I'm wondering who many out there like me?

OK, I have been a bit quite on the blogging front... it is just that I have not had too much to say, then I read this post over at my favorite blog Musing of the Lame.  Yes, the post fully resonate with me..still it made me wonder...how many of my fellow birth mothers, found themselves in a foreign country when they made THAT fateful decision?

If there are any other birth mothers out there who placed their child in a country they felt at home in but not their home country....for me the old adage of "Home is where your heart is at" impacted on my decision to place my son for adoption.  Had I not felt at home in Greece, I would not have placed my son there....for me it was a bit like: "I love Greece and I want to leave something of me in Greece".  Yes, now I know that is not a valid reason....still as a 21 year old scared girl it was the right thing to do...selfish yes...still something which felt right at the time.

Reading other blogs and other birth mothers narratives, I recognize their feelings...they mirror my own...still... it is always that one thing that is missing.. their child was placed in their home country...not in a foreign country.

So my question is simple hard....how do you deal with having to deal with your emotions and to top it all, wondering how to prepare for your search and potential reunion taking into account that you might not speak your child's native language, comprehend their culture and at the same time acting within their home country's laws.

Would you like me, try to learn their language, do whatever you can do within the laws of your child's country to facilitate a reunion or do you go full steam ahead..(I have contact details for my son) and just drop the bombshell that you want a reunion?

For me it is simple, my son's feelings and welfare is more important that mine, even it it means that I'm currently in a emotional limbo...I will just have to wait to the time is right...no matter how much I want it to happen right NOW.

Thoughts of a birth mother

I was asked to write something on a Greek adoption group - as a birth mother looking for my son, the more I wrote I realised it deserved a post on my blog with a link on the group. So here goes and I will apologise if this is long and rambling.

Some twenty years ago, I lived in Greece and found myself pregnant, my circumstances was such that I could not keep my son, deep down I wanted to find a way to remain in Greece and raise him myself, but being a 21 year old foreigner in Greece made that impossible. So, I decided on the next best thing and that was to arrange for him to be adopted into Greek family. At the time, I was told that my son would always be told about me and I hoped that when he turned 18 he might even come looking for me.

Just after he turned 18, I came looking for him, because my life had changed and I wanted it to be easy for him to track me down. I managed to get hold of his parents address and wrote to them with my contact details, asking them to pass on these to my son when he was ready. Now, two years later I still have not heard anything from them, but I can understand their reluctance making contact with me.

You see, if I was in their shoes I might see myself as a threat to them, but far from it, you see in my eyes I'm just the "birth mother" not his mum, that is his adoptive mother. The last thing I want to do is to do anything to destroy my son’s relationship with his parents (his real parents).

The thing is, there is nothing more I want than having a relationship with my son and his parents, and for the record, I cannot thank them enough. From what I have learnt, they have raised a wonderful young man who they should be very proud of (from what I have learnt about him I am very PROUD of him). At the same time, if I found out that they had harmed him in anyway, my claws would be out – still I have no doubt that they raised him with loads of love and affection. My heart tells me that they have done a fantastic job in raising him – I have to admit better than I could have, if I had I kept him and gone back home.

Since then, I have lately learnt that there are so many angry birth mothers out in the world, they think that their babies were stolen, and that birth mothers like me, sorry I’m stealing another blogger’s term here, have allegedly drunk too much Cool Aid.

For me, placing my son for adoption was the right thing to do (for me at the time), I do think that adoption is a good option, but I believe in a fully open adoption (learnt by experience). Closed adoptions should only take place in extreme circumstances. However, had I know what I know today about adoption – would I have made the same choice? Personally, I think I would, under my circumstances back then it was the right choice, also it would have not allowed me to be the person I am today – even with knowing how much the adoption has affected me.

Lately, I came across a book called the Primal Wound – which I have mentioned here on the blog before – and yes, in my personal opinion this book should be obligatory reading for everyone affected by adoption. It is one thing that resonates with me... that is that the best thing for the child is that that all the parents have a solid good relationship with each other – they do not have to be best friends, but without animosity against each other and always acting in the child’s best interest (OK, the adoptee might no longer be a child) and it is not always possible. No, I’m not living in fairly land but even if I hated my sons parents (which I do not) I would like to think that they have his best interest at heart and we together we would look out for his best interest.

