Dazed and Confused - my blog is full of mixed messages, sorry

I just have just had a little read to some of my old post and have realised that should my son read it all, it must be so confusing for him...I send so many mixed messages.

So I would like to set the record straight....on here I often post what I feel in the moment...that means that I might be feeling a particular way that day...I am the one who is Dazed and Confused and I do not mean to send mixed messages to him.

So I just want to make it clear...it is two different wants in all adoptions...in my case, it is what I want for my son and what I want....and believe it when I say that my wants matters less than what I want for my son.

What I want for him is what really matters...so I want him to have the right to know he was adopted, the right to access to his biological medical history, the right to know his ancestry, the right to know that he was always wanted,  I also want him to have to right to chose if he wants to know me or wants to hate me for my decision to place him for adoption.

What I want...is first and foremost to know that he is happy, health and know he was adopted.

Then is all the other stuff, of course I want to have a relationship with him, I want him in my life.  So looking back on on my posts...sometimes is more about what I want for me not for him.  So sorry son, just in case ever read this...just let me know that you happy and that you know...the rest will be up to you...I will always be here for you.

Birthday's are shite

OK, I'm  not posting for ages then two in a few days....this is what happens when you go home for your birthday.

I was suddenly remembering my 21st birthday...I was pregnant with you but I have realised that I was selfish, OK not 100% true...I had just come to a conclusion with the facts as I knew them.

I thought I was doing the right thing with placing you....on my 21st I thought I had my life planned out...I thought I was on the right path, I had decided based upon what I knew at the time that placing my son for adoption was the right thing to do.

Hell, I thought I was giving someone the "gift of life" what I didn't realise what impact I had on us both...my son might be happy with his adoptive parents, I thought hey were the best thing since a slice of bread.  They still might be..I'm not judging them, because I think they were also acting in my son's best interest

Back then I thought I was acting in my son's best interest....but I have realised that what I did was based upon what was told me was right...so on my 21st I celebration a celebration of selfishness..not what was right.

Had I know what I know now then...I would not have celebrated...I would have mourned for the life I could have had...not celebrated the like I thought I would like...which is what I did.

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing... it has a wonderful way of showing you life like you wanted it...not the reality of the pain and suffering you would feel for the rest of your life.

So, what can I do about it...I cannot stop anyone making my choices...I can only make sure that the next me understand that the choices we make comes with pain and suffering...and when you made a decision is it no going back...you have to live with your choice...I can teach others that their choices comes with consequences and unless you are fully informed, actually still when you are, the unicorns will never come...it wasn't a gift of live, it was only you making a decision upon the facts you knew.

So happy birthday to me, I know I screwed up...so now 25 years later should I celebrate my "brave" decision or see it like it truly was....me being stupid and selfish?

Sorry to tell you this but you are still drinking the Kool-Aid...

I haven't really posted for a while...actually a long while...that is because I'm at peace where I emotionally are at when it comes to adoption.

I no longer focus on whether or not my son will allow me into his life....I know he is happy and content, and if he eventually wants me in his life I would welcome that...actually I would LOVE that....but I have learnt to live with the fact that he might not want to know me.

My energy is now more focused on two thing...where I can advocating for children's rights and two enjoying the art...I'm lucky I might one day be able to combine them both.

On FB in on a group about the adoption trauma and as per usual it was a bit of a heated debate about adoption.#

Reading through the posts, I did realise something...Kool Aid comes in a load for flavours...and they are all as bad as each other....preferring one flavour doesn't make you a know it all.

My response to this statement made my blood boil "Adoption is never necessary no matter the circumstance"  

My response was as it follows:

I have spent most of my day thinking if there were any other option to using adoption as a last resort...maybe it because of the definition of the last resort is different between Europe and the USA (ratify the UNCRC please) we disagree. I will give you a couple of "my" extreme examples (they are loosely based upon real cases) and where I think adoption would be in the best interest for the child. If you can give me other solutions I will be more than happy to champion your solutions to the relevant authorities.

Case 1) (UK) 3 year old girl having been sexually and mentally abused in the household with a history of abuse going back generations...despite social services and and local child welfare organisations trying to get the family counselling and keeping the child within the family unit. It is not possible and long term she is at a high risk of being sexuality exploited by most family members and other older local men, despite intense counselling for the whole family The girl is currently in foster care however, unless there are major changes within the family unit, she will always be at risk. So all family routes has been exhausted, do you want to leave the child in foster care for the next 15 years? Or allow an European style adoption where there are some (although limited) contact with the biological family?

