The thing that started it was a fellow blogger posting that they wanted to interrogate their birth mother and ask some CSI style questions... which I fully understand why and the reason behind her wish to interrogate her birth mother.. even be angry with her.
She asked a few questions which I felt I could understand why she was asking and I answered them.. this is the questions and my responses
"How could you do this to me?"
I did it because I loved you so much and wanted to give you a life I was not able to give at the time.
"Was I not good enough?"
Yes you was, it was me who was not good enough for you.
"How selfish could you be?"
I felt it would be more selfish to keep you and raising you with only love to give. I could not provide you with a secure and stable life at the time.
"You should have never had me if you could not care for me!" I wish I could have cared for you and raised you. I hoped I was giving you a better chance in life with being raised with your parents. I'm sorry if I got that wrong..
What hurt my feelings was one other poster saying the following:
Sadly the answers of one mother may not be the answers of all mothers.This one size fits all adoptees has given us no end of trouble when we meet our mothers and find those answers untrue.Please resist the urge, it is not helpful to most.
In my answer to my fellow blogger, I put out my own personal feelings and answers.. I never said this was what others should say or feel.
You see, I understand that my feelings in regards to adoptions is my personal feelings... no one else, I don't intend to pigeon-hole anyone but at the same time I know that what I feel might be similar to what someone else is feeling - but still not the same.
Many years ago, I remember having a discussion of race.. and I had once heard that the definition of race was that you had to be genetically identical of someone else...so I used say that is great this planet has about 5 billion different races... as no one is identical (expect some twins)... that still applies, ok it might not be 5 billion races on this planet but there are about 5 billion different life stories, none which are identical... So, when I say something out here in cyber-land, it is my personal opinion. Sorry one shoe does not fit them all, but I do personally respect every single shoe on this planet... if that offends you, that is fine. You see I respect your opinion, but I might not agree with it. The same goes for others... I do not expect you to agree with my feelings and opinions, but please give me to curtsy of respecting it.
As for my comment on my fellow blogger's post on Interrogate This! the only person who I would be worried about upsetting with my comments was the original poster.
I know that the no harm was meant with the comment saying I should resit the urge, it still hurt, but I respect that some one don't agree with me... that is their right, for me it was my right to answer those questions in public (which I did)
As the poster of the comment my point was that none of us can answer what we do not know for certain.It does adoptees no good to be told something that can't be proven and is supposition only.While you might feel it could be comforting; adoptees need the truth, their own truth,not generalisations.I didn't say you said it was what others should say or feel my point was that is is never helpful to adoptees to hear what is not specifically true for them.None of us know what that is, it is a matter for adoptee and mother and/or father.We so often see mothers do this to adoptees they do not know. We are told our mothers loved and wanted us when some of us know from reunion that it is simply not true, far from the truth often.Perpetuating these ideas is not helpful to adoptees or to the understanding between mothers and adopteees.You meant well I'm sure but it is time for mothers to start thinking what adult adoptees need not what mothers think they need.It is about respect. I personally would never have interogated my own mother, I don't see it as respectful.Von
ReplyDeleteI am the commentor who posted this comment "Sadly the answers of one mother may not be the answers of all mothers.This one size fits all adoptees has given us no end of trouble when we meet our mothers and find those answers untrue.Please resist the urge, it is not helpful to most" Perhaps I did not explain well.If you personally know the original adoptee who said she would like to interogate her mother, know her situation and know her feelings about adoption your answers may be welcome.If you do not, you have given answers which you may think are helpful but for some adoptees once they actually meet their mothers may turn out not to be true.Do you think it is fair or kind to set them up for more disappointment? Many mothers tell adoptees they don't know personally that their mothers loved and wanted them.Many adoptees who have experienced reunion have found that not to be true, far from true, they were not wanted as babies and they are not wanted now.It is tragic and that is why I say, as an adult adoptee, that a one size view of adoption and what adoptees can expect from their mothers does not work for us. Each of our stories is unique, there can be no answers that fit us all. There are very few mothers who are actually not fit to raise their children, many with support would have been able to, another tragedy of adoption.Many adoptees are never angry with their mothers, there is nothing to be angry about and we have compassion for their situation.Love is more important than anything else, as is biological connection.Unless you have concrete proof it is best never to make assumptions about what adoptees want or need to hear.Adoption is complex, different for each of us and answers can't be second guessed.I hope that makes the intention of my comment clearer.Von
ReplyDeleteVon, I respect your opinion and I actually understand and appreciate all your comments.
ReplyDeleteMy post was meant to clarify that my answers was my personal answers and no one else's and to stress that each adoption story is unique. If I failed in that I apologise.
AR we are all entitled to our personal opinions, this was not about personal opinion.It was about the assumptions mothers often make about adoptees they do not know.Those assumptions are not helpful after reunion when adoptees discover they were fed something that was no true or anywhere near true in some instances.You don't need to apologise to me, after 67 years of being an adoptee I'm a big girl now but you do need to understand that assumptions are not helpful.I so wish all mothers could understand this.It is one of the big blocks to succesful reunion.Von
ReplyDeleteMy comments were not made based on assumptions of what I thought an adoptee might wanted to hear. They were simply my personal answers to a couple of questions I had envisaged my son asking me, if I am one day lucky enough to meet him.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think it is more harmful to adoptees to read some of the negative adoption related blogs and comments online. Then again, I don't assume that one person's feelings or comments applies to everyone else.
I agree that making assumptions can be a big block to a successful reunion. For me the biggest block would be to assume that if I am lucky enough to have a relationship with my son, it would be a mother/son relationship. I only hope that one day he would allow me to be his friend.
So, I think you and I will just have to agree to disagree on this one. I was not making assumptions but you are entitled to assume I was.
I see we are at cross purposes here.It is about adoptee rights to the truth, not about you, me but about what is helpful.We can never be friends with those who are our parents, it is a different role altogether.I'll leave you with that thought and will unfollow your blog now. Good wishes, I hope you find your son one day and are well prepared for both your sakes.
ReplyDelete