You know, adoptive mum and dad should respect the fact that the birth parents (where both are involved) are not the devil incarnate and that they gave them a Gift of a Life, and that the birth parents, especially the birth mother appreciating that (under most circumstances and I do not include the like of Angelina Jolie and Madonna here) the adoptive parents are providing their child with something they were unable to provide at the time.

I have heard about birth mothers who wants to meet the adoptive parents to tear their hair out for stealing their child – yes, a birth mother might have been pressured and not all adoptions are “clean”. But I can only speak from my own experience.

The American’s call it an Adoption triangle, but we often forget that the child does not have a choice at the time, so it cannot be a triangle, it is a linear connection between two group of people who will affect a third party forever.

Another thing I have learnt is that some children would have preferred staying with the birth parents no matter what hand life threw them. Herein lies my only problem with adoption, us parents (both birth and adoptive) wants the best for the child, but since none of us have access to an oracle we have to rely on what we think is right. As a Cool Aid birth mother, I know that at the time despite being told a few lies (by the doctor who facilitated the adoption) it was the right decision – the only person who can tell me otherwise is my son.

Has it affected my life, hell yes, there is not a waking moment I do not think about my son, whether he is happy, how his life is going, is there anything I can do for him. Most of all, what I want most in the world is to give him a big hug and say: “I’m sorry, I could not be there for you and I hope that you know I my decision was made because I love you and not because I did not want you”.

However, since my son turned 18 I decided to be open about the fact that I’m a birth mother, even total strangers know if adoption comes up in a conversation – you will be surprised how often, and you do know what... it was one of one of the best decisions I have made.

So now, I have no shame in proclaiming I’m a birth mother searching for my son, and one of the most powerful moments was when a young lady came up to and whispered “Thank you, you are the first person I can admit I’m a one [birth mother] to, and it is so nice that I finally have someone I will understand what I’m feeling”. For years, I did not have anyone to come to and ask questions about if my feelings were natural, aside from my lovely husband (no longer with us). Actually, I have him to thank for my current feeling about adoption. He forced me to name my son (I had avoided that one...I did not want remember at the time), he was the one who insisted that if we were ever to have children (we never had a chance to have one) they will know about their brother in Greece. My Cool Aid moment comes into play – for years I was in denial – but my husband did force it out of me – forced me to accept that in Greece there is a young man walking about, living his life (hopefully a happy one) because I made a decision which has affected (and in my case) four main players - my son, his parents and me. As my son is at university and in his last year – I will not make any contact before he graduates – I do not want to disrupt his schooling – but another thing I have learnt about adoption is that it is the “long con” sorry about the pun – but going back to my opinion that adoption should always be open. If it is not, it is a con – perpetrated by all parties involved, either intentionally or by circumstance.

So at the end of this long ramble, what can I tell you... no more than this... if you are a birth parent don’t stop searching and please do not doubt you decision – if it felt right at the time, it was the right decision. For you adoptees, please search out your birth parents and meet them once (at least). Your birth mother (and birth father) made a choice based on what they thought was the best for you at the time. After that, it is the adoptees choice, us parents (we do not have a choice on this... we made that choice long time ago – despite what we hope for). For your adoptees, I’m not saying this because what I want – you should realise what I want. You need to find out, for you medical history, your (sometimes) sense of belonging, for peace of mind. I know that, when my son finds out about me, he might not like me or want any contact with me – but at least twenty years down the line he will have a choice in wanting to know me or not without fear of me rejecting him.

PS. For those who wonder – yes his is MY SON – and his adoptive parents son – even my late husband son – who was not biologically his father but still his son – in my case his biological father will be hard to trace, but if he wants to find him, I will move heaven and hell to help my son to find him – even if he [the father] is the last person on the planet I would ever see again. My son has a lot for parents, but HE ALONE can decide who he wants in his life as his parents I cannot make that choice for him – and I’m not planning to make that choice for him, if he don’t want me in his life it is a decision I will respect.

I chickened out :(

My trip here in Greece is coming to an end and despite my best intentions of visiting the area where you live I chickened out of that. If circumstances had been slightly different and my friend's girlfriend not already made plans, we would have been able to drive out there, being in the "safety" of their car would have made it easier. Unfortunately, it was not to be, so if I wanted to go I would have had to go on public transport and by myself. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I'm also not even sure if you are home this time and I have realised I was not ready for that one.

However, I did visit a few places I know you have been. Of course it was nice to see places you have been, I sort of could imagined you having a great time growing up in those areas, but the overwhelming feelings I had expected never materialised - no sure what I expected.

