Giving up...

I'm giving up...but still not sure if it is my dreams or hopes I'm giving up for good but I know one of them has given up the ghost.

Again, I'm at "home" in Athens...going to places my son might be or has been and hoping for this intense reaction to we have been in the same place...I must feel something.

Everytime I come to Athens I hoped we make a connection somehow...whether it was meeting him or be somewhere he had been....I expected to feel something....OK last year I did see him...and wow that was intense.

This year I have been to numerous places I know he has been...not at any stage did I feel that connection that I expected.  

This year I have realised that if he knows about me...he is not ready yet....if he doesn't know he is in for a hell of a shock.  Personally, I think he knows...but I have realised that he might not have any interest in meeting me or having any contact. Or it is not the right time in his life.

So, I give up....I no longer hope/dream that he will contact me...still whenever he is ready...which might be never...I still will be there for him,  However, I have given up on me meeting or contacting him...if it is meant to happen it will be on his terms.

I have to resign myself to the fact that he might not EVER want to know me or meet me.

So, I'm keeping the door open for him...it is just that I will longer chase my dreams/hopes.