us.
OK, I know people how are in a happy and loving relationship... it is just that from what they tell me... they are missing that little extra thing Mrs S. and I had with our husbands. Or maybe, you have to have lost your partner to realise that what you had was something so special that nothing can ever touch it again.
So, I have decided to remain "picky" when it comes to men... if, there is another guy out there for me... it will happen when it happens... I'm not going to settle for anyone just to have a new man in my life, my life is fine without one for the moment. My happiness is not depended on having a man in my life...I'm happy within myself no matter what life have thrown at me... everything else is a bonus.