I even spotted a young man I thought was you for a moment, I have to admit I stared a bit too long at him, so he did noticed me. As soon as I got a chance to have a proper look at him (he was on the opposite platform from me on the metro) I realised that he was only about 15.

At least this trip has confirmed that the best way forward is for me to use my friends at Roots Research Centre an intermediate for next year. Unless, of course you or your parents contact Roots directly before that. They will approach you on my behalf next year after your graduation. I don't want to leave it longer than that, as I understand that when you boys find out too old, you are often not interested in meeting you birth mothers.

Also, I am not sure if you parents have told you anything yet. My hope is of course that they are thinking along the same line as me, that you will be shown the letter I sent to your dad after graduation. The problem is of course that you have been with them since birth. For all I know, your parents can have "faked" the pregnancy to the outside world, your "main" birth certificate shows that they are your parents and if that is the case, they might have destroyed my letter and never plan to tell you that I am your birth mother. That is of course my greatest fear, but you do have the right to know, you can then decide if you want to have any contact with me.

I have said it before, maybe not on here, but my greatest wish for the future is that you, your parents and I can become friends and have a good relationship, only time will tell on that one.

So close yet so far

It has been awhile...

I haven't really written a lot lately because I'm planning a big trip where I hopefully get a chance to see you - probably not meet you but still.... better than nothing.

You see... I'm visiting Greece again soon... so for me catching a glimpse of you would be better than anything, of course meeting you would be fantastic, but my intention is to lay the ground work for contacting you next year.  I have even got you a present, now that was a hard one, what do you get you child you have never seen.  In one way I'm lucky in that I have a fair few friends your age and they all love what I got you, but whether you will like it when you finally get it I'm not sure.  The only thing I will say on here is that it is something we both like... actually I love, I hope you will appreciate it when you finally receive it.

My plan is simple, you are 21 next year and you will graduate your uni... so I thought that arranging for you got be given my present then would be good.

It is not that I would not love the chance to meet you when I'm in Greece... but I am going without expecting anything... that way should I been lucky enough to be able to meet you it will be a bonus.

For now best of luck with you exams

Love you loads kiddo

Our emotional roller coaster

A fellow blogger reminded me of the emotional roller coaster people affected by adoption is riding. The one minute we are high on life - we feel invincible and ready for anything the world can throw at us. The next we are at the edge of a black hole, we are insecure, and in desperate need of someone to let us know we are loved.

Over the past year... still cannot believe it is just over a year since my trip to Greece and my journey started in earnest...my roller coaster has been at its most extreme.

Having "access" to you has been a blessing and a curse - not everyone in our situation is that lucky. The good thing is also that if you know about me.... you have "access" to me and the family.

Also finding other people in our situation has been helpful...it is great to know that you are not alone - there are other people who experiences similar emotions to your own.

I personally have euphoric moments when I think you know about me and even is in contact with Cousin 1 - just waiting for the right moment to make contact. The next moment, I'm totally insecure... I keep wondering if I have done anything wrong, why haven't so and so spoken to me for a while, does anyone love me etc.

Luckily, I have really good friends who try to support me the best they can, my "adoption friends" how understands what I'm going through and not forgetting the family.

Over the past couple of days, Little Brother and I have had a couple long conversations and I think I have persuaded him to come to Greece with me. He actually pulled me back from my latest black hole.

That would be nice if Little Brother comes with me to Greece, because if we made contact I will have someone there supporting me (selfish I know), but if it went wrong...

But for now, I'm looking forward to go up north and to spend a weekend with Little Brother next month.

It's nearly 19 years since I made THAT decision!!!

It's quite strange to think that about 19 years ago, I sat at the reception desk at Joy's - having realised I was expecting you and wondered what I should do next.

I remember having long "conversations" with you - I would like to think that in a strange way you helped me making my decision. I would ask you a question and you would do something pleasant if you "liked" my idea or deliver a extremely painful kick if you didn't. OK, fair enough, looking back, it is a bit far fetch to think that you could agree or disagree with me - but at the time it felt right and you seemed to "agree" with me that placing you for adoption was the right thing to do.

I was quite lucky in that I had a great pregnancy - I had no morning sickness and only felt like a whale in the last couple of weeks. My strangest craving was Ready Salted crisps and chocolate - together in a "sandwich".