Case 2) (Greece) 8 year old boy, with a drug depended mother...the mother had over the years had another 12 children, who has always been abandoned either to distant family member or to strangers. Since the child was born they have been on the street (in may I say foreign country) and been used as a tool for begging....since the child was "discovered" by a local children's welfare charity the mother has been put through and offered drugs counselling and detox programs, she did two...including offers of settling her into her own property and having her child back when she was clean. The child have been discovered to have sever mental disabilities due to the mother's drug use and will need medical care for the rest of his life. In Greece, unless funding for a foster family is found he will be in an institution for the rest of his life...he would have a higher chance of being adopted (and his adoptive parents taking on the burden of his medical bills)...but I would welcome your solution to this situation.

Case 3) (Greece) This one is a hot topic now...lets say you have two Syrian twins aged about 5 years old...they survived the journey from Turkey to Levos in Greece however their parents and siblings died on the journey....a local NGO working with the UN discovers them in a camp and realise that they are alone...after some searching it is found that no biological family is alive...again what would be your solution, would you leave them in the camps to be abused or get them long term foster parents or place them for adoption

For me it is very simple, I made a mistake 25 years ago when I signed the papers relinquish my son....rather feeling sorry for myself...I rather spend my energy on advocating children's rights and to make sure that a young pregnant girl will know ALL the facts about her options, whether or not I agree with her...her choice will be her choice I can only teach her what I know. The examples I gave you are circumstance I know has happened...and no these children has yet to be adopted...so my challenge to you all...find a better solution than adoption in these three cases, I dare you.

On a final note...I used to love the phrase drinking the cool aid...but I have realised that some of you actually have only changed the flavour..some of you have gone for saying adoption was great to it is now the most evil thing on the planet...if that is not changing the flavour I do not know.

PS block me report me or whatever...this gal is no longer drinking Kool Aid whichever flavour

So it would be interesting to see who responds...I guess the person getting me started have drunk too much of the Cool Aid will not respond...if she does not it will be as gratifying as getting Jehovah's witnesses agree that they cannot be a pacifist.

Mother's days - you are kidding me

So today is sort of the international Mother's Day, but heck what does it celebrate?

Actually yesterday, in the USA they had this silly thing called birth mother;s day...Gentle Care etc you are bull....t

For me, yesterday and today is the fourth time this year I have been reminded that I failed.  You see, as a Norwegian my official Mother's day was 14th February, then because I live in the UK my Mother's day was the 8th March and as my son lives in Greece it is today...and not forgetting that horrible thing that the Americans have come up with which is Birthmothers's day,

Do you have to remind me how much I failed as to mother to my son? I do not want one day to be reminded that I failed my son, what I would love is one day that my son acknowledge that I'm his mother.

Then again, the person, this day wants me to celebrate being my mother, is a person who failed me totally, still I would like to thank her for being my mum and to my two other mums...I love you all....

25 year and counting

Today it is 25 years....a quarter of a century since you were born....I have known who you are for 7 years...but I have taken the back seat...it is not that I do not want to have contact...I want that more than anything.

The problem for me, is that silly Greek law which prohibits me from contacting you...OK, I can technically get away with contacting you...as we are residences of two different countries...but I'm affiliated with Roots Research Centre and as they are doing such good work for all Greek adoptees...why should my selfishness ruin all their good work, so I'm sticking to the rules and following Greek law.

The odd thing, is someone asked me the other day if I regretted ever placing you for adoption...my answer was an outstanding YES and at the same time NO.  You see I regret every minute of the time we might have had together, I regret not having you in my life and I do regret not being able to say to you everyday: "I love you, you are my be all and end all".  At the same time, I do not regret placing you because, I think you have had a great life, you have had opportunities I would never been able to give you and I do not regret any moment of the life you have had...or what I have had...if I said I could go back and change everything....I would have wished away your life as it is and mine and so many others....and that would not be fair on anyone.

Still, if you ever read this...I wish I could give you the world today, but I cannot...I can only ever promise to be here with my love and to say I'm sorry I never gave you a choice.

I will always love you αγάπη ο γιος μου