For the past couple of year my yearning for making contact with my son have mellowed from being something I wanted to do for myself to being something I want to do for him and others.
When my son turned 18, I thought that me making contact with him would be the best for... guess who... me... at the time, I had not considered his feelings at all.
Now three years later and having learnt so much about adoption... it is no longer about me... it is about what is best for him... he will need to be told..and sooner later than later would be better for him, from his psychological well being I hope... I do not want him to find out by mistake one day that his life have been a lie.
For the past three years I have learnt so much about adoption... and boy have I learnt a lot... firstly, and mainly, he might not want to know me.. that is fine... as long as he knows he is adopted... OK, that might sound a bit unfair... but I do have to consider that one day he might need my kidney or something... and he needs to know about me for that.
Secondly, I have learnt that even if I'm lucky enough to one day meet him... we might not like each other... and I have to remember that I'm not his mum, I'm his mother... it is two totally different things... I have mentioned this on here before... we will be two total strangers who might be lucky enough to become friends.
The final thing I have learnt is that is I'm not alone... there are others out there like me...and here is where are I doing the right thing comes in to it. I'm in the position of being able to contact my son directly... it most likely would not work the way I want love it to happen... but I recently found out that if I have the patience of waiting to let bureaucracy run it course, I might be able to help other birth mothers contact their children... so what is my happiness and my wishes weighted up against what is best for my son or other mothers.
So is it right? Should I let bureaucracy run it's course?