We also had some fun - my 21st birthday party was great and I do think you enjoyed yourself (I was about 5 1/2 months gone by then). I remember you "dancing" along to the music at the club we had gone to. Some of the stuff you are listening to now, is stuff I would listen to when I was expecting you. Some people think there is a link there and I starting to agree - before I "found" you on FB, I had always thought that it was nurture rather than nature that shapes you but now I am not so sure.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I started to panic and I was worried I would not be able to go trough with placing you with your (adoptive) parents. So, I was pleased to be told that I had to have a Cesarean Section - you had the umbilical cord around you neck and you had decided you were going to be a breach birth. So, I jumped at the chance of a general anesthetic and the C-section, I just knew that that was the only way I could let you go.

However, I had to sign you out to the hospital and when Wilma brought you out in you little car seat I caught a glimpse of you - I had to get her to take you away as quickly as possible - so for over 18 years my memory of you have been your little chin (it hasn't changed) in the white car seat with red and blue decoration on it.

You should know that I didn't name you throughout my pregnancy, I just kept calling you son. I was toying with a few names for you, your name included - I wanted you to have a Greek name, but I didn't really want to after anyone I was close to - so eventually I decided to name you Kostas - which you were for me until February this year. That is when I realised that you had been given one of my favorite Greek boy's names.

I still haven't given up the hope that your (adoptive) parents will tell you soon. I know you are home this weekend and you have not been on you FB since Friday - which is not like you - so might be good news for me - I can but hope.

Odd couple of weeks!!

I have had a odd couple of weeks - ever since your uncle was back in touch (maybe that was a good omen). One of your cousin and your aunt has been in touch with me and taken my mind of you! I have even manage to have some me time - girly days out and all!!

But you keep surprising me - I sometimes wonder if you can "hear" me, I know at present you are not reading this blog, but since I "asked" you to not delete your Facebook status updates, you have stopped doing so, and after "asking" a few times for you to put up some more pictures of yourself, you finally have.

I love your new photos, in one you look a bit like Josh Hartnett and in the other, the way you look into the camera, is very similar to a recent photo of me. If you ever get to see it you will see what I mean. You also managed to post a link to one of my favorite tracks of one particular band - the odd thing is that in your age group not everyone would have heard about them - but your taste in music is excellent.

One of the other odd things happening, is a second person agreed with my flatmate, that Ray could have been your father. I'm starting to wonder if the reason I initially liked Ray, was that he and your father were similar in looks - Sigmund Freud might have something to say about that one... So the fact that I am getting back in touch with his family now is quite strange.

I am still trying to decided if I should make a direct approach to you... some of my friends say I should - but I'm still not sure. A friend pointed out that the reason I am worried about contacting you directly, is that I am worried that you might reject me. She is right that this is my biggest fear. However, she had a valid point - if you reject me at least I would know where I stand, but for the moment I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that. I know I should bite the bullet and make first contact, but I just think that I should give your (adoptive) parents the opportunity to tell you over the summer. In the meanwhile, I just have to resist temptation to email you through Facebook.

There have actually been a few recent cases in the news, birth mothers has found their children through Facebook. If I did that, how would that first email read, would it be something like: "Hi you don't know me but I am your birth mother". Since you don't even know that you are adopted you might think I am some sort of a loony. Then again, you might appreciate that, but for the moment I have decided that I shall give your (adoptive) parents the summer to hopefully tell you.

The final odd, thing has been that for nearly 19 year I haven't had any fellow birth mothers around me and have felt alone in my choice but now I have found other birth mothers out there who share some of my feelings. One of my fellow birth mothers posted beautiful post on her blog the other day, it did made my cry but still gave me hope for the two of us. Hopefully, one day we can have a day similar to what she had - that would be so wonderful.

It's strange, its easier to "speak" to you this way

Its quite strange that I find it quite easy to "speak" to you in this way!! I think its because I know you is not reading this as I write it. I also know that if my mother had bothered to write to me in like this in any way, I might not have the same problems with her as I do have - more on that when we hopefully are face to face. I still hope I can get you to read this soon, and hopefully I write this in the way you would like.

Anyway, I am trying not to read to much into what is posted on your profile, but I got the feeling that you are doing what I normally do. If you are anything like me, you will let friends think that some of the stuff they say is all a joke and you don't mind it - but as I said, if you are anything like me - it does affect you - so I say it from experience they are laughing with you not at you!!

This is not the reason for tonight's blog anyway - the other day - when I was blogging to ensure I did not do something stupid, I finished my blog and started chatting to your uncle. A couple of hours later (and too late for my normal beauty sleep) we finally finished. But it made me realise, you and Ray are my two loves (I'm being corny) and since chatting to you uncle (he is only 8 years older than you) I realised how much I miss Ray.

