The reason why??

After posting of my letter I suddenly realised I have not explained why I decided to place my son for adoption.

It was not a decision which was easily reached. And I spent months agonising whether I was doing the right thing, even after the wheels were put in motion and my son's (adoptive) parents were found. (You might wonder why I keep putting adoptive in brackets, this is so readers of this blog will understand that to me my son's adoptive parents are his real parents - he was raised by them.)

There are a few reasons why I decided to have him adopted, but the main reason was that I did not have anything to offer him. I was working in a backpacker hostel in Athens - although I knew I would have a place to live and a job - it was not realistic to raise a child by myself in those circumstances.

Another reason was that I wanted him to have both a mother and father who were in a stable relationship and were ready to provide for him, both emotionally and financially, rather than me who was not - I was not ready to become a mother and the one thing I had learnt from my so-called family in Norway: you cannot raise a child on love alone, they tried in they own strange way!!!

But I hear you shout, you could have gone back to Norway or had an abortion. Yes I could have, but there were NO WAY I would have brought up my son around certain members of my family. I didn't have the worst childhood in the world, but it was not "normal" whatever that is. Don't get me wrong, it had a part in shaping me into the person I am today, and I am happy with myself, but I have no interest in having contact with any of them. For me, Mana was my mother and Joy's Hotel my home and as for an abortion, that's fine for others but as I loved my son since I realised I was pregnant, there was no way I could have killed (aborted) him.

I decided that, rather than not being able to provide my son with a life, where I was fully capable to take care of him and for him not having father - I was worried that I would have fallen into the trap, where he would have grown up with different "uncles" who would be there one minute and disappear from his life the next.

Another factor in my decision was also that, I was lucky in finding a family, who I was told wanted him no matter what.

I do not regret what I did and if I was able to go back I would have done it all over again, with a few minor changes. These are things which I would not blog about as they are personal to my son, his parents and me.

Now I just have to wait and see what will happen with my letter, I hope that I will get a chance to meet my son and his parents soon but have to prepare myself for not hearing anything back from them.

But I hope his parents will at least send me some photos of him.

No going back!

Today I finally had the courage to post off the letter to my son's (adoptive) father, so now there is no turning back .

I just hope that it my son want to make contact with me. But as the saying goes: "nothing ventured, nothing gained".

So all I can do now is wait and see...

I cannot believe how hard this would be

I never thought that writing a letter to my son's parents could be so difficult.

Although I have written this letter a fair few times over the past 18 years, this is the first time I have had an address to send it to.

I was going to hand write it, but after about 50 attempts, and as many changes I decided that it will remain as today's typed version.

So now I just need to include some photos and post before I rewrite it again!

What's normal?

I cannot believe the BBC News 24 allowed the mother of a 21-year old Down Syndrome lad to spend 5 minutes telling the world that if he can't get laid she will get him a hooker, all because she want him to be treated like a normal 21-year old . HELLO - a normal 21 year old would not be dragged into a newsroom by his mum to tell the world that you are a virgin. For me that is not normal, but then again, for me deciding to give my son up for adoption rather abort him is normal. Who is normal, you decide!

My dream 40th party

This year as I am turning 40th I have decided to start planning my birthday already, not much to plan anyway. My flatmate Sue and I are thinking of going to Athens, as I am already planning to going back at least once more this year.

As there is only one thing I really want for my birthday - and that would be to meet my son and for him to wanting to have some sort of relationship with me, I do not intend to do anything major.

However, it got me thinking who from my Athens days would I like the chance to meet again. As there are so many but I thought I make a "wish list" of who I would like to catch up with from back in the days. Some of the people on this list I saw as my family but for all I know I was just a ship in the night for them.

1) Mana - the main person from my days in Greece I would love to meet again, she was my Greek "mother" and I cannot think of any person who ever met her would would not remember her with found memories - she must be in her eighties if she is still around now.

2) Takis - one of my two Greek "brothers" and one of my bosses, but we did have some fun together discussing PFO's and he did get me hooked on Super Bikes for a while.

