A place of rememberance

Last year, whilst spending my time with the family, I wrote about culture clash and grief and the fact that I was being taken to this beach where my new friend and I could remember our husbands.

Sadly, I have not had the chance to go back there before now but was lucky enough to be able to take Baba and Little Brother with me.   Baba loved the place, it a perfect place for us to remember Radouane when we are not able to go to Algeria, especially as Radouane loved the beach.

Initially, the family could not understand my need for having a symbolic place to remember him, especially as I am unable to visit his grave. I think that Little Brother managed to explain why it was important to me

So it is very fitting that I found a beach to be our place of remembrance for him.  At the same time it is an irony...you see Radouane was on his way back from the beach when he died.  As he loved the beach and as Baba said, he would have loved it here, I think I found the perfect spot for our two cultures to come together and remember him.  Hopefully, sometime during the spring the whole family will be able to go together...at least all of the UK family.

Dear Fellow Birthmother

Dear Fellow Birthmother

I hope that you one day get to read this... I consider your daughter a friend and even if I have only got her side of the story of your reunion, I so wish I could speak to you... since that is not likely to happen, I thought I write your this letter on here.

You see, I’m doing the same as you did... I’m leaving the breadcrumbs for my son to find so when he is ready, he can find me.  I’m going into this knowing that if one day we meet, we might not like each other.  The person I hopefully will get to know is an adult not a newborn baby, which is something I suspect you hoped for... so having an adult sitting in front of you must have been a massive shock. However, that does not mean that I am allowed slam the door in his face...I lost that right when I signed the papers for his adoption.   Nor am I allowed to deny him the chance to get to know any of his biological family if that is his wishes...even if I have no interest in having any contact with them.

What I cannot understand how you and your current partner (her birth father) are behaving towards your daughter.

Why would the two of you leave the bread crumbs for her to follow if you didn’t want contact with her, why arrange to meet her, start a relationship with her and then slamming the door in her face... without so much of a simple “Sorry, we cannot handle this, so it is best that we have no further contact”... OK, so I don’t know what happened with your reunion... if there were anything said that hurt your feeling...no matter how unintentionally it was said?

Most importantly, why is everything damaging your reunion being said and done by your partner?  Your partner seem to have “taken” charge of the reunion and threatening your daughter with legal action, just because she wants answers and the opportunity to meet her biological family is what I cannot understand.

From what your daughter have told me... he is the reason you placed her for adoption in the first place... was getting him back into your life more important to you than making a potential connection to your daughter?

I can understand if you are backing out of the reunion because you suddenly felt a rush of unresolved emotions and that you though you needed some time to process these feeling.  You should read the wonderful post by our fellow birthmother over at Musing of the Lame...she might have described how you feel more than I could ever.  I can only imagine you suddenly found yourself back in the place you where at the time of the adoption...you must have been scared and possible feeling alone in the world...so to find yourself “back” in that place must be scary... I know that I might feel like that, if I get to meet my son.

Yes, I placed my son for adoption because at the time I thought it was the best thing for him, I did it out of love for him...I’m sure you did the same for your daughter.  My son is a part of me, so no one is allowed into my life without accepting that he is a part of me...so I cannot understand how you can allow your partner to speak for you?  Do you not have your own voice?  Don’t you think your daughter deserves to know why she was placed for adoption.

In my eyes, the only one who can close the door in a reunion is the adoptee...as long as I left the breadcrumbs for my child to find...yes, there might be things about my son I don’t like or even agree with...I have opened the door for a reunion and therefore I cannot close it.

Fair enough, this is only my personal opinion...my personal journey has let me to this conclusion... I’m not saying I’m right, I don’t even know what would happen if I get to meet my son.

I just hope that one day; you will be able to resolve your issues and start again with your daughter, because from what I know, she is a wonderful person who has so much love for you and does not blame you for placing her for adoption.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Your fellow birth mother