So today, feeling a bit nostalgic, I went through my old photographs and came across my favourite picture of Ray. It made me cry over him, rather that you today, but that might have been good for my soul!!!

As hindsight is such a wonderful thing, it is quite weird to think that if life had gone my way, Ray would have been your (step)father. But thinking about Ray got me worked up, luckily my flatmate was at hand (that's the one who is coming to Greece with me) so I was able to have a good old fashion cry. Another thing she said, and I totally agree with, is that when looking at my favourite picture of Ray and you profile picture, you might have been father and son. I do agree - for me, aside from fate, Ray is your father - so if you ever read this - it probably would be easier for you to say that Ray is your father, rather than Ali (that will be your choice, just let me know so I don't put my foot in it). At least with Ray you have some family history and he was not a ship in the night like Ali.

A old acquaintance of me is a good artist and if I ever should see her again I will get her to do a sketch with you both in it - I might even try to get that done anyway, it would be a lovely picture.

Meanwhile, its quite nice (don't that this the wrong way - but its is good for my health ) to think that being back in touch with the Family (Ray's family) is meant to be, together with some of my other old friends. I will not allow the cynic in me allowing me to think that the end is neigh. But with them around, you are not no my mind ever second of the day, which is good.

The funny thing is that unless I had found Sam's site last year I wouldn't even have started my blog nor would I have got back in touch with the Family or you, so thank you Sam.

Your extended family

Aside from you, there have only been one true love in my life & that was Radouane (or Ray as he liked to be called) - he is not the guy in the middle of course!!! Different type of love of course but still my to only true loves!!

It would have been great if I had met him before you were born - but I wouldn't have met him if you had not been placed for adoption in Greece - and as he is no longer with us you will never get the chance to meet him. Life can be a bitch in that way.

I met him shortly after I arrived in the UK and we were together for about 4 years - we were married for only 1 1/2 years before he died but we often discussed you. I think it might have been his reaction to being told about you which made me fall for him so hard.

Your dad & Ray was as different as night & day. If only Ray had been your dad! He was the one who suggested we try to get you back, I was the one (stupidly) who said you would better off with your (adoptive) parents. I hope you will agree with me.

One of Ray's brothers added me on Facebook the other day and I emailed him - the scary thing is that last time I saw him he was a naught 12-year old. He emailed me back saying that he has been living the the UK for the past 10 years and have a 3-year old boy (this means that 3 of Ray's brothers lives in the UK). I hope I will get a chance to catch up with the boys soon, its to bad we drifted apart but without Ray we didn't have to much in common - nor do I speak French so I could not keep in touch with my in-laws in Algeria. But, I class Ray's family as my family (rather than my Norwegian family) even if I haven't seen them for years - and I have proudly kept his surname for all these years. Actually, its not that different from yours.

The email got me thinking - you have a quite a large "extended family". From Ray's side of the family, 4 uncles and 2 aunts and to my knowledge 4 cousins, 3 boys and 1 girl. Actually, I think two of the cousins are about your age now - OK you are the oldest, but they are only a couple of years younger than you.

Hopefully, both of us will get to meet up with the Algerian branch of the family one day.

On my side you have 3 uncles and 1 aunt and I think, 1 cousin - a girl, but Ray's family is whom I would say are your family rather than the others - but if you ever wanted to contact your Norwegian family, I wouldn't have any problems with you doing that, even if I don't want to have contact with some of them myself.

Any not forgetting my London "family", they are are also important to me - and they are probably the first ones you would meet if you ever wanted to come to London to see me.

I don't think you have any brother or sisters in Greece and you are my only child, but you have actually quite a large family you might want to meet one day. But one step at the time - first you need to find out you are adopted and decide if you want to meet me.

I have also - thanks to a fellow birth mother - realised the reason I keep dissolving into tears for the moment - is that I'm actually grieving for you. She directed me to a blog entry which described something called disenfranchised grief. I have included a link for this http://www.ringsurf.com/ring_browser.php?id=1655846 scroll down to the November 2, 2008 entry entitled: ‘Validation…a necessary part of the healing journey’. I found it very helpful although I don't agree with all she say. I still believe that placing a child of adoption is often the best option for everyone.

I still hope that I can get you to read this blog one day and hopefully it will make it easier for you to understand me.