3) Nikos - my other "brother" and my personal Nicky Rourke - he was obsessed with Mickey Rourke (pre-surgery days).

4) Lino - one of my best friends ever, listing to Pink Floyd always reminds me of our sessions on the roof of Diethnes Hotel. In February when I was in Athens I got a chance to check out this old haunt but now when Christos has turned the roof into a bar it was not the same (but then it was the daytime).

5) Scoogie & Lisa - the rest of the foursome who often ended up on the roof listening to Pink Floyd, we would be laying there gazing at the Athens stars or be downstairs booging to Lino set at Jakie O.

6) George & Bindy - my two Australian blood sisters who introduced me to TISM. The funny thing about these two, is that we became friends because I caught George in bed with my so-called boyfriend. So after a quick introduction to Takis and Nikos they moved out of Zorba's Hostel and in to Joy's and our winter 1990 was born. We had converted the bar into a lounge with a massive "bed" in front of the TV where we would either chill out watching movies or eating pizza's. (I think the pizza place was still there in February).

7) Wilma, Manolis and little Elisabet - my other bosses and the rest of my "family". It was Manolis and Wilma who upon realising I was pregnant helped me in finding a decent doctor and ensuring that when I decided to give my son up for adoption everything was above board and he went to a decent family. I wonder if Wilma got her way and the family moved to South Africa and if they have had more kids.

8) Andreas, Kostas, Spiros - criky I have forgotten how much fun I had in Athens during the winter of 1990. Picnics, kit flying being taken out for family trips by Manolis, Wilma, Takis, Mana and their friends.

9) Anderas, Jonas, Sam, Said, Matthew, Crazy Patrick, Viking, Stephen, Thomas, Claus and so many more of the runners and hostel staff from back in the days, it is impossible to remember all - also just realised most of my friends back then was blokes!!! I have always been a bit of a tomboy.

Why did one of us not have the foresight to say: "I have an idea, lets all meet at Oinio Station at this date twenty years from now". Can you imaging how much fun that would have been? It would have been fun to see what have become of us all, had any of the hippies become straight laces and any of the straight laces become hippies??

Now that might have been a fun party, also as a lot of us are turning 40 this year it would have been great - hindsight is a wonderful thing - but in relity the chances of me meeting up with any of the folks from back in the days are slim. But the two runners who are around will be invite to join Sue and me in Athens.

Made a big decision!

I have decided to contact my son, or at least his father. I thought long and hard about this one, as my information is that my son's parents has now divorced I needed to make a decision whether 1) I would make first contact and 2) to whom, his mother or father.

As I think is most likely that he lives with his mother I have decided to approach his father. Hopefully, he will at least send me a photograph or two of him. I hope!!!

I just hope that if my information is correct and they did divorce that their divorce was not acrimonious and that they have a good relationship for my son's behalf.

My letter has been written and rewritten a number of times and now when I am happy about the wording, I just have to make sure it is readable, my handwriting at times can be atrocious. Then, I need to find someone to take some photos of me, so I can send down to him, hopefully he will want them.

The best present I can have for my 40th this year would be to meet him and he want to foster a releationship with me. But that is probally a bit much to ask.

Ios - where life began??

Back in spring 1990, I dated an idiot called Ali (1 minute after hitting me, he became an ex!) But this made my boss, Manolis decided I needed a holiday. As my friends Lino & Lisa worked in Ios, of I went to the island of sex, drugs & rocknroll. I can't remember who came with me (so sorry!) But what I do recall was the Danish brothers Eric & Per. Eric & me ended up one night on the beach by the harbour...About 3 months later Manolis asked me if I was pregnant - the question was, Eric or Ali??!

Liberating

Since returning from Greece I've decided that my son should no longer be an open secret, in the past I mention when suitable, but now he is out in the open.

So this weekend, at a friend's hen party, it felt so liberating to be able to say “yes, an 18-old son, who lives in Athens with adoptive parents.”when asked if I got kids.

I've however decided not to name him here as I'm not sure if he knows yet.

My next big decision will be if I make first contact or not.

To meet him will be truely liberating!