Πολλή αγάπη από την μαμά xxx

PS the girls are going to call you a cutie pie cause you are one so you need to get used to that one.

Why I am trying to contact you now!!

Someone pointed out that one of the questions you might as me is why do I want to contact you now.

There are many reasons - but don't think for a moment that I haven't thought about contacting you long before now. But the main reason is you are now 18-years old and a man. So you can decide yourself if you want to meet me or not. Of course, I hope that you want to meet me and remain in contact - but this is your decision - you might not want to have anything to do with me.

I should also let you know that I did back in the early 90's together with Ray (my late husband) consider if we should go to Greece and try to "reclaim" you. At the time I still thought you would grow up being told you were adopted (the fact you were supposed to be told was a deciding factor me agreeing to the adoption). So what we decided that we would leave it but we did decided that should we have kids they would be told about you. Unfortunately, Ray was killed in a car crash in 1995, so you don't have any siblings from my side (don't know about your bio dad though).

Since Ray died, I have thought about contacting your more and more, but as I always thought you would have been told about the adoption I thought I leave it you where 18 and then make sure I did everything possible to ensure that if you want to contact me you have all my contact details.

But after the reaction I got from your (adoptive) dad when I spoke to him - I now know that their promise of letting you know from as early age as possible has not been kept. Then again, I should give them the benefit of doubt, the right opportunity to tell you might not have arisen.

I am trying to think of way to make contact with you - I do not want to do anything that would alienate you from either your (adoptive) parents or me. But I might have not choice but to take that risk.

The person who pointed out that you might ask me why now also suggested that I contact you through you social networking profile. He suggested that I email you my details and just say I'm your biological mother - personally I think that might be more risky than doing what I'm thinking - which is to visit Greece and where you go to uni. I just hope that if I see you I have the strength to not approach you or if the unlikely happened and we got to meet that you were the one to make the approach.

I'm still contemplation sending a letter to your (adoptive) mum to see if I get a better response that your (adoptive) dad. But I do have a niggling little thought in the back of my head - what if you already know and don't want to have anything to do with me!!! My gut instinct says you don't know.

So for now, I still have a couple of months before September to decided what to do.

At least I have a opportunity to get to know a bit about you - even if its the just a small part of you - through you social networking page (I just wish you put some more photos on there and stop clearing some of your updates before I get a chance to translate them).

I have to admit, I'm currently trying to find out as much as possible about your interests - I love the movies you like and I wondering if you would love some of my favourite titles? Have you ever see City of God, Romper Stomper, Virgin Suicides amongst a few?

As for your favorite author, I have started to read his books and I have to admit I do like him, even if he was never on my radar before. What do you think about Mikis Theodorakis? He was the reason I fell in love with Greece and I am not talking about Zorba The Greek but, his more political stuff. By the way, whatever if afoot on Wendsday - be careful will you - but do make me proud.

Freakishly, I sometimes get the feeling that I should check your profile and you have posted something within the past hour or even minutes. I do sometimes wonder if you sense me and if you saw me if you would have this sense of a connection or if this is only wishful thinking on my part. We just have to wait to September to see (I still don't now if you would still be there or somewhere else).


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It is you!!!!

I did something naughty today, I set up another profile on the social networking site I thought I found you on, just so I could check out your profile. (As a side note I notice I direct these post directly to you now rather that talking about you in the third person).

It is too many coincidence that this is not you, even if your birth year is wrong, but I have a feeling this is a thing a lot of teenagers do.

Looking at the profile I am more and more certain that you are my son. I can see some resemblance in the picture, although the bad news is that I don't think you was conceived in Ios, which means that your dad must have been Ali (you are a Greek of Norwegian/Iranian decent, nice combination).

But it looks like we like similar things, I think we have similar tastes in movies, music and computer games. The only thing that concerns me is that it looks like you might be at university in Northern Greece, so you might not be around in September. I am still hoping that I will have a positive response to my letter to your (adoptive) dad. It might also have something to do with why I haven't heard anything back yet. Your profile also explain another thing I found online which I thought was you, when I show that to my flatmate she said she could see a similarity.

I hope that over the next few weeks in some sort of strange way you might realised that I want to get to know you and you post some more photo's of yourself.

In the meantime, I have to resist the temptation to make direct contact, as I am still not what you have been told. Just know that I want to meet you sooner rather than later and that I love you.

The reason why??

After posting of my letter I suddenly realised I have not explained why I decided to place my son for adoption.

It was not a decision which was easily reached. And I spent months agonising whether I was doing the right thing, even after the wheels were put in motion and my son's (adoptive) parents were found. (You might wonder why I keep putting adoptive in brackets, this is so readers of this blog will understand that to me my son's adoptive parents are his real parents - he was raised by them.)

There are a few reasons why I decided to have him adopted, but the main reason was that I did not have anything to offer him. I was working in a backpacker hostel in Athens - although I knew I would have a place to live and a job - it was not realistic to raise a child by myself in those circumstances.

Another reason was that I wanted him to have both a mother and father who were in a stable relationship and were ready to provide for him, both emotionally and financially, rather than me who was not - I was not ready to become a mother and the one thing I had learnt from my so-called family in Norway: you cannot raise a child on love alone, they tried in they own strange way!!!

But I hear you shout, you could have gone back to Norway or had an abortion. Yes I could have, but there were NO WAY I would have brought up my son around certain members of my family. I didn't have the worst childhood in the world, but it was not "normal" whatever that is. Don't get me wrong, it had a part in shaping me into the person I am today, and I am happy with myself, but I have no interest in having contact with any of them. For me, Mana was my mother and Joy's Hotel my home and as for an abortion, that's fine for others but as I loved my son since I realised I was pregnant, there was no way I could have killed (aborted) him.

I decided that, rather than not being able to provide my son with a life, where I was fully capable to take care of him and for him not having father - I was worried that I would have fallen into the trap, where he would have grown up with different "uncles" who would be there one minute and disappear from his life the next.

Another factor in my decision was also that, I was lucky in finding a family, who I was told wanted him no matter what.

I do not regret what I did and if I was able to go back I would have done it all over again, with a few minor changes. These are things which I would not blog about as they are personal to my son, his parents and me.

Now I just have to wait and see what will happen with my letter, I hope that I will get a chance to meet my son and his parents soon but have to prepare myself for not hearing anything back from them.

But I hope his parents will at least send me some photos of him.

My dream 40th party

This year as I am turning 40th I have decided to start planning my birthday already, not much to plan anyway. My flatmate Sue and I are thinking of going to Athens, as I am already planning to going back at least once more this year.

As there is only one thing I really want for my birthday - and that would be to meet my son and for him to wanting to have some sort of relationship with me, I do not intend to do anything major.

However, it got me thinking who from my Athens days would I like the chance to meet again. As there are so many but I thought I make a "wish list" of who I would like to catch up with from back in the days. Some of the people on this list I saw as my family but for all I know I was just a ship in the night for them.

1) Mana - the main person from my days in Greece I would love to meet again, she was my Greek "mother" and I cannot think of any person who ever met her would would not remember her with found memories - she must be in her eighties if she is still around now.

2) Takis - one of my two Greek "brothers" and one of my bosses, but we did have some fun together discussing PFO's and he did get me hooked on Super Bikes for a while.

3) Nikos - my other "brother" and my personal Nicky Rourke - he was obsessed with Mickey Rourke (pre-surgery days).

4) Lino - one of my best friends ever, listing to Pink Floyd always reminds me of our sessions on the roof of Diethnes Hotel. In February when I was in Athens I got a chance to check out this old haunt but now when Christos has turned the roof into a bar it was not the same (but then it was the daytime).

5) Scoogie & Lisa - the rest of the foursome who often ended up on the roof listening to Pink Floyd, we would be laying there gazing at the Athens stars or be downstairs booging to Lino set at Jakie O.

6) George & Bindy - my two Australian blood sisters who introduced me to TISM. The funny thing about these two, is that we became friends because I caught George in bed with my so-called boyfriend. So after a quick introduction to Takis and Nikos they moved out of Zorba's Hostel and in to Joy's and our winter 1990 was born. We had converted the bar into a lounge with a massive "bed" in front of the TV where we would either chill out watching movies or eating pizza's. (I think the pizza place was still there in February).

7) Wilma, Manolis and little Elisabet - my other bosses and the rest of my "family". It was Manolis and Wilma who upon realising I was pregnant helped me in finding a decent doctor and ensuring that when I decided to give my son up for adoption everything was above board and he went to a decent family. I wonder if Wilma got her way and the family moved to South Africa and if they have had more kids.

8) Andreas, Kostas, Spiros - criky I have forgotten how much fun I had in Athens during the winter of 1990. Picnics, kit flying being taken out for family trips by Manolis, Wilma, Takis, Mana and their friends.

9) Anderas, Jonas, Sam, Said, Matthew, Crazy Patrick, Viking, Stephen, Thomas, Claus and so many more of the runners and hostel staff from back in the days, it is impossible to remember all - also just realised most of my friends back then was blokes!!! I have always been a bit of a tomboy.

Why did one of us not have the foresight to say: "I have an idea, lets all meet at Oinio Station at this date twenty years from now". Can you imaging how much fun that would have been? It would have been fun to see what have become of us all, had any of the hippies become straight laces and any of the straight laces become hippies??

Now that might have been a fun party, also as a lot of us are turning 40 this year it would have been great - hindsight is a wonderful thing - but in relity the chances of me meeting up with any of the folks from back in the days are slim. But the two runners who are around will be invite to join Sue and me in Athens.

Ios - where life began??

Back in spring 1990, I dated an idiot called Ali (1 minute after hitting me, he became an ex!) But this made my boss, Manolis decided I needed a holiday. As my friends Lino & Lisa worked in Ios, of I went to the island of sex, drugs & rocknroll. I can't remember who came with me (so sorry!) But what I do recall was the Danish brothers Eric & Per. Eric & me ended up one night on the beach by the harbour...About 3 months later Manolis asked me if I was pregnant - the question was, Eric or Ali??!

Liberating

Since returning from Greece I've decided that my son should no longer be an open secret, in the past I mention when suitable, but now he is out in the open.

So this weekend, at a friend's hen party, it felt so liberating to be able to say “yes, an 18-old son, who lives in Athens with adoptive parents.”when asked if I got kids.

I've however decided not to name him here as I'm not sure if he knows yet.

My next big decision will be if I make first contact or not.

To meet him will be truely liberating!

Finally started my blog

Having spend a hour or so creating my new blog, I have decided that all my facebook friends deserve to see it.

I was never a good writer nor did I ever keep a diary, but as this blog is dedicated to a young man in Greece, I feel it is my duty to ensure I at least attempt to keep writing, so if I take to long to write something new, please give me a nudge.

Actually, I need to thank two people from back in the days for even sitting here in Vathias Square in Athens writing this. Sam, if I had not found you website I would probably only have talked about going back and finding my boy and Claus, just for making me jealous of your wandering life, you are doing what I wished I would have done and both for taking part in making my whom I am today. I am having an Amstel for both of you

The reason for the blog!!

20 years ago I was a lost soul from Norway whom one day decided to get an inter rail ticket and make my way back to Greece where I had spend an enjoyable week the year before.

After sitting on the train from Munich for what seemed years (in fact only about 48 hours) and wondering where the heck I should stay in Athens when I arrive, I was accosted by about 15 "runners" when my train passed the aptly named station Onioi just outside Athens. They all was telling my about their fantastic hostels in Athens and in my haste I decided to place all the pamphlets in my bag and stay at the one which came out first.

I ended up with a place called Diethens Hotel, which at the time was a total dive. I did remember the two guys from the another hostel Joy's and decided the next day to check in there.

After a week I ventured out to Crete to the job I had been promised, which turned out to be hot air. I returned to Athens and to Joy's begging them for a job, at the time they did not have any jobs and got me a job around the corner at Iokastis Guest House. After a few week the folks at Joy's realized where my heart was and welcomed me "home" to the place which was for 18 months my true home and my "real" family: Mana, Manolis, Takis, Wilma and Nicos, and not for getting our merry band of staff from Sweden, England, Australia and other far flung places.

Being the lost soul which I was, I was finally accepted for being me and nothing else, I was not longer the geek with glasses, whom spoke differently and finally felt safe, I felt comfortable around people and did not feel that I had to watch my "back" as I was used to in Norway.

Throughout my 18 months in Greece I was finally home!!! These 18 months were what really defined me and the person I am today. I do not regret any of the things I did back then!

Now 20 years later I am back in Greece for a totally different reason, before I left Greece I gave birth to a boy (who is now 18) but due to my circumstances back in Norway I felt deserved parents like my Greek Mana, so I gave him up for adoption in Greece. I have now found details of my boy, and this is the reason I decided to start this blog.

I have decided that I will allow him to decide if he wants to find me, rather than me turning up in his life saying I am his mum. Comparing my real mum and Mana, I know that I would preferred that Mana was my real mum rather than my so called Norwegian mother, so why should I inflict that choice on a 18 year old boy who might not even know he was adopted. But this blog is dedicated to him, and should we never meet I hope he realizes the what I did was out of love for him and no other